By popular demand...

I wasn't planning on posting these, but again, I got a mild flood of messages asking for them. So instead of emailing everyone, here they are.

Again, these were written a couple years ago, at least. Some things have changed but the messages holds true still. These have been commonly known as "the sex blogs."

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A must read for women, Part 1

I’ve read some of the magazines and watched some of these shows on the Oxygen network and I have a major problem with the sex advice these fucking people are giving. So this blog is dedicated to all the young women who have ever read Redbook or watched that old, gray-haired lady talk about the best way to make a man have an orgasm.

The major flaw in all of those articles and shows is that women are the sources. Someone tell me how in the hell a WOMAN can give other women advice on what MEN like. Does this seem like bullshit to anyone else but me?

Now that we’ve established that these stupid ass women aren’t really qualified to spew male knowledge, here is what’s happening:

First, men are simpletons when it comes to sex. A good kiss, hell sometimes a strong breeze, can get us hard, and it doesn’t take much after that to make us cum, which most women should, hopefully, know. If a woman wants to win a man over, suck his dick, play with his balls and make him a sandwich.

What is a major myth, however, is that a man doesn’t like the other stuff like rubbing and massaging. Maybe that sounds punk, but fuck you, it feels great like a manicure (ladies, don’t be fooled, your man likes manicures if he’s ever experienced one). So here is the breakdown

Part I: Soft Hands
A woman with soft hands can work wonders on a man’s body. This can work when you’re lying around watching a movie or when you’re about to do the loco thing. Take your hand and softly rub the back of your man’s head, especially if his hair is short, and the back of his neck. Hold and rub his hands. Touch his face. Trust me, if he stays quiet, it is working.

Part II: Nails
A woman who can use her nails can get her man to do a whole lot. Lay him on his stomach and lightly run your nails up and down his back. Again, do the same to his head (the one on top). Don’t be mad if he becomes super relaxed or if he just flat out falls asleep in your lap. You will get yours the next day because he won’t forget what you did the night before.

Part III: Kisses
Making out is fun, but sometimes a guy wants to be kissed softly, just like a woman might want. This goes for any place on his body. Start with his neck and ears; give him the chills and he will do everything in his power to make sure you cum when it’s his turn to go to work. Work your way down to his back and chest. When you kiss his chest, do double duty and work the nails on his torso. Keep going south. You don’t have to go down on him, but come close. Use your tongue sparingly so that he notices when you do. DON’T LEAVE HICKIES!!!! I don’t care if he is your boyfriend, unless he tells you, don’t mark him up.

Part IV: Strong hands
The first three parts should set up the fourth. A man will start making YOU sandwiches if you can give him the best massage he’s ever had. Lay him down, start high, work down to his ankles don’t forget his arms. If your man works out and is muscular, you might enjoy it, too. And if you enjoy it, it will make it that much better for him. A man doesn’t want to feel like he is forcing his girl to touch him. Imagine him going down on you and not really wanting to hit the spot with his tongue. It just won’t work.

Part V: Rest
If you do these things correctly, your boyfriend, husband, lover, partner in adultery, will become relaxed and immobilized to the point where he won’t want to stand. If that happens, smile, take pride in your superior work and either continue or let him chill. You’ve done well.

Hopefully this has helped to bust up the ridiculous and mystifying notion that men don’t like sensitivity. We do. If you ask him in public or in front of his boys, maybe he’ll deny it and you’ll know that he is insecure about his sexuality or at least about being snapped on by his people. If you don’t ask and simply do it in private, it will be worth it to you later.

Be aware that this is the first in a series of blogs that are meant to help inform women about the needs of men. This edition was rated G, the next will likely be a little more graphic in dealing with different issues and carry a PG mark. If you get by that and make it to the R version you don’t want to know yet you should be versed enough in the art of pleasing your man that you can cancel your punk ass subscription to all those fucking women’s magazines that fill your head with nonsense and make you feel fat just because you have an ass.

Peace.

A must read for women, Part 2

So, the response to the first installment of this blog was unexpectedly positive by men and women. Not that I didn’t think people would agree, but I didn’t think that many people would read it.

I’m not sure how many more parts there will be, but I do have at least two more issues after this one that I feel need to be addressed. Those will come in due time, but for now, here it is

BLOW JOBS. HEAD. DOME. BRAIN. NECK. TOPPING OFF.

