Rough sex: not for all occasions...

Listening to GZA diss 50 Cent in this new song. ... My family had stupid beef on Christmas because no one knows how to act and people are looking for sympathy. ... On the brighter side, I got some SICK 360s as a present from someone. ... I don't know how to answer your email. ... Remember the eight-month skid and ending it in Alex's apartment? ... Or the picture in Monterey? ... Or Phoenix? ... My feet are cold. ... Some people deserve to have a brick thrown at their head. ... I went to a gay couples Christmas party and met this city's public defender and DA. She loved me. ... That party also had a lot of weed being passed. Yes, the public defender took a few hits. And based on social status and attire, the flies on the wall were probably surprised I was the only one not getting high. ... Tiger Woods golf on Wii is off the meter. I've definitely stayed up past 3 a.m. playing that a lot in the last week with Michael and Marco and Chris. ... My cousins lag, but they are pretty fun. ... I miss having a girlfriend. But not having one has advantages. ... I've been watching a lot of bad TV. ... Vanessa says I'm behind the times on that Plan B pill. Forgive me for never having to go get one for anybody. It's just easier to punch their stomach. ... I'm going back to Alex's crib. There's nothing for me here. ... People use "staying in touch" with others as an excuse for having Myspace and Facebook. That's a bogus ass line because that's what email accounts and cell phones are for. Those sites are really used to keep drama alive and to show others how popular a person might believe they are. ... I've also been watching a lot of skateboarding. ... Softball season is over so it's OK to go to jail now. I won't miss anything. ... Working is for the birds. ... Chillin is for kings. ... Sex is for everyone. ... Why do TV stations show fireplaces for Christmas? That's just stupid. It's not a mood setter. ... Giving head - both ways - is a talent lost on some people. The sex gods didn't bless everyone with the gift of being a tiger in the sack. Some people just don't know what in the fuck they are doing. ... I don't like mass text messages. I don't need 99 people sending me the same Merry Xmas message because I don't even talk to 90 of them. Take me off those fucking lists. ... I'm still drunk from last night. ... Why is Lou Holtz on TV? ... Rough sex has to come in moderation. You can be pulling hair and slapping and choking every time or else what's the point? Then it's just normal sex. Make it spontaneous, so when it is time for hair pulling from behind and a hand around the throat, it's hot and orgasm inducing. ... My brother got me a dope hat for Christmas. ... Patron always seems like my friend when I'm sober or buzzed. After that, it's a bastard. ... I don't drink socially. I drink to get tanked. ... Eddie Murphy used to be the funniest person on the planet. Now he's as lame as gas prices going back up. ... Yes, I would like a blow job. Thank you for asking. ... Sacramento was fun. Sac State has talent and money walking it's halls. Lovely. ... Let's move to Miami. ... Let's play mad video games. ... Let's order a stripper. ... Let's go get another bottle, yo. ... Let's just dump her ass in the alley. ... Is George Bush still even the president? Haven't seen that guy in a while. ... Why is it OK to show a guy's ass on network TV but not the ass of a woman? ... I want Me N Ed's. ... I need a new Elite bag. ... I'm trying to drink diet soda now. My body is a temple. ... Pause ... NOT. ... Listening to Woozy by Luda because my phone is ringing so it's time to go. ... Be cool like the Midwest right about now.

Throwing up at the bar is common...

Listening to Politics As Usual. ... It's snowing in parts of the country not used to snow. ... It was too cold to be standing on a field and playing ball this weekend. Edson definitely agrees. ... I like Yoga pants. ... Not to wear but to look at girls wear. ... I think Jennifer Aniston is hotter than Angelina Jolie. ... Sarah Palin's family is too good to be true. And some Republicans want her to be the new face of the party? Good luck with all that. ... Are you not entertained? ... Someone bought me some new 360s. They have orange in them and I don't own orange clothes. But they are still as fresh as watermelons on the vine. ... The NFL is getting more interesting the last couple weeks. Dallas is a choke artist. ... I don't watch much TV beyond sports and cartoons, but I'm hypnotized by Bad Girls Club ... again. These hoes just prove women are all somewhat psycho. I think they all have bugs in their brains that make them act out of order. Some bugs are just bigger than others. ... I like how Christmas trees smell. ... Some girls hate men but they make both our lives miserable, yo. ... I lost my toothbrush, twice. So I bought a new one at like 1 a.m. only to realize one of the "lost" ones was in my backpack. ... I have two ex-girlfriends. ... Why do girls confess a crush, unsolicited, then don't move on it. Why confess at all? ... Some columnist called the NBA "ghetto garbage." Ouch. Start looking for a job. ... I like girls with glasses. Not them big ass Mary J. Blige glasses. I mean real glasses, like the kind that makes you call a girl "four eyes." ... Don't whisper in a group unless you're whispering to all the people. That's one of the rudest things someone can do. ... Strip clubs aren't that bad. They aren't that great, either. ... I'd rather see a girl in a thong than naked ... usually. ... It's cool when I sit next to a girl and put my hand on her lower back and she puts hers on my lap. ... There's a new morning-after pill called "Plan B." That is hilarious to me. ... I rarely like the friends of the girls I like. ... The neck of a turkey is called a wattle. ... Spanish TV has no regard for plot or point as long as the women are as close to naked as legally possible. ... No way Brittney Spears' reality show is real. ... There are way too many dancing shows on TV. ... Bromance? Seriously? ... No wonder this country is one of the dumbest in the world. ... I want teryaki chicken today. ... Getting shaved by the barber is nice. ... This blog calls a spade a spade, like it or not. ... If you're naive, at least try to recognize it and shut the fuck up. ... I'd rather remember Anna and forget Tiffany. ... Alex had a birthday. He threw up AT the bar. That's not the first time a friend or family memeber has done that in the last three months. ... What's happening to the Lakers? ... Stop looking for excuses. ... Pay your rent before you get booted. ... What is life if you don't have fun and do what you want? ... What's a weekend if there's not liquour around or if you're not knocking boots (tribe)? ... They call the Kid a freak but no S&M. ... Remember when we sprayed water at each other in my apartment? ... I wouldn't call it hate. I'd say I despite that person. ... Chris got him a little gold mine. I remember those days. Now I have a silver mine. ... Listening to Girls by Beastie Boys. ... Be cool and remember to carry and umbrella, but do NOT play that song by Rhianna.

They probably didn't even rob him...

