Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Everyone has a nickname...

Listening to Jet Screamer rock out on his guitar. He's a Jetsons character if you didn't know. Most people don't. ... Boom is a dope network. ... My fault for not posting in a while if anyone is even still out there paying attention to Kid Dynamite. ... I was MIA for about five weeks on the West Coast. I'll attempt to run down what happened out there, at least what I remember. Keep in mind, bottles upon crashing bottles of tequila were involved on a nearly nightly basis. ... Bad New Bears steelos. ... Went to Phoenix. Played well, then played poorly. Valerie still noticed. That got her a ride to Dodger Stadium once we were back in LA, since she's from there. ... Night one in the Southland, got tanked. This phrase was born ... GET THAT TANK! FUCK YOU THANK!?!?!?! ... I'm pretty sure I heard that chant upwards of 7,500 times in five weeks. Mostly by Patron aka Patreezy aka The Irishman aka Cracker Ass Pat. ... Night two, Patron chilled with me at Saloon. I threw up on a cab and rode with my head out the window for like four miles. It was a great way to get going and only a small hint at was awaited me, Patron, Grape Ape, Rash Guard and anyone else who decided it was a clever idea to hang out with us from the middle of October to the middle of November. ... Me and GA went to the Dodgers playoff game with my pops and uncle. Had a blast. I got cited for drinking tequila in the parking lot before the game. We lost our voices by the fourth inning. We called Shane Victorino a puto until my throat hurt. ... The next day, we went back to Dodger stadium about eight deep for the second game. The Dodgers won. We got tanked. Valerie fit in, kinda. RG took some awesome pictures that I can't post because then this wouldn't be the underground hideout. Duh. That night continued on at Sully's with Esteban in tow. RG threw up a shot of Patron on Patron. Yes, you read the correctly. She threw up the Patron tequila on Patron the human. He wasn't happy and after taking 899 more shots, he walked out of the bar and to a liqour store never to be heard from again ... until we heard from him again later as he staggered through the parking lot. ... WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH VICTORINO?!?!?!!?!? ... HE'S A PUTOOOOOO!!!!! ... We lost our voice again and Victorino flipped us off. He's a nice guy. ... Fuck him. ... I don't remember what happened after we found Patreezy. I think we went to Saloon but I can't be sure about that. ... So that's like three days I've been there and two people have thrown up. ... Esteban stayed for his birthday and we went out to the pier on Sunday with Patron and GA. I can't even remember what happened once we went out except that we absolutely murdered our livers. And Esteban takes two straws and puts them in his tall Red Bull and Grey Goose, then says "INTRODUCING THE GHOSTFACE KILLAHHHHHHH!!!" Then he drank the entire drink through the straws in about 4 seconds. This proceeded to happen about 6 more times. ... Then we get out of the bar about 1:55 a.m. Esteban is blasted. He walks into a liqour store and buys a six pack of Corona and cloves for some reason. He lights one and pops a bottle and starts drinking ... on the pier ... with cops crawling. ... He then walks up to a cop car, and screams FUCK THE POLICE! ... Pat grabs him and drags him away. ... We get to the parking lot and he cracks three more Coronas and tries giving them to all of us. We can't do it and put them on the sidewalk, full. We get in the car and bounce. Get to the house, Esteban goes to Patron's disgusting bathroom and throws up and then passes out face first on a floor where I've definitely seen insects. Then his girl starts calling and me and Patron start on this long story about how we lost her man and the last time we saw him he was heading toward the beach with a big, big Asian girl that could have playedl linebacker for the New York Football Giants, as Pat put it. She cried. Then told us how big her boobs are. We then held up the phone to Esteban's ear and he can't really talk. He just makes sounds and eventually gets out the words, "Shut up, you're not making any sense," to his girl. She cries again. Then he tells her he is the Ghostface Killah, in honor of the Wu-Tang Clan. ... From that point on, everyone changed Esteban's name in their phones to GFK. ... That's three people who have thrown up and I hadn't been there a week. Patron said that was the most fun he's ever had being sober (he got there late cuz he had to work so he just had a little brew). ... Man, this is a blur. ... I'll start condensing this. ... Chronoligical order be damned. ... GFK left and never came back. He was scared. ... RG cried a lot. ... GA had to work too much, but he got that tank a lot. And he earned