As a Tribute to the Notorious B.I.G....

This paper was turned in by an Oakland High school student who received the highest honors
at the school district's ebonics translation competition.

Assignment:
Please translate the following song lyrics from ebonics to standard English.
Artist: Notorious B.I.G.
Album: Ready to Die
Song: One more chance (remix)

Lyrics:
First things first, I poppa, freaks all the honeys Dummies - playboy bunnies, those wantin' money Those the ones I like 'cause they don't get nathan' But penetration, unless it smells like sanitation Garbage, I turn like doorknobs Heart throb, never, black and ugly as ever However, I stay coochied down to the socks Rings and watch filled with rocks
TRANSLATION:
As a general rule, I perform deviant sexual acts with women of all kinds, including but not limited to those with limited intellect, nude magazine models, and whores. I particularly enjoy sexual encounters with the latter group as they are generally disappointed in the fact that they only receive penile intercourse and nothing more, unless of course, they douche on a consistent basis. Although I am extremely unattractive, I am able to engage in these types of sexual acts with some regularity. Perhaps my sexuality is somehow related to my fancy and expensive jewelry.

Lyrics:
And my jam knock in the Mitsubishi Girls pee pee when they see me, Nava-hoes creep me in they tee pee As I lay down laws like I lay carpet Stop it - if you think your gonna make a profit
TRNSL:
I enjoy playing my music loudly on my car stereo. Apparently, women enjoy this also because they become sexually aroused when they see me driving. Oddly enough, when I visit the Native merican reservations, some of the more sexually promiscuous Indian women attempt to seduce me in their homes. Their intent is to divest me of my earnings. Such actions are unacceptable.

Lyrics:
Don't see my ones, don't see my guns - get it Now tell ya friends Poppa hit it then split it In two as I flow with the Junior Mafia I don't know what the hell's stoppin' ya I'm clockin' ya - Versace shades atchin' ya Once ya grin, I'm in game, begin
TRNSL:
Understand this fact: you can have neither my money, nor my weapons. I suggest that you inform your peers that we engaged in violent sexual acts. Currently, I am rapping with my associates, the Junior Mafia. I'm having some difficulty understanding why you refuse to approach me. I am attempting to make eye contact with you through my expensive glasses, and as soon as you respond with a smile, I will approach you.

Lyrics:
First I talk about how I dress and this And diamond necklaces - stretch Lexuses The sex is just immaculate from the back I get Deeper and deeper - help ya reach the Climax that your man can't make Call and tell him you'll be home real late Let's sing the break
TRNSL:
I prefer to open the conversation with light banter about my wardrobe and jewelry, then I like to discuss my collection of expensive cars. This is more than enough to convince you to have sexual intercourse with me. I am able to insert my penis further into you when I enter you from behind. Furthermore, you will be able to reach orgasm. I understand this to be a problem with your current sexual partner. He needn't be concerned about your whereabouts. Please phone him and inform him that you won't be home for a while. By the way, please sing the chorus of the song for me also.

Lyrics:
She's sick of that song on how it's so long Thought he worked his until I handled my biz There I is - major pain like Damon Wayans Low down dirty even like his brother Keenan Schemin' - don't bring your girl 'round me True player for real, ask Puff Daddy
TRNSL:
Your current love interest no longer wishes to hear your fabrications about the length of your member. After I had sexual intercourse with your woman, she became enlightened as to the proper way it is supposed to be performed; violently and immorally. It would be in your best interest to keep your woman away from me as my sexual prowess is very strong. If you are unconvinced, ask Puff Daddy.

Lyrics:
You - ringin' bells with bags from Chanel Baby Benz, traded in your Hyundai Excel Fully equipped, CD changer with the cell She beeped me, meet me at twelve
TRNSL:
Despite the fact that you attempted to win her at her doorstep with bags full of expensive clothes and a car (the lower end model Mercedes Benz which you financed by signing over your current vehicle) containing an expensive stereo and a cellular phone, your woman has contacted me through my pager indicating that we should rendezvous at midnight.