Listening to Tha Alkaholiks, Likwidation. ... So check this out: Three nights ago I leave someone's apartment and go to 7-11 at around 2 a.m. I am getting a Slurpee and hot Cheetos. As I'm getting my shit, three Mexican dudes walk in and it's just us and the guy working. The problem is that when they walk in, the guy working is locking all the beer down. Well, this doesn't sit well with these other cats, who are dressed like they just came from the club and were fresh out of the beauty salon. In other words, I hated them on sight. So I take my stuff to the register and these dudes start yelling at the cashier. Outside sits a new Cadillac they came in. They cuss out the guy and go to the car, but before that one of them says "let's jack this motherfucker." I took it for a bad joke. I'm getting my change and about to walk out and all three of these morons walk back in yelling because the guy won't sell them alcohol. One pulls out a gun and says "now what, bitch?" The cashier freaks out and I am about 10 feet from the door. One of the guys looks at me and nods his head like "get out." So I nod my head back while the dude with the piece is threatening the cashier, but isn't demanding money or beer. Just yelling at him. I walk out and get in my car and take off. ... My neck hurts. ... I want these Air Max shoes I saw, but $140 seems too much. ... The Kings fucked up my trip to Sacramento by winning. ... It might snow here next week. Bananas. ... This dog barks like a motherfucker every morning right outside my window. ... Luis is out of prison. That's good. Maybe. ... Girls don't know what they want, so how are guys supposed to know? ... I need to keep busy or my mind wanders. This hasn't been overly difficult lately. ... I want one of those illegal satallite dishes. ... I found his hoodie that I wanted and it took me like 30 minutes of searching in the store for the style and size. Then I throw it on the next day and realize it has a rip near the bottom. Pissed! ... I know waaaay too many flaky people. That is something that really upsets me and is one of the things that irritates me the most. But there's no way to stop people from being like that, I guess. ... Some people need to learn the definition of "naked." ... If you think someone might call your bluff, don't bluff. ... I took that ripped hoodie back to the store and they had no more of my size, of course. I had to order it online. ... Someone made me cookies and they sucked. ... Listening to J-Zone. ... Be cool like this bogus ass California weather.

Edson says: Where's my booty call?...

I was with Edson for his drunken state. It was awesome...

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Let me begin with saying playing softball in the cold is not that fun....I got drunk at the fields this weekend...It happens when you go 0-2 and are done by 3pm....De La Hoya needs to retire...On Sunday he should of turned in his retirement papers...I hate fake people...But I hate fake girls more...I want a Titan...But I was scared to trade all 3 of my bats for one...Anthony is considering flying to Cali twice a month to play ball...I'm considering retirement...People really do hate me...They call me cocky...I call it knowing I'm better than you...I'm not the best at anything I do....But I know I'm better and have more knowledge than some of you....I kind of miss Fresno....I'm frustrated with the bullshit that's going on in the economy....Everyone wants a bailout plan but no one wants to take responsibility for fucking shit up on their own....People got laid off at my work....Seven to be exact....Tribune Co. filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy. The Cubs and Wrigley field weren't included in the Chapter 11 filing....I heard a girl say she doesn't swallow anything that's not "gushy" this weekend. It was funny at the time. Or maybe the fact that I was almost drunk made it funny...I need a booty call...It's cold outside and the fog doesn't help my cause....Christmas is starting to feel overrated, maybe the older I get the less exciting I am for it....Someone tell me why Boise State got screwed from a BCS game and Ohio State with 2 losses gets into one. Did people forget what Boise did to Oklahoma a few years ago....I hate the BCS....I want to see USC play Florida....OU is overrated, matter of fact the entire Big 12 is overrated no defense at all in that conference...Can the Dolphins really make the playoffs?? CC Sabathia wants to play in LA and the National League...The Dodgers better open up their checkbooks!! I need baseball season to start again....I need to realize that ignorant people will always exist and I just have to grow accustomed to them....I try to surround myself with positive people...Negative people are just looking for an excuse to fail...I won't let myself fail at anything I do...Every single person needs to look in the mirror and take responsibilities for their action and not worry about what everyone else is doing...That will probably never happen...The Dark Knight is being re-released to theatres in January. That movie is going to make over a billion dollars...They don't make sneakers the way they used to. I miss a pair of good sneakers...Then again they don't make music the way they used to as well...Does that mean people aren't as creative anymore? I'm going to be an uncle in the very near future...That means I gotta buy another X-Mas present....I'm out like the Cowboys will be from the playoffs....Stay in school kids and do your homework.

My pager was fresh...

Listening to Marvel by GFK. ... Someone thought I don't keep this blog as private as they figured I might. ... Saw Edson for the first time in a while this weekend. ... I saw a lot of people for the first time in a long time this weekend. ... Sacramento tomorrow. ... I'm not sick anymore. ... Life was easier when I was 16. ... My brother got the dopest glove I've seen since I got mine. It was nice before, then Jaime got a hold of it and decorated it something nasty. ... I say "yo" and "fuck" a lot. So what? ... It's time for another guest blog. ... I haven't forgot about the new sex blog. Just lagging on the details. ... I've been eating a lot of Mexican and Asian food over the last two weeks. ... Everytime you text me, I have to start over. And everytime you overreact about what you read or think without consulting me, you set back any chance of us being cool. ... I haven't watched Monday Night Football in a long time. ... Been pushing that Benzo out here. Christopher had her buy him an iPhone. It must be in the blood. ... Since you only seem to have feelings for me when I'm in front of your face, I'll stop being there. You're pushing me away and it's getting easier to not want to deal with this. ... Marcie is a good friend. ... Let's give motherfuckers all this bailout money so they can squander it and fuck themselves all over again. ... We'll see how long these casual observers are interested in politics once Obama's newness wears off and rappers stop putting his name in their lyrics. ... You wanna know the truth, no I don't really communicate with her. But I know you do so don't by a hypocrit. She's not that bad of a person. ... New York invented gully. California invented gangster. ... I'll never wear a white V-neck tee like it was fashionable. ... I'll never wear a hoodie and pull up the sleeves to the middle of my forearms. ... All the rips in my jeans are from wear and tear, not from the factory. ... Everyone wants to know how they do "it" out in Cali. "It" can mean pretty much anything you want. Trend setters live up and down that state. ... Where do you think the name Lil' Weezy originated? ... Is swallowing really that bad? ... I found the happy ending massage spot thanks to Stephen. ... I haven't been as drunk as I should be lately. ... That'll change tomorrow at this Lakers game. ... I want to fly to Phoenix this weekend. ... I want a haircut. I got a barber that does house calls once a week now. ... I still sometimes get phone numbers written on torn off pieces of paper. ... People aren't as techno savvy as they should be. It's like they don't see what the future is. ... Don't be afraid to make a "career" change. ... That's in quotation marks because some of you don't realize that working a job where the owner of the company doesn't know your name isn't a career most likely. ... Everybody is crazy. ... Maybe if I was a thug I could pull her. ... My neck is a wreck. ... I like that Tony Romo is imploding. I don't wish bad on the dude in the game of life, just in football. ... I still look at comic books and ride a skateboard to buy hot Cheetos and apple juice. ... I have stickers all over my bats. ... I don't wear jewlery of any kind because nowadays, that shit is only made to get stolen. ... The world needs more RZA samples. ... I'm surrounded by religious images right now. ... A lot of you need to shed the training bra of life and dive into the cold water. ... We all have one memory that no one will ever hear about and the only people who know about are those that were present. ... I beat Super Mario Bros. last night and almost beat Mike Tyson's Punch Out. ... I didn't cheat in either game. ... Listening to Halftime by Nas. ... Be cool like people with pagers when they first became popular. ... Mine had different colored clips.