Whatever your group of friends calls it, receiving oral sex from a woman can be one of man’s single greatest experiences, sexual or otherwise, assuming it is done correctly and to his specifications. Let’s start from the beginning. And this gets more graphic than Part 1, for you punk, prude ass bitches that are offended when anyone utters a penis or vagina joke.

Stage I: Initiation
The best blow jobs come unexpectedly and without the guy asking. If a guy has to drop endless hints or basically push the girls head into his lap, the blow job will be unmemorable and serve only the basic purpose of making him catch a nut. And if that is all it is good for, HE WILL NOT WANT TO EVER RETURN THE FAVOR, women! The guy will surely remember if the girl surprises him by undoing his belt while he’s watching a game, playing video games or doing pretty much anything nonsexual. And don’t ask if it is OK to do it and don’t talk while you start unbuckling, just do it. Few things are sexier than a girl who just reaches for the piece and gets the job done.

Stage II: The Act
Obviously, teeth are a no-no. It’s not like when you’re kissing his chest, neck or lips, when a light bite or scraping of the teeth can feel interesting. If you do it on his dick, it is plain painful and annoying. So keep your teeth off and your tongue on. Lick from the top to the bottom of the shaft, but don’t spend too much time on any one spot. Variety is the spice of life and the key to a make-him-twitch blow job. Also, don’t neglect the balls. I can’t even begin to explain how important this is. Don’t just cup them or boringly hold them. Use your mouth and tongue. Don’t be shy. Act like you’ve been drinking even if you haven’t. Use your hand(s) sparingly. We don’t want hand jobs with the tip of your tongue barely grazing the tip of our dick. If your jaw gets tired, take a QUICK break and slowly use your hand. If you go to fast, the dude might unexpectedly finish.

Stage III: Deal With It
If you and your man have been together for a while, or if this is simply a common thing for two people who occasionally hook up, don’t always expect a warning when a guy is about to cum. For us to gather the strength to speak at a time like that takes an unbelievably large amount of energy and effort, so don’t be pissed if it just hits you in the mouth. We don’t mean it like that. Next, DO NOT SPIT IT OUT. Spitting a mouthful back onto his dick or onto the sheets is legitimate cause for ejection from the bedroom. If you absolutely must spit it out, stay on it until were done so it doesn’t spill every place, then go to the restroom. Guys don’t want to see a girl grossed out by it. And if you want to win your man over, SWALLOW. It is my belief that you women have no clue how much a guy likes that. That is one thing we will tell our boys about, and we usually don’t talk about our girls like that; it means that much to us. And if you do it, don’t act like you’re eating a lemon. It only counts if it seems like you enjoy it. And I know it might sound harsh, but don’t kiss us after you swallow, or even if you spit. We don’t skeet in our own mouth for a reason. Simply step to the sink and rinse and then well kiss you.

Step IV: The Aftermath
If the blow job is bad, your man will immediately get up and resume whatever it was he was doing before you domed him. If it is quality, expect him to be immobilized for about five minutes. Don’t immediately ask to be repaid or try to get him hard again. Nothing will fuck up great head faster than a woman who immediately expects to be eaten out or sexed right after, and then gets mad when we aren’t ready. If the deed comes in the bedroom, just keep lying next to him. If it comes at a random time during the day like we talked about in Step I, just let him zip up, go wash your mouth and continue doing what you were doing before he got hard. It is sexy when a woman has the capability to simply make her man cum and then resume her day.

This edition of my rant might seem selfish. Well, that’s because it fucking is. Were talking about brain, and brain is a one-way street. If done correctly and with feeling, a man will watch Desperate Housewives with you and act like he’s not doing just to see those cheating ass hoes. And trust me, a good man will repay the act when the time is right he might even hook you up when you least expect it, like as you step out of the shower or as you walk out the door to go to work. A jerk is 50/50 on the payback, but at least you’ll know he’s a selfish punk.

These first two editions of this string of blogs have been dedicated to debunking myths that women know what men like because their stupid, fucking ignorant friends say they KNOW it’s true. Men keep it real. So take these things to heart, just know that if you’re a hoe who has one night stands, these rules don’t apply to you. They are only for people in some sort of ongoing relationship.

Everyone is welcome to comment on this and give any suggestions or ask any questions. Ill answer them, and if I can’t, Ill research until I can.

Peace.

A must read for women, Part 3

Unquestionably, men can be fucking brain dead when it comes to warming up a woman before sex. I’ve learned this much in 24 years and almost two months: women are not like bicycles that you can just jump on and ride. They are more like cars in the winter that need to be warmed up before they can be driven.