a new nickname ... Space Ghost Coast to Coast, because he fails to focus his eyes when he is smashed. So he could be talking to you, but he looks right through your body like you're not even standing in front of him. It's most funny when he does this to a girl he is trying to game up. ... RG made out with a jockey at Saloon. ... Patron and Esteban made an attempt to double team a 50 year old on the dance floor wearing a skin-tight leopard dress. It didn't work. ... We smoked drugs and ate a pumpkin pie that was drugs. GA is hilarious when high. ... Me and Patron watched about 45 episodes of Law and Order. ... I ate a lot of microwave burritos and French bread pizzas at 3 in the morning. ... Me and Patron saw a girl's birth canal because she thought it was a good idea to spread open her pussy for a camera. Patron made her friend miss her methadone appointment. She was a recovering heroin addict. I'll leave that story there because it's too outrageous for anyone not there to believe. ... I drank a bottle of vodka with Matty and then I stole his toy great white shark and put it in front of GA's TV and we named him Terrance. He is officially a roommate. ... Patron stole a smoke stack chimney from the upstairs neighbor because he was convinced he called the cops on us at 3 a.m. after we got back from the bar. ... GA later broke that chimney by throwing it while he was tanked because we told him it was this guy he hates. ... Carly's boyfriend, the chimney guy, must fuck well. ... Either that or she's young and naive. I'm going with that. ... Me and Patron, once again, got into trouble when he was drunk and decided to call over a whore on Craigslist. She was three hours late, Patron slammed the door in her face. Megan cried because she thought she was going to die because she honestly believed the girl's bodyguard would come back with a gun and shoot us. I'm not joking. She's from Canada, though, so you know... ... RG made us chorizo and eggs at 4 a.m. We ate and passed out. ... Patron had his own room and bed but chose to sleep on a 4-foot couch half the time. He's 6-5. ... I drank tequila for breakfast while eating a breakfast sandwich one day. ... We introduced everyone to Vincent Skullworth III. Then everyone proceeded to skull fuck drinks like they were going out of style. That's a good way to blackout. Quickly. ... Hannah Montana came to visit and got schemes pulled on her and all women would be embarassed for her if they knew what happened. She doesn't know. ... Nitwit came over and got blasted her first night to the point that people didn't like her. Then on the second night, my birthday, Patron dropped her on the floor and fell on top of her while they danced. People liked her better at that point. Carly tried to talk to her for what everyone agrees was to get information on her business with me. ... Gizmo then came by so GA could blow her back out, she could pass out massages and Patron could finger her in the car and attempt to cum on her face. It didn't work. He was too tanked. So he kicked her out of his room, but she couldn't go back to GA's room because he was banging out a bartender from another bar. So she slept like a fetus on a chair. And GA doesn't remember if he fucked that girl. The only way he knew something happened is because we were moving his bed to a new apartment and he found a condom behind it. Used, of course. ... This is a lot. Fuck. ... Oh! How could I forget. Mando came out for my birthday and ended up pissing on Gizmo while she was passed out. It was one of the funniest things I have EVER witnessed in my life. No doubt. ... GA then fucked Gizmo before she took a shower. And he knew she got peed on. It didn't matter. He was hard. ... We moved to a place closer to the beach. It's next to an Italian grocery store that has Martinelli's sparkling apple juice. Best drink next to Slurpees, of which I probably drank 40. ... There's a lot more that I left out because it's just way too much. If you missed it, fuck you. ... Oh, and we went to Mideivil Times for my birthday. It was bananas! ... I bend the truth to girls. ... I've seen things that would drop your jaw. ... The last two months of my life I think I've had a handful of girls attempt to have sex with me. You're not Twista. It won't happen overnight. ... When a girl is with a man, she feels like he's taking something and she likes it. With a boy, she feels like he's stealing something and she doesn't like it and never comes back. I heard that and had to write it. ... I wanna ride a bike. ... "Did you sodomize her?" ... "No." ... "Oh. That's too bad." ... Flying kites has a different meaning for me than it does for you. ... Is happiness improved core misery? ... Amber isn't interested. ... Mexicans have to fly to get shit crackers walk to. ... Fuck a Dr. Phil. ... There's always one asshole