I'm bored...

Listening to a Jin freestyle. ... I want a new pair of 360s. ... I don't really have anyone non-family to buy a Christmas present for. ... I saw the cops twist a dude's arm back yesterday and he was in cuffs and not even fighthing them. Fucking swine. ... I can't watch the Kings play. Painful on different levels, but I'm supposed to be at that barn of an arena to watch the Lakers. ... I can't stomach being vulnerable. I think I'm a control freak and that just shows me how not in control of some things I actually am. And that can hurt and humble. ... The Real Houswives of Orange County -- give me a break. ... The Real Houswives of Atlanta -- bitch, please. ... I saw Hancock. Half of it, anyway. ... I don't do what I do for money anymore. ... I do hate you right now. ... To you, I'm really hurt by you right now. But I don't hate you and I'm afraid I'll end up feeling that way soon. ... Listening to Fiend by Jaheim. ... Be cool.

We don't cook tacos on thanksgiving...

Listening to Fallin' by Jay-Z. ... My moods have shifted like a woman's lately. ... I'm just not happy. ... I could be the victim of having too many positives and knowing it. I really don't care if that sounds concieded. That's my latest revelation. ... I responded to an email the other night with a long, detailed diatribe, but when I was finished, I deleted it and never sent it to the person who should have been reading it. I don't even know if she wants it. I don't think I want to send it. ... I try not to hate you. ... The girl I was kinda talking to just told me something bad. ... The one I met with this weekend is a cheerleader for the 49ers and she told me some things that made me smile a lot. Let's see where this goes because it seems I'm totally uncommitted now. ... I won't wear a white tux when I get married. That's lame. ... Thanksgiving was nice. I don't like when people call it "Turkey Day." That's just stupid to me. ... I have a crush on someone and she told me she's returning the favor. She doesn't know I'm returning it, though. ... That new Busta shit - Arab Money - sucks. ... This DVD player doesn't work and I can't watch It's Always Sunny in Philly. Fuck. ... I see in HD. That doesn't help make life in more clear, however. ... How unfortunate that you might never get to see me develop into the man that I strive to be. Both of you. ... I like arm candy. ... I like real candy. ... I like ice cream. ... I like juice boxes and Capri Sun. ... I like fruit snacks. ... I like glossy lips. ... I like big asses. ... I like small waists. ... I like the old school. ... I don't like Las Vegas. ... I like tequila. ... I like Air Maxes. ... I like pro baseball hats. ... I don't like lingerie. ... I do like panties and a wifebeater. ... Writing used to be my release. That's not working lately. Although, writing that email and not sending it made me sleep a little better. ... Biggie Smalls raps about Nissan Sentras a lot. He musta had one like me. ... Plaxico Burress is a moron. Grade A. ... I get mail at my grandma's crib even though I don't live there. ... Someone asked me today if I celebrated Thanksgiving. What the fuck? ... I don't know what to write. ... I'm not feeling too observant or clever or creative. ... Shopping the day after Thanksgiving is for the birds. ... So is Christmas shopping in general. I do that shit online. You don't get trampled that way and no one dies. ... I'm not a club boy. ... Someone else asked me what Mexican people eat on Thanksgiving. What the fuck? Seriously? ... I eat turkey, bitch. ... There is a such thing as being too smart and on point for your own good/happiness. ... It's funny that some people are intelligent and self-aware enough to diagnose their own flaws and faults, but those same people aren't smart enough or don't care enough to correct them. ... I am guilty of this sometimes. Not always. But it hurts my cause when I am. ... Your man is cheating on you, girl. I saw it this weekend. ... Dogs bark more in the ghetto. Early in the morning. ... A two-way pager was just a big texting machine. ... I saw a drop top mustang today with a Louis Vuitton pattern on the rag. That means the part that folds down when the top comes down, yeah, that was LV. And it was black, purple and green. ... I hate going to Wal-Mart. They are always nasty and I feel like I have to be on the toes when I'm in there just in case something pops off. ... Why does Kiesha Cole have her own show? ... It must have been nice in the Old West when you could shoot someone and get away with it by buying the sherrif a beer or something. ... My uncle told me about how him and my dad got the cuffs put on them at a party way back in the day. And of course they didn't even do anything wrong. ... That was back in the days of car clubs, afros and cruising. ... On a cold day, take a steaming hot shower. ... You should take showers anyway so you don't smell. ... I'm not impressed by your Nike Dunks. ... Do I care if I end up single? ... Do you worry about being married and discovering you like someone else whom you just met? ... Listening to 7:30 by Kweli and Res. ... Be cool and don't cross gangsters.

Can't go wrong with a bartender...