A lot of times magazines like Maxim and FHM have a woman, who is ridiculously hot, pen a column telling men what to do to get a woman going. But that shit is only for one-night stands and whores who are just trying to get a nut and be done with it.

Women need to know how men feel about foreplay so they can better help themselves to get off. Originally, the third installment of this helpful little blog was supposed to be strictly about oral sex, with the ladies being the receivers. However, recent conversations with some girls have made me reconsider and turn Part 3 into a guide for women on what men are unsure of when it comes to sticking the key in the ignition. Do we throw it into drive, or do we let it idle for a while until it runs smoothly?

Part I: Neckedness
Once the decision has been made to get naughty, guys like to be the ones taking the clothes off, and we don’t mind if the girl takes ours off. Few things get a guy going like watching his girl undo his belt and unbuckle his pants. All of this is assuming that the guy isn’t acting like a fucking horny 14-year old who has no respect and beats his piece like it owes him $50. Girls, if a guy is ripping clothes off too quickly, stop him and slow down the mood unless you’re coming home from a night of grinding to the latest song from some Atlanta-born ghetto baby, in which case ripping clothes off is acceptable for a rough fuck.

Once the shirt is off, we want to be the ones who take off the bra (fellas, don’t do this if you have trouble using a can opener. A bra would be way too complicated for you). And let him slide your pants off. And the panties that can be a dope visual for a guy as he slowly slips your wet thong down your thighs.

Ooooh, I just got the chills. *head shake, deep breath, regroup*

Part II: React
Now that the clothes have come off (FYI: A guy who thinks panties are sexy, like me, might let some time pass before those come down), the girl has to react to what her man is doing. On this part, I cant speak for all guys, just the ones interested in making the experience memorable for the woman, but I enjoy taking my time and kissing every part of a woman before doing something grand i.e. going down on her or penetrating. That means kissing and/or licking around her ears, the back of her neck, her inner thighs and the small of her back.

Breasts are key. A man knows at least that much, and if he doesn’t he might be clinically retarded and the woman should seek a doctor for him. But not all women like the same things when it comes to how to treat titties. Some like the nipples to be teased, some hate it. Some like the nipples to be pressed with the tongue, while others like them to be sucked. Guys, if you are unsure of what the woman likes, try different things. Now ladies, you have to make sure to react obviously to what you like. If you don’t, you’ll be the one who suffers.

It is the woman’s job is to react. If you like something, squirm or breathe a little harder. Just give some kind of indicator. That shit works and it turns us on. Don’t be embarrassed like a schoolgirl with a crush. Just fucking tell us what you want! That’s the only way we’ll know. If you don’t tell us and we fuck it up in the future, you have no one to blame but your damn self. Guys like foreplay, but we only like it if we know the girl feels the same. It is your civic duty to respond in positive ways. And if you don’t like something, make it known, subtly or frankly.

Communication is key to great foreplay, dummies.

Part III: Touching
Blog No. 1 went through how a man likes to be touched. For this installment, guys aren’t always sure where to touch a woman with their hands. Do you want your breasts grabbed or played with? Do you want us to grab your ass? I’ll do that whether you like it or not, BTW. Do you want us to be soft, do you want us to grab? Let us know.

When it comes to our fingers – you know what I’m talking about – you’ll have to guide your man. We aren’t always sure what works here. You know what you like better than anyone, and unless you tell the man, he’ll continue to be as clueless as a ghetto-raised minority in an Abercrombie store. And to my overly aggressive cats, don’t try to shove three and four fingers into your lady. If your girl isn’t a prostitute, it’ll just hurt her.

Part IV: The Oral Exam
First, ladies PLEASE, KEEP IT CLEAN! I can’t stress how extremely important this is. If a man is kissing near your bellybutton and he smells something isn’t right, he has every right to knock out your two front teeth for not warning him.

Now, for the guys who refuse to go down on a girl, stop reading my fucking blog and never, ever come back. If you are selfish enough to not do it, be selfish enough to keep you sex life in YOUR OWN HANDS! For the rest of normal society, here is how to keep it good, although you should already know this:

Guys, start by kissing the thighs, alternating between right and left and just graze the clit as you switch sides, but not with your tongue, use your lips. Don’t give her the whole dollar, give her a quarter at a time to start. If your girl responds to the slight touch of your lips, you got her going.