Lyrics:
Where you at? Flippin' jobs, playin' car notes? While I'm swimmin' in ya women like the breast stroke Right stroke, left stroke what's the best stroke Death stroke - tongue all down her throat Nuthin' left to do but send her home to you I'm through - can ya sing the song for me, boo?
TRNSL:
You, on the other hand, jump from job to job, barely able to maintain payments on the Mercedes Benz you purchased for your woman. Meanwhile, I continue to engage in sexual intercourse and commit lewd osculatory acts with your women. My only remaining option is to request that they leave my home and return to you because I have reached orgasm and no longer have a need for their presence.

Lyrics:
So, what's it gonna be? Him or me? We can cruise the world with pearls Gator boots for girls The envy of all women, crushed linen Cartier wrist-wear with diamonds in 'em The finest women I love with a passion Ya man's a wimp, I give that ass a good thrashin'
TRNSL:
The ultimate decision rests with you. Whom do you choose as your sexual partner. I can take you on cruises around the world. I will dress you in the finest jewelry and footwear. You will be envied by women worldwide in your fine clothes and jewelry. There is a special place in my heart for beautiful women. I will defeat your man in an altercation because he is effeminate.

Lyrics:
High fashion - flyin' into all states Sexin' me while your man masturbates Isn't this great? Your flight leaves at eight Her flight lands at nine, my game just rewinds Lyrically I'm supposed to represent I'm not only the client, I'm the player president
TRNSL:
You will be dressed in finest clothes on the runways of Paris. I will fly you to every state to shop for fine clothes and jewelry. You will enjoy sexual intercourse with me and your man will be forced to pleasure himself through manual stimulation. What a life! I'll return you to LaGuardia in time to catch your 8 o'clock flight. The timing is perfect because I have scheduled a date with a second woman who arrives at the same gate at 9 o'clock. I'll seduce her in the same way that I seduced you. I rap well and I am a positive reflection of my hometown. Not only am I a sexually deviant, misogynistic, immoral, wealthy, male prostitute, but I also sit on the board of directors of the organization that governs others of my kind.

Fuck! Shit! Cunt! Motherfucker!!!!...

Listening to Groupie Part 2 by Little Brother. ... A lot of you have been saying I need to write again, so here I go. ... I don't wear skinny jeans and you shouldn't either. Yes, even you. And you, too. ... My iPhone has a rattle. This can't be good for my social or professional life. Is anyone else like me, when they forget their phone they feel weird? Like I keep touching my pockets looking for it, even though I know I left it somewhere else. It's like I'm hoping it will magically appear in my pants if I keep reaching for it. ... I have a bit of a correction to make from a previous blog. I said something like if you're over 25 and are single and have at least two serious relationships in your past, then you might be the problem. I still subscribe to this, but with an alteration: some people are single by choice even with this circumstances. They might just be having fun. ... I'll put this out there, though. I am looking for a girl. ... If I could have dinner with anyone, it would be Grape Ape, Triple June aka Woodgrain, Rickey Henderson, Stephon Marbury and Manny Ramirez. No question about it. My stomach would hurt so bad from laughing. I don't want to even imagine it because I'm getting mad that it probably won't ever happen. I don't think any of those guys is punctual enough to make it to the resstaurant atthe proper time. ... Alex has a move where he is basically hitting on girls as he is unconcious. I've seen this and it looks amazing. And what's even better, it worked! He had sex off that move! ... I got to pack because I'm moving. ... I'm wearing one sandle. I don't know where the other one is right now. It's gotta be somewhere around this motherfucker. ... No, I don't cuss to much. I like how I talk. So, fuck it. ... This whole health care thing is bogus, and that's not hating. All I'm saying is this, there a very good chance that our world economy never bounces back to where it was before this recession/modern day depression. With that said, you could have put a monkey in the white house or an economic/world relations genius and we'd be in the same boat. Obama is in a no-win situation because nothing he does is going to immediately improve what this country is going through. It's funny to me how people are turning on the guy. This isn't his fault. This shit was in the making LOOOOOONG before he even seriously considered running for president. He inherited this. It's like you marrying a girl with an autistic kid, and then her family gets mad at you for not being able to make him into a good football player. ... I don't like it when it's muggy outside. ... Left-handed people are cool. ... Susie Q made me smile. ... They are having this stupid ass air show over the lake. I live on the lake. They start flying these bitches about 8 a.m. I'm not happy. ... I don't care what your opinions on swallowing semen are. I'm telling you that I want a girl who is willing. ... Lil C had two 21st birthday parties, yo. He threw up at both. ... It rains a lot in Pittsburgh. ... I took off the one sandal. ... I don't own any plants. I don't know if that's bad or not. ... And no, I'm not talking about marijuana. ... Tim Tebow can probably get more pussy than anyone and this kid is a virgin!? Really??? What's the fucking point then? ... I like the music and some of hte dancing and the ladies, but I hate the club that inhabits all these things. ... I've never had sex in a movie theater. ... I don't have shampoo that properly takes out cum. Stop asking. ... "Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood." I can't take credit for that one but I had to post it. ... Men have nerve ending on the lower half of their cocks, as well. So stop just putting your mouth over the top of it, please. ... Did Kanye West die yet? ... I know waaaaaay too many bartenders for my well being. ... I want to take a shower so bad. ... My buddy has a comedy show tonight. Need a date. No one here I really wanna take, though. ... They're STILL making Fast N Furious movies? Goddman. ... Stop asking me if I believe in God and what not. Because you probably don't have the time nor really want to know my answer to that question. ... I guess I should start dressing myself. ... For tonight, I mean. Not like in general. ... It never really occured to me that "I thought it was me" by BBD is about having sex with underage girls. I think like it more now. ... FUCK!! ... My iPod won't work anymore. I'm not a detective but from the looks of it, it got smashed in my bag and now it's refusing to turn the fuck on. FUCK! ... I'm done. ... Listening to Misunderstood by Common. ... Be cool and get your nose a little dirty/white.