in the family. ... Don't be afraid to get old, man. It's not a bad thing. Some old people are pretty cool. I hope I'll be one of them if I live long enough to get old. ... I ran on the beach a lot. ... A lot of people are in purgatory. According to their beliefs. Although they never think so. But they are. Religion is so contridictory that people can't help but to twist themselves like a pretzel with nothing to show for it. ... Why does everyone say dead people end up in heaven? Sometimes people sucked ass when they were alive. You don't know everything everyone does with their time. ... People refuse to be realistic. They'd rather stroke themselves and their egos. That's such bullshit. ... And bullshit is bad for you. ... I love spicy Chinese food. ... There are a lot of cliches but "ignorance is bliss" might be the most accurate. If you're stupid and don't know it, that's awesome. Smart people are too burdened. ... Remember spelling tests? ... I know too many Ashelys and Alyssas and Melissas and Valeries. Parents of people in my generation latched onto names and rode those bitches until the wheels fell off. ... Let your kids play. Let them fall down. Let them get dirty and sometimes let them eat dirt. Let them cry. Let them figure shit out on their own. Give them crayons and a pale and a ball. They'll know what to do. Stop acting like they are fine china. They're kids. Let them grow without your hands on them at all times. I don't have kids, but that doesn't matter. ... I don't trust dishwashers. I use my hands. ... People say I'm angry on this blog. Wrong. ... I love people. In short bursts. Then I have to bounce. My tolerance level for stupid bullshit is very low and it's even lower for dumb people who truly believe they are the smartest person in every room they enter. ... I also don't like people who can't tell they are annoying everyone else. ... It's an art to leave those kinds of people gracefully since good mannrs are so important in our society. Whatever, yo. ... I don't answer some people's calls because I know that's a 12-minute conversation minimum about nothing too important at all. I don't like talking on the phone so I don't answer. ... Pubic hair can be underrated. On girls. ... You're always a candidate to be on speaker phone if you call and I actually do answer. Remember that. ... They are trying to turn Shit My Dad Says into a TV show. If there is a worse idea, I haven't heard it yet. ... A lot of people are boring. ... I think that's why I'm quiet. If I talk and it leads to other people talking and they're boring, I'll be mad. If I talk to you, it's usually because i still thing you're interesting in some way. ... I'm not better than everyone. I just think outwardly and am able to express myself. ... Make me pancakes and rub my balls. ... Most people don't ask enough questions. About anything. ... Pride comes before the fall. I know this first hand and I'm not even 30. I hope I learn my lesson soon. Chances are I won't. And then I'll type this again. ... What does taking your hat off have to do with being polite? How does an uncovered head make you polite? I'm keeping mine on. Fuck you. ... I also don't think head gear has much to do with how god views you as a person. If he's all encompassing, why do some religions require hates while others don't? This is another reason I think religion is bogus. ... Why do we swear with our right hand? ... You know what? Men decided on these things at one point or another. Not God. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe not. But if God was so busy putting together humanity and our planet as well as other shit, he was probably too busy to write the bible. ... I've sworn to God when I was lying. ... I'm ready to commit. Just FYI. ... I watch movies and see couples fight. I want that. Not the fight, but caring enough to even be involved in one. Right now, I just walked away or stop talking. ... Sand in my computer but fuck it. Been thinking a lot. I'm trying to enjoy my life right now without thinking about the bullshit that makes you enjoy it less. ... If a girl says she's on the pill, assume she's lying. ... "I was so drunk, I could have talked to a chair and not known it." ... "How do you know you didn't?" ... "I don't." ... Give me head like shampoo. ... Women make me weak. ... I'm scared to be a husband. Not a father. ... It's not good to think sooooo much. You might overthink something that is simple. ... Giraffes look cool. ... Are you tired of reading yet? ... Why don't kids have Legos anymore? ... I'm done. ... Listening to Bob Marley and wishing I was listening to Bob Marley the way most people listen to Bob Marley. .... Be cool and remember that stereotypes are stereotypes for a reason. But don't base your life or beliefs on them.

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