Once you start going down, be prepared to be down there for a while. Work all around the spot and when your mouth starts to get tired, take a break by moving to her tummy or back to her thighs. This can keep her going and give you a rest. Work the lips, clit and if you and your girl have been together for a while, go a little lower. And don’t live in one hole. It’s OK to explore a little, but don’t set up camp. It can be boring and uncomfortable for the girl.

Women, it is up to you, again, to make sure your man knows what you want. I’ve heard it is tough to receive bad head, but it can happen. Don’t let it happen to you and your partner.

Part V: The Transition
From my experience, foreplay is like Fruit by the Foot: it can never be too long. Guys, take your time and be ready to put in overtime. Create the proper, romantic environment when the situation calls for it. Other times it’s cool to be more aggressive, but set up some decent music or a candle or something.

But most of all, don’t rush the shit. If you start hitting it and she’s not ready, she won’t be satisfied and her girls will hear about it. And no guy wants to be the topic of a which-man-can’t-fuck conversation.

Women, if things are going well and the man is making you twist and turn, it is your call to tell him when it is time for entry. If a guy is going down on you, again, assuming he’s not a selfish bastard, and you’re enjoying it, he won’t stop. So it is up to you to grab him by his ears, bring him to you and tell him “I want you, NOW!” That is sexy. We want to know that you want us.

Hopefully I’ve touched on the major points of foreplay when it comes to making the women happy. If I’ve missed something, post a comment so all of us can be informed. Don’t act like a stingy kid with a Popsicle and keep it to yourself.

This blog is interactive. It is meant to be a discussion, not a rulebook. If something I said isn’t striking your libido, tell everyone who reads this what does it for your.

Guys do enjoy foreplay, despite previous reports women might’ve read in those damn magazines I’ve despised in my other blogs. And women, don’t be afraid to give it back. Kiss us, touch us and grab our dick. It’s OK.

In my opinion, good sex can carry a relationship through rough patches. If the sex is bad, you guys might as well be friends because a good relationship can’t make up for shitty sex.

The next installment will come soon and it will deal with sex, what positions the man likes, the sounds we want to hear, the places we dream of doing it. So until Part 4, read this, digest it and use it.

Peace.

A must read for women, part 4

So we’ve reached the climax of the blogs (pun intended). This is the intercourse edition. It’s time to get up in it like a thong in a fat girl.

Before you read further, let’s remember this is what MEN like, not a guide on how to please women. This is mainly because I’m not a woman, so how in the hell would I know exactly what you creatures want?

What I can tell you are the things men enjoy when it comes to positions, what to say, finishing, shit like that.

That selfish, obnoxious cat with three babies’ moms who you meet at the club doesn’t care about this stuff because his pleasure is obviously more important to him than the woman’s. But hey, if you meet a dude in a club/bar/party you shouldn’t be surprised when he sticks you, gets off and jets. It’s your own fucking fault for being “that girl from the disco I banged last night.”

Part I: The Mood
For the romantic evening, it’s pretty traditional with a twist of the hood for my people and me. Candles are good, but remember that males are visual. We want to see what were about to get, because what good is the meal if you can’t see the presentation? There’s a reason why porn is a billion-dollar business and not filmed in dark rooms.

Music is a key. I’m sure women have their preferences, but this one is difficult to pin down for guys because everyone’s taste is different. Normally something cool and soulful works. But there are also those nights when you come home from drinking and just want to fuck. It might sound harsh, but if you can take a dick, you can take that. For those occasions, a guy might not want that Marvin Gaye, but maybe something with some bounce in it.

Part II: The Sounds
This can be the hottest part of sex for men. The sound of a woman moaning or breathing hard can take a guy from rocked to Jell-O. Women should never forget they are dealing with men, which means you are dealing with a certain level of ego. We want to hear that we are up to the challenge of pleasing the girl, and sound is one way to let us know. This is also the alternative for those of you who are too embarrassed to talk dirty. Boring ass conservatives.

For those of you who are not too embarrassed to make the dialogue a little nasty, here’s where the blog becomes rated R. Nothing is doper than a woman who can express her joys and/or wants. First, stay away from just saying “harder” or “faster.” I don’t even really know what the fuck that means and I have a college degree and am a wordsmith, so the average guy who has his brain clouded with sexual blood flow will not totally comprehend and might just start hammering away, although that may be the desired action at the time. Just remember to be direct, descriptive or creative. I’d prefer all three. Try saying, “Fuck the shit out of me.” Trust me, we will definitely understand that.