You're a dummy...

At Wrigley Field listening to people clean. ... I can't wait to be in LA. ... There's too many supercops around me. There's too many cops, period. ... It's supposed to rain today. That would suck. ... I do miss 4th of July with my family. It's been a while since I did that. Years. ... I guess my life could be worse, but it's pretty frustrating right now. ... I cut myself shaving too much. Trying to go too fast. ... This computer might have a fucking virus. ... I ate McDonald's breakfast today. Most of the time when I have to be up so goddamn early, I do that. Otherwise, I don't ever eat breakfast unless it's past midnight. ... Lisa thinks she's smarter than she is. ... I was too smart for my own good with Anna. ... I need a nap. ... I drove two hours after work yesterday back to where I live so I could see The Roots, and I was already tired. So, the girl I was supposed to go with, she's white, shows up like an hour late. The show starts at 10, she gets to my spot at like 10:15. We walk to the place and I let her lead because she's from there, but she fucking gets us lost and there's a mass of people we're trying to fight through just to get to the venue. By the time we get through the gates, I'm pissed off and the show's been going on. Of course, there's no place to stand so we end up waaaay in the back standing on some fucking picinic table with some stupid ass drunk, skinny ass cracker motherfuckers who keep bumping me and all I can think about is how mad I am at this girl for making drive back for this bullshit. That and wanting to knock out a white kid. So I only got to see The Roots for like 45 minutes. ... I saw Talib Kweli the other night, too. But I only saw about an hour of his shit because of work. ... I think I'm still mad about that Roots shit. ... So my boy took me to the strip club to make me feel better and that girl walked her ass home alone because she couldn't find her other friends. I laughed a little. ... I wish I could go to Rock the Bells. ... Over the last two months, I've met way too many girls who think they are intelligent. They've overshot their marks. ... Dance teachers don't make shit, so don't tell me "don't talk like you know," because I know. I was with a dance teacher for close to four years. ... This is what I mean when I say people need to think before they speak. If you don't know something for sure, ask, get an answer AND THEN form your opinion. Don't just make a blanket statement based on your faggot ass assumptions. Because most of the time you're wrong, especially about me. I don't let you in because you're dumb. So that's why you can't read me. Because I don't want you to. ... I want some money. And tacos. ... Flight's to Pittsburgh are expensive. ... Two Compton girls running the All England Club. ... The NBA is shaping up to be interesting next season. ... I like Ron Artest. So Gutter. ... Manny's back. ... No good Salsa clubs around my way. A good one in Chicago, though. ... I want the beach. A little more than a week before I can get drunk and fly kites on the sand. ... No one in my life makes me say, "Yeah, I can see it happening with her." And by "it," I mean sex. ... I don't play fantasy sports. I live in reality, usually. ... I need more Marriott points. ... I have The Art of Storytelling in my head today. ... I love - LOVE - when girls rub my head. ... Yo, I want to go to bed. ... Bye.