Listening to Rocky Balboa trying to talk Apollo Creed out of fighting the Russian. ... I played a lot of softball this weekend and hit .750 in six games. ... I'm sick. Sore throat. Stuffed up. ... I got way smashed before I got on the plane and pictures of me ended up online. That's never a good thing. ... Met a bartender. That's always a good thing. ... I'm back on Alex's couch. ... Craig gave me cold medicine and is in love with an Asian. ... Phoenix is a place I need to be more often. ... I don't really need any Christmas presents unless it's shoes or a bat. ... Do you have a Q-tip? ... I've been promised a haircut. ... I was tanked on the plane thanks to Trenni. ... I'm a fool for lucious lips and nice eyes. ... And a brain. ... And brain. ... There is a new sex blog on deck, so check back for that soon. It will have to do with rough/take-control type of shit. ... In the land of chicken and waffles and taco trucks. ... I don't like people who feel like they have to plan everything. I move with the wind. ... Sometimes I'm horny, and then sometimes I'm not. ... Normally I am, though. ... Benny = hilarious. There's no other way around it. A Mexican who acts like a white stoner and is 20 with a 35-year old girlfriend amuses me. Plus he calls all black people Obama. That might not be right, but it was funny when I heard it in casual conversation. ... My lips are chapped as fuck. ... My bag was more than 50 pounds, but I flirted with the girl at the counter and she didn't make me take anything out of it. ... This blog helps people think. I know this because many of you tell me. That's good. ... For those of you who read it as entertainment, that's good, too. ... Anyone who reads it, period, is OK with me. ... I don't have everyday access to a computer right now. But I do have everyday access to the beach. ... Don't say "Holla back." ... Do say "You can put it wherever you want." ... Don't say "T.I. is my baby daddy." He's not fucking you. ... When a girl covers her face with a pillow, that's hot. ... When a girl is loud in bed and then after acts embarrassed because her windows were wide open ... she knew the whole time. ... We BBQd carne asada in the dark Saturday. ... I need more hoodies in my life. ... No, I'm not a player and I don't have game. If you fall for me, it's mostly your doing so don't be upset at me when something goes awry. ... Here's a new slang word for you ... Dank = good. Just like dank weed. ... My finger nail split in half. ... No good movies out. ... No good titties out. ... Listening to Grand Groove by Tragedy Kadafi. ... I have an autographed picture of the Honky Tonk Man. ... My sIstEr seNdS TeXt mEssAGes LiKe tHis. It's hard to read. ... MC Breed is dead. ... The airport where I landed this morning was playing Michael Jackson. The stuff from when he was still black and had a normal nose. ... Time to shut it down. ... Listening to Southernplayalistic by OutKast. ... Be cool and keep the pimp limp in fashion.

Edson says: Pussy has power

Another entry from Edson. This blog feels him on the softball thing and the girls thing and the blackout thing and the vaginal superpowers thing...

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The Hideout1 is the spot that pisses some people off and speaks for those that are scared to say what they really think....It's pathetic how women believe every bullshit statement they hear...Eminem was suppose to release a new album in December, now it will be out early 2009...I need some new music with substance....I'm tired of hearing Lil' Wayne...Kanye West said he's the voice of this generation and he's the Michael Jordan of this Decade. ...http://music.yahoo.com/read/news/15348921 ... Click here if interested in reading his dumbass quotes....I'm not a fan of Kanye...Obama wants college football to have a playoff system, now that's a good way to use your executive power. Thank you Mr. President we need a freakin' playoff system....I drink Heineken when I drink...Patron is good and usually leads to blackouts....Wait, maybe it's the insane amount of alcohol consumption mixed with a couple of shots of patron that leads to blackouts...I agree that sorority chicks are crazy....I once dated a sorority girl, she was and still is crazy. I think a psychiatrist would have trouble diagnosing her....I have a 52-inch HD TV, forget about watching sports on anything other than a HD TV....I'm disappointed the Lakers lost to Detroit....Believe it or not there is a competition to crown "The World's Best Bottom." The girl that won is Melanie Nunes from Brazil, http://edsonbarrantes.blogspot.com/ click here for pictures ... she's obviously hot....I wouldn't fuck Vida Guerra....I think she fits under the groupies category....Women: Please listen to me. If you are into me and are liking what we got going, don't let some person tell you something stupid without any substance and start ignoring me. It's irritating as hell. Do women not believe in talking about shit? Or is it the whole guys are all the same bullshit? We aren't all the same but with your attitude and demeanor you're going to turn us into assholes....OK, I just vented....Watching Sportscenter for the 37th time today....Kevin Johnson is the new mayor of Sacramento...Remember when he was dishing dimes to Charles Barkley?...People say I talk about sports too much....I say sports makes the world go round....Brock Lesnar knocked Randy out tonight....Lesnar is a fucking giant....People don't pick fights with him at the club. If he wants to dance with your girl you let him. Or you better drink a lot so you have no idea what's going on when he's powerslamming your ass on the bar....A good bar fight makes you feel cool....Then you realize you are an idiot and everyone is staring at you....Usually we don't give a damm cuz there's a reason we just punched someone twice our size...I have fought over a girl before...I also have held myself back because of a girl....Isn't it amazing the power pussy has over us....I should of went to Marquette out of high school. I got accepted, but didn't want to live in the midwest....My boy tells me it's not THAT bad....Speaking of Milwaukee there is no way they sign Vallejo native CC Sabithia....Quick tell me when was the last time UNC Tar Heels Football was ranked in the top 20?....Do you really need gel, hairspray and mousse in your hair....I have bought a girl a drink just because she was pretty....I bought it for her, and then I walked away....At age 26, I sit around and contemplate life a lot more than I ever had....I got friends that threw away their lives...I got friends that are doing it big...I want comfort....I don't need all the toys in life...I get tired of being lonely....I'm not scared to admit that....I'm a cool guy once you get to know me....People say I'm cocky, that's cuz you don't know me. And it's called confidence....I play too much softball...Still trying to figure out what team I'm going to run with next season...I need a drink....Ladies and gents I'm out for the night....As always stay in school and get educated...I'm out like Sarah Palin is from the news....

Stop driving drunk...

Listening to Hippa to da Hoppa by ODB. ... I hadn't planned on doing anything like this until next week because doing things like this hasn't seemed to smooth me out lately. But now I'm bored and there is nothing on TV except Harvey Birdman and I've consumed my share of junk food for the day. ... So I'm back on the horse, kiddo. ... Some of these things are spinoffs, but that's what happens when Chris is part of your blogging group and comes up with good ideas. It's good. He won't sue me for copyright. And if he does, NYC and Cali will have a collision. ... Kid Dynamo is Capt. Kool Aid. ... Burn hydro. Don't burn your friends. ... I can ALMOST take off a bra with one hand. It's that last hook that crushes my dreams. ... I can't get someone out of my mind and I super duper really wish I could. ... This isn't a front. My mood really is better. ... Long blogs are the products of bad and good moods. ... The only lights on in this whole place come from my computer and my dope-to-death television screen. Don't hate. Imitate. ... Yeah, you're out drinking again. What a lush. Guess I won't be talking to you tonight. ... My pillow has been on my couch all day. ... I need to swing a bat. ... Sammy and Juice will be in Phoenix with me. ... I don't know who will be at the Kings-Lakers game with me. It's during the week. ... Stephen will be at the Wu Tang concert with me. ... Watch It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. You won't be disappointed. ... I haven't owned gel, hair spray or any stay-in-place hair products since ... like high school. ... Haircuts make me feel like I can walk into any room, flash a smile, cock my head and turn yours. Mr. Hunt knows this, too. ... He's much more fashionable than me. ... But I can hold an expenisve suit. It's just that most of you will never see that. ... I speak well to white people. ... I speak like a jackass to my people. ... I speak like a rebel at all times. ... Outlaws are always welcome here. ... Keep pushing us underground. We never forget, yo. ... Here's my fear: Hip hop will go overboard with its fake ass Obama support and soon he will turn into a charicature and won't seem real. He'll be like Biggie or Tupac, mostly visible on knee-length T-shirts on kids not old enough to vote or adults who couldn't tell you where or when the vote was. ... My mind skates. ... If you could rewind your life, at what point would you stop? ... There are no more girls clothes in my apartment. ... My dad's afro used to be REEDICKYOULUS. ... Yeah, I'd bone Rosario Dawson. ... Not Vida Guerra. I have high standards. ... BET and MTV are in bed to make the youth of this world dumber. Those are the first two channels to become extinct when I take over the solar system. ... I have a Gucci belt that I didn't pay for. That makes me smile. ... Can we stop with the fake jewlery? What do you think educated people think when they see shit like that? Seriously. You aren't fooling anyone, it doesn't look good and it shows that you try to be ghetto fabulous but can't afford it. ... This is the mind of someone who can step outside the body and look at the shell. ... Alex downloaded plenty of good music that I need. ... Try all the Redman albums, the new GZA, the first GZA, two Big L albums and the new Q-Tip, which he says is surprisingly good. ... My favorite ghost is Slimer. He goes through walls ... even vaginal ones. ... Biology is cool because when a girl cums, her lips turn cold. ... Maybe that's a way to tell if she fakes it. ... I've faked it. Sometimes shit just needs to end and the girl isn't making it happen. ... Yeah, you can suck at it, too. ... I appreciate all the concern for my bad week that is wrapping up. ... I've seen someone throw up from withdrawl. ... I've seen someone, recently, throw up at a bar. ... I've seen someone, recently, throw up WHILE driving me home. But I was just as thumped so I really couldn't say anything. ... Apple is the worst thing to happen to me lately. ... I love cereal. I hate milk. ... I like to eat toast with butter and jelly at like midnight and later. ... I miss hanging out with my dad and watching late-night sit-coms. ... For the first time in my life, I'm officially homesick. ... I'm trying not to hate you so much. ... The fact that I have to try isn't good, is it? ... I still get lost sometimes in the city I live in. ... Cigars suck but the socializing and relaxation that is associated with puffing one is something I desire. ... Never trust people unless they tell you they don't have a disease. ... Tacos aren't healthy food. ... You have to understand that I'm just a quiet person. I'm sorry if that doesn't jive with your never-stop-talking ass. ... At least I'm not a loser. ... Here's a good way to get me off: speak Spanish to me in bed. ... "Papi" and "Daddy" work, also. ... Shut up. ... You can grab it without trying to take it out. ... Your life is bigger than the club and getting hammered inside of it. ... Get over youself a little bit and live in reality as an adult. If you don't know how to handle real life, don't take it out on me. ... I wasn't an asshole because I'm not, despite what you might think. ... It's nice thinking with a clear head. ... "Would you rather have a Lexus or justice? A dream or some substance or a Beamer or a necklace or freedom?" ... I won't drink any tequila unless I've had good stuff long enough to make me not care. ... I've changed a lot since the summer started. It's not evident by looking at me. ... You need to take stock in your life if you let a guy cum inside you and you don't even know much more than his last name. ... You need to take stock in your life and an STD test if you're the guy who does that. ... Listening to Monsters by Scarface. ... Be cool and enjoy the food you eat. It's one of the few real pleasures of life.

Why would you think that was OK?...

Listening to something from Talib Kweli again. ... Sometimes moments in your life inspire you to write and think deeply. I might have just had one, but I don't have anything to write besides this blog. ... Someone who used to be really special to me decided it was a good idea to come back into my life and frustrate the hell out of me and fuck up my birthday. Thanks a lot. I appreciate it. ... Life isn't complicated. People choose to make it that way because it adds substance and I think they don't feel like they are living it to the fullest unless some kind of drama/conflict/chaos is ensuing. There have been times in my life I've been guilty of this. More times than not, I'm able to check myself and not let it affect me too much. Other people don't have that ability and just let those troubles fester and can't get beyond them because they really don't want to. They may say they do, but deep down, they don't. ... Just because I was wrong doesn't mean it's cool for you to be when you should know better. ... You might have the Internet. And there might be porn on it. But unless you have a good high speed connection, you don't have Internet porn. ... I didn't mean to push down Amber's post, but the moment hit tonight. ... If you're reading this, read her's also. ... Guys should take notice of that post, but so should women. We'll all be better off. ... Mind Sex by DP just came on. Not really in the mood to hear that. Especially with an empty bed and a racing mind. ... I have to pee. ... OK, I'm back. ... Family Guy is funny. It's not THAT funny. ... No more butterfly tattoos. ... Don't be afraid to post what the last thing you read in the restroom was. ... A good make-out session can be great. ... A bad one can make you want to sleep. ... I've never been stung by a bee. ... Quintin Tarantino is my favorite movie maker. ... Five points to the first person to know where this is from: "So I suppose it's a little late for an apology, huh?" ... "You suppose correctly." ... That seems fitting right now. ... Maybe I'm not as random as you think. ... I'm an addict. I'll leave it up to your imaginations to figure out what I'm addicted to. ... Ms. Fat Booty by Mos Def is my favorite song. ... I won't ever pay for any girl's titties. They are more yours than mine, so you can pay for them. ... No more skeezers. ... Been lifting a lot lately. I do it for different reasons. ... I don't remember the last movie I saw in the theater. I may have written that one already. ... I don't like when people from waaaaay back in the day see you and act like they have been cool with you your whole life when you barely spoke before. It's usually because they know you're doing better than they are, so they want to latch on. Fuck that. ... No fraternities for me. ... No sororities for my daughter. She doesn't need to buy friends or rely on them for future jobs. That's not how my family will roll. ... Most girls I know from sororities are tramps and/or liars anyway. ... This blog might be the best kept secret on the WWW. ... Does anyone have Muddy Watters by Redman? ... If you do, you're OK with me. ... I don't wear body spray. ... I don't like dogs or cats. I like fish better. ... I'm all over these Cosby Show mini marathons. ... I miss the food from my hometown. ... You used to be hot. Now you're lukewarm. That's why guys don't fall all over you anymore. ... Worst invention ever: cell phones. ... Your hymen doesn't grow back just because you don't have sex for a while. You're not a virgin again. So stupid. ... Try anal. ... Let's get a little more original with our pre-marriage celebrations. ... I think I should only care about girls when my dick is hard. The other way doesn't work. ... I know where you got those Chanel and Louis bags. I'm not stupid. ... Bruce Lee is underrated in this country. ... How would he do in UFC? ... We don't hustle dro. But we know those who do. ... Check your attitude at the door and I will too. It's that simple. ... The reason people butt heads is because they are both stubborn. When no one wants to be the first to give in, it doesn't work. ... The other night, both my feet fell asleep and I couldn't balance myself when I stood. It was wild, yo. ... Let's move west like Kanye. ... By the way, he sucks. ... Carl from Aqua Teen Hunger Force doesn't suck. ... I'm not a fan of fog. I like mist. ... But not Sierra Mist. That's a terrible knock off of Sprite and 7-up. ... I like girls who say yes. But that'll probably end once I have a daughter. ... Strip clubs are cool places to to hang out without dealing with knuckleheads. They aren't really good places to look at girls. ... Private strippers are good sources of prostitution. ... I need a working NES. ... I need a massage. ... They say I kiss good, but that could just be Internet gossip. ... No thin lips. ... No loose lips. ... Patron makes me want sex. ... No chasers. ... No lemon. No salt. ... No crying. ... No pouting. ... No saying "no." ... No panties. ... No boxers anymore. ... No leaving your shit at my place and expecting to get it back if I never see you again. ... I never have anything to wear out. ... Mr. T is handy with computers, he says. ... Guilty pleasure: Rich Boy, Throw Some D's. The remix. ... Not a guilty pleasure: Soulja Boy. ... I have skeeted on someone before. ... I don't drink V-8. That shit is gross. ... No telling on people. ... It shouldn't be a risk that if you buy a girl a drink she might accept it and walk away. She should have the decency to talk for a little. She doesn't have to fuck. ... No faking like you're rich. ... No hangovers. ... No drunk acts of racism toward Hispanic people when you are drunk and at the Mexican restaruant at 3 a.m. ... What? Fuck. ... I think I'm done. Listening to Life is Real by Mos Def. ... Be cool and stop playing with people's emotions.

Amber says: I'll take the drink, not bone you...

This is a big day as The Hideout has its first female guest blogger. Amber is pretty dope, and she simply got tired of the one-sidedness of this blog, so she provides perspective. Agree or disagree with the thoughts, it's pretty good. Soak up game...

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In an attempt to debunk the common belief that ALL women are the same…here is a female perspective in response to the extremely biased and slightly skewed opinions provided to you on this page. A special thank you to all my girls who have provided commentary for this piece…

Fellas, fellas, fellas…what can I say? You are right to think that women are complicated, if we weren't meant to be that way we wouldn't have been created to experience monthly menstrual cycles filled with mood swings, cramping and the intense urge to binge out on everything we see in our kitchen cabinets. But, then again, those 4-7 days of hateful bliss is our only true assurance we aren't carrying your child. No, not every lady "friend" wishes to shed the most painful moments of her life on creating the next you…well at least not at the moment, no matter how cute and athletic the kid would be. This time of month is also our most horny and sexually vulnerable. You want your lady to do the freaky nasty with you in bed… the time to ask is no more than 7 days prior to the start of that monthly nightmare. Then again, you shouldn't have to ask, if she's worth your time, she WILL come to you. By the way, have we ever mentioned how easy ya'll have it?

I would have to agree with the posts saying that panties are ALWAYS optional. Of course they are and for any lady who disagrees, well she's a prude and probably boring once you get her undressed anyways. Why do men always assume that when we go out looking good that we are dressing up for you? And why are all the sexy clothes made to be sold to short women when clothes are made to be modeled by women over 5'10"? I'm 6'1" and am forced to pay more money than my counterparts to look good because I grew up drinking a lot of milk and was blessed with good genes. Yes, I'm tall….and any tool that mentions my height is nothing more than an observant douchebag. No, I'm not a model. Yes, I played basketball. No, I did not play a sport in college....but I could have if I wanted to. Yes, I get asked the same stupid ass questions EVERY fucking day of my life. I digress….Sometimes a woman likes to dress sexy for her and only her. And just because we might be showing skin in all the right places…this is NOT an open invitation for you to pounce us on the dance floor like a fucking cougar and lay your hands where no man has any right to go without at the very least an introduction and a little conversation….and even still, that does not grant you grazing privileges. And FYI, if you assume buying us a drink means we owe you anything related to the above, you're wrong, and that is your problem. We'll gladly accept them, but if you're gonna be a man and take that risk, then be a man and don't piss and moan when we kindly thank you and walk away. Those bitches that let that shit fly and are taking their pants off at bars are also taking their pants off for plenty of other guys in or out of the bar. While I agree manipulating dumb bitches is amusing... To those ladies I say this….stop making all women out to be slores. It's because of you that respectable, confident, self-assured women are forced to deal with assholes on a day-to-day basis. Clean up your act. Yes, I call my own kind bitches…that's because we are. It's in our nature, most likely a defense mechanism granted to us to deal with all you men for whom it is in your nature to think you are the shit.

Of course we act up sometimes…we are women and we are complicated, remember? For those of you who haven't caught on, you need to get used to it…just like you need to accept the fact that we will be bitches. But, that same bitch will also make you pancakes and eggs the next morning…yes, even in our panties, assuming you're the kind of man who treats us more than well enough to make us feel as sexy as we are…and we might even deliver it to you in bed. Perhaps the reason women act up is because we'd like a little love and recognition for all that we do for your lazy asses…is it too much to ask for a little cuddling throughout the day and/or night…just one of MANY theories… I hate to admit it, but even the most independent woman on some level has a desire to please her man. Yet, this same woman appreciates a man who can take care of her….in AND out of bed.

In honor of the spirit of this blog…listening to Bust Your Windows…be cool, eat right, and don't piss off your woman

Juan says: Goose = no hangover...

Another dilatory post by the group on one of Juan's blogs. Again, we apologize, but it's pretty entertaining, so read it, bitch...


In the Saga of a Few Fellas
…oh what the hell I guess I better tell ya.

That’s a little Back 2 Da Hotel by N2 Deep for you not in the know . But really you should know because what else were you listening to back in the day?
There are some classic lyrics in that fantastic party cut… “Purple Changos” and “you got the black broad and I got the white one. “

I really can’t think of a more East Bay song.

The word “Broad” is a very consistent part of my vocabulary. I can’t apologize for it. But if someone called my mom or sister that, I’d probably have to thrust kick them in the throat.
I definitely got the word from hanging out with all my Oakland people.

I am here to add to the West Coast bias.

Where was I going with this? My Saturday evening. Saga of a few fellas….. Watched an outstanding football game (Texas Tech v. Texas) at my boy Ant’s place where a crew had already been assembled.

I personally want air strikes to commence air-strikes against the entire state of Texas. However Texas stepped up (the state not the team) provided us with a great football game.

Usually they give us something stupid like George Bush or Paul Wall. Sometimes the state gives us good things like Lyle Lovett and Geto Boys. Oh and Mike Jones .

The most impressive part of the game wasn’t the scoring fest at the end of the game, or the receiver Crabtree’s run after catch for the final score, but rather the man boobies on the Texas Tech bell ringer. Those things were impressive as hell. Check out the link. I don’t know if it does justice.

After the football game, headed out on the town with my boy Ant and his motley crew. Had some drinks, met some dames.

Made it out to one bar, took off, and headed to a second one.

One of Ant’s dames made it out and he proceeded to convince her that on a night where people were costumed up that her pants were SO unnecessary. She went to the bathroom and returned sans pants and had only a long shirt on. One of the crew held the pants for the duration of the evening.

Ant lifted up the shirt of the young breezy and checked whether she had underwear and if she did, what kind it was. She acted indignant but she didn’t really seem to mind. Somewhere in the evening we lost her. I don’t know if her pants were returned to her. I hope they weren’t. I bet they were the real expensive kind too.

Met another person from what is commonly known as the “Best Coast” last night. The more the merrier. People from the West just get “it.” What is “it”- a mentality, a way of life. I have friends everywhere, but people from the West are just more my speed.

I used the word “immigrant guilt” a lot last night… let me define it for you…. It is the kind of guilt that makes you get up really early when hungover to go for a run or do some work, or makes you hold down various jobs at the same time and still looking for a side hustle. Immigrants and kids of immigrants get that… others well they don’t .

Stayed at the bar for a little bit and sucked down my fair share of Grey Goose and pineapple juice. I won’t ever have scurvy ever in my life now, but similarly, my liver is gonna shut down soon so it all comes out even.

Grey Goose is like sake to me. It is hangover free. No hangover when I fly with the Goose.

Bartenders….There’s a bartender at a bar that I frequent that is looking to have my children but she doesn’t know it yet. “Cause I see some ladies tonight that should be having my baby. Baby.”

Took a cab to a Mexican restaurant called Cielito Lindo.

Cielito Lindo is on the speed dial. For real. Place is pretty good. They need to hire some better looking waitresses though. They are a bit on the dusty side. They can do better in that department. They are capable of more. They’re better than that.

The crew well we took down our fair share of food and some. I kept it simple and got el pastor. Really wanted the ceviche but it was out.

Had I gone with lengua or something like that, it would have been pretty wet of me. And I use wet as a term of endearment. Hispanics use it too. Mojado is the term. Here is a song about it. Mojado by Ricardo Arjona.

I made the night real wet by spending about five bucks on that jukebox. I probably sang too because that is what I do. Not as wet as having stickers with either my last name, or religious figures or my home state on my car window, but wet nonetheless.

You need that kind of shit explained to you. Read a column called “Ask A Mexican” in the OC Weekly. Fantastic column by a young dude named Gustavo Arellano.

I don’t fuck with Qdoba and Chipotle and shit like that. Get that away from me. God damn that shit is vile.

I agree with my boy Ant. I need some Carl’s Jr. or Jack in the Box. Miss those.

Is there a rule that you have to be a shady motherfucker to drive a cab. Somehow one of our fares said $6 last night on the meter but dude insisted it was $9. Last week in San Francisco, some guy wanted me to pay for the cab toll fee for him to cross back across the bridge. What? Shady.

All my memorable cabbies have been in San Francisco. One was an old white guy that talked to me for about fifteen minutes about the great second baseman he had seen in his 200 years or so on the earth. I agree with him Roberto Alomar was the best second basemen I ever personally saw.
Worked out this AM. Me: 1 Nature: 0.

Cielito Lindo torta this AM at about 3AM or so: Me: 1. Nature: 1.

I’ve decided that I got to listen to more Arcade Fire and Kings of Leon . Heard them at the bar last night and decided I need to hear more of them. Saw Kings of Leon live once at Lollapalooza in 2007 and I didn’t like em. I think I didn’t like them because I just wanted to see Pearl Jam already and I don’t think they got a fair shake from me.

Then I heard “Sex on Fire” and decided that I did in fact like them. “Sex on Fire” makes me want to meet a young dame and engage in illicit but consensual activities in a hotel bathroom stall. Listen to that song and tell me that doesn’t make you want to just throw down on a kitchen floor. Or by a large body of water.

Song also sounds like a song that would be on if Dylan McKay came in the room in an old 90210 episode. That dude was just so conflicted. Cool as fuck. Dude was in high school and lived on his own. I was jealous of that and his nailing Kelli on that show. Apparently in the new 90210 (which I haven’t seen) she has his kid.

Arcade Fire makes me want to move to Canada. Or maybe at least visit for a long time.
I got to read more. I got about eight magazine subscriptions and I got to get to my pile of New Yorkers. Just not enough time for reading with participation in basketball leagues and such.

Don’t be fooled…. I’m a pretty good athlete.

Saw an ad for a pay-per-view boxing match coming up between Joe Calzaghe and Roy Jones, Jr. Why the hell would I want to watch that? So his career is over and now Jones wants to fight someone? I love boxing and I’d watch children fight. But this fight…. No thanks.

I need to meet Pam Oliver. She ran track. I don’t need a project chick or a hood rat chick . I need an athletic girl like Pam. That is what I need. I’m actually a sucker for smart girls though. I can’t tolerate dumb girls for anything. I like girls that read.

Amazon. com takes a lot of my money.

There’s something funny about watching the Cowboys fall apart.

I place people in two categories now: Obama supporters and non-Obama supporters. I really can’t say I have THAT many friends that are non-Obama supporters. I kinda don’t like non-Obama supporters. I have a bias against them. And that’s my problem. Their ignorance is their problem.

Does Joe Buck try to look more effeminate every week? Pink shirt and tie combo today? Really? The only way he’s be gayer is if he actually gargled semen.

I think I need to be an ultrasound technician. The commercial makes it sound really appealing.
Pregnant woman can be sexy—just thought of that. Actually no. I hadn’t JUST thought of it. I’ve thought that pregnant woman are sexy for a long time.

I’ve talked about pregnancy on here a lot. I’m gonna stop before I jinx myself bad.

The dame on the Lowe’s commercial has a big ass. And not the bad kind of big ass. Big ass is different than sloppy ass ladies. I’m not a white guy. White guys like the pancake ass or the concave ass. I like girls with some ass.

So in sum, I want a girl that is: an athlete, likes to read and has a great ass.

The 1st guy to get a barbed wire tattoo must be really pissed.

Love the show the Pick-Up Artist. Yes, I like some real delinquent shit.

Rich girls annoy the shit out of me. I feel really sorry for your plight in life. You are good looking, you have a great job with zero responsibility, and you hate your life. Nice. Yes that is directed at someone.

Really looking forward to going home soon.

It is “Ok” to say “Thank you” every once in awhile. I give people so much good information to use for their professional benefit and a fucking thank you would be nice. I’m gracious about their lack of graciousness … to a point. People must be raised by alley cats or some shit to not say “please” or “thank you.”

It is goddamn hailing here.

Yes I am verbose.

I close listening to some Idlewild . Enjoy.

Not happy...

Listening to nothing. ... The time stamps on this are based in the West Coast, but not everyone who posts on this is in the West Coast. ... Strawberry soda is good. If you don't drink it, something is wrong with you, not me. ... Why the fuck are people so stupid? ... I need a 25-and-over rule now because I'm pretty frustrated dealing with immature people. ... On second thought, 25-and-over isn't working too well right now either. So fuck it. ... Listening to nothing still. ... I hope everyone's day sucks.

Juan says: I wanna pick my nose...

Since we always forget to check gmail, this guest blog by my guy Juan has been sitting in the inbox for like a week. He'll have another one posted shorty. So for now, a dilatory post. Sorry, boss...

Back to the Honeycomb Hideout. If you don’t know what that is, you clearly didn’t watch enough Saturday morning cartoons.
Honeycomb's big,
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's not small,
No, no, no.
Honeycomb's got
A big, big taste.
A big, big crunch
For a big, big bite!

What do you know about that?

Last week it snowed (albeit lightly) on Monday. Today it is gonna be near 70 degrees. Weather here is schizophrenic.

If it was socially appropriate, I would shove my finger directly in my nose right now because it is itchy. However I can’t so I’m just wriggling my nose around to little effect.

Broads with color contacts… just don’t do it. I know you don’t have purple eyes. Knock it off. It isn’t a good look. Asian chicks really like this look as do Hispanic chicks. Light –skinned black girls that may or may not like Michael Jackson also think this is a great look.

My eyes are their natural color.

Why did Whoa never stick around as a slang word yet Bling Bling did? Corny fools use Bling Bling on the air. Still.

Jeter used to come to the plate playing Whoa. That alone should have gotten “Whoa” more play.

I’ve see raise the roof at sporting events here.

Speaking of sports…
Basically the Feds should go into the Midwest and have them disband Big Ten football because they're not good at it and instead focus on more important things and should do same to the South because while they may be good at it they spend too much time thinking about it.

Wendy’s Buffalo Chicken sandwich might change your life. I’m a sucker for these marketers that promote these new sandwiches. Smashed one of those at lunch with a strawberry soda.

The Wendy’s I went to---well there were a lot of patrons with neck tattoos there.

At what point does one decide that a neck tattoo is a good idea? And after you decide that it’s a good idea, then how do you decide on a design?

When you get the neck tattoo do you realize that your job prospects have been completely eliminated?

My boy Ant said this weekend that he likes rocker broads with neck tattoos. I can’t fuck with that. I guess to each his own.

I once had a strict no eye ring policy. I broke my rule for an Italian girl that liked girls in San Francisco. I’m a better person for it. Why did I lose touch with her? I’m sure it was for a stupid reason.

Tell me this isn’t how you have felt for the last eight years.

Maybe the South is partially or wholly to blame for the last eight years.

Like Pete Townsend, I like every minute of the day , I’d really prefer it to not be dark at 4:30. It’s slightly depressing. I’m not looking to leaving the office today and having to drive home with my lights on. There is something not right about that.

Listen to The Vagabond by Air featuring Beck.
Howard Stern couldn’t have been any funnier this morning. I’ve been listening to that show since I was 13. It is partially, if not wholly responsible for my sense of humor. It is probably responsible for me getting slapped a time or two by broads.

Big issue in California right now is Proposition 8, a gay marriage ban. Proposition 8 would do one thing: It would use the state constitution to discriminate. That is not what California is about, and it is not what America is about. What do I care what two consenting adults do? The commercials have been incessant. Lots of money being spent on this issue.

I want to know which black person isn’t gonna vote for Obama? I want to know what those clowns are about.

Everywhere I see, I see black folks so proud of Obama. At the Wendy’s there was a lot of peopel rocking Obama shirts. It makes my heart glad.

If a Hispanic was running, I’d never take off their button or shirt. I’d wear the hell out of it.

If Obama wins tomorrow, there’s a chance I cry like a baby out of sheer happiness.

For a lot of people, this is the 1st time they are going to vote. Why? Because they actually feel that their voice either: (1) has mattered, (2) matters, (3) will matter. That says something when people feel on the sidelines for this long.

In Political Science class we were instructed on whether physical representation by one of your own would translate into beneficiary social policy. I guess we will see here if my man wins.

Ruben Amaro Jr. was named General Manager of the Phillies. Hispanic guy. That makes 2 Hispanic General Managers in baseball in a sport that is becomingly increasingly Latino.
Speaking of the Phillies. Cole Hamels, Jimmy Rollins, Pat Burrell, Chase Utley