Also, while we’re doing the damn thing, tell us we’re doing a good job. “You got me so wet, Your dick feels soooo good in my pussy, I love when you fuck me like a whore.” All that shit works wonders for a man. When we have a girl that we can show off to our friends, parents and family, it’s great, but it makes her jump up a few notches when she can be the furthest thing from a lady when the doors close. We want to know you have some trash talk in there somewhere.

I understand that some of you have received straight A’s your entire life or may have never uttered a swear word or would never think of calling what you do anything other than making love. But let’s be adults, when it’s going down, I mean when it’s really going down, we want to hear the filthiest shit you can think of. Cuss. Use words that we’d never hear from you any other time. “I want you to bend me over this table and slide your dick in and out of my pussy until I cum all over you.” Yes, that sentence is affective. Trust me, your man will smile and try to accomplish exactly that. This is also one way to make sure no one gets bored, which can happen when you have in-house sex.

When he masturbates, he won’t be thinking of intercourse, he will think of you delivering this ridiculously vulgar rant. So, help your man get a nut by himself and talk dirty.

Part III: Positions
Every girl has heard that men like to hit it from behind. Duh! Next you’ll tell me that you heard we like blowjobs, too. No shit.

Men are especially into this position because it establishes dominance (in a good way) and allows us to control the situation. It also is one of the coolest things well ever see. When a girl has curves, it is mind blowing to look at her bent over or on all fours in front of us while we hit.

A slight modification from that is when the girl lays flat on her stomach and slightly lifts her hips and ass. When we lie on top of you and slip in, it makes the woman’s space tighter, hugging the dick as it moves. If you’ve never done it, it is a must-try.

When a woman is on top of the man, make a relatively boring position interesting by grabbing his chest and maybe scratching it. Lean forward, put your hands on the bed or lean on our chest, close your eyes and drop you head back (like you’re looking at the ceiling) and moan. Men love it.

It is also an ego boost when a man can look in the mirror and see that his back, arms or chest are red with nail marks. It’s a sign that you, the women, enjoyed the experience.

Another one that has worked for the people I’ve had these kinds of discussions with, is lay down on your side with the guy behind the woman. This frees up hands to grab and touch and legs to spread or close. It also allows for the woman to turn around and kiss the guy or for the guy to kiss the back of the girl’s neck.

For the times when you and your man do it missionary, mix it up, and, again, be creative. Try lying on a kitchen table with your legs resting on his shoulders. Move to the edge of the bed so the guy is standing while you’re lying on your back.

Also, learn to keep your balance ASAP. It can be extremely hot for a guy when it gets really aggressive and you are both standing, or he might be carrying you. Up against a wall, in a bathroom stall, in a dressing room. Balance is needed for all of these.

Part IV: Finishing Touches
I’ll repeat this so the women don’t think men are gross. MEN ARE VISUAL! Seeing things works as well for us as feeling things. So don’t be alarmed when your man asks if he can cum ON YOU. It’s strictly so that he can see you accepting it.

He might want to finish on you back, maybe your stomach, likely your chest, even your face. Don’t object; it’s not that crazy of a request. And if you have a respectable guy, he might be a little apprehensive to even ask. So don’t make him feel worse by scolding him for being a pervert.

Also, the famed pearl necklace is a favorite of lots of men. For those who don’t know, that is when he comes on your neck. This is an easy transition after head or when he is rubbing his dick between your breasts.

For those of you who are too uppity to have tried being skeeted on, stop acting like a hurdler with no legs and get over it. For as much as these blogs have talked about pleasing, give us this one. I’m not asking for every time, but give us this luxury on occasion.

These blogs started because I was pissed off about women constantly trying to give other women advice on how to please their men. Unfortunately, that tradition goes back like spinal cords and baby seats. The voice of the people must be heard, and the voice of my boys and I, at the very least, is scripted here on this Web page. So stop sitting around the table with your girlfriends bantering about whether a man likes when you do A, B and C. Come to these blogs and get real insight from a real man. Get away from the ignorant, uniformed pages of Comso and Redbook.

Please your man and he’ll please you.

This is the last scheduled blog, and hopefully you ladies have learned at least one thing. Print them out and share them with friends. I’m not looking for credit, just to be the mouthpiece for all these guys who are a little too shy to say something to their girls. But if you women have more question or topics you want covered, leave a comment and I’ll put together some more info.

Happy cumming.

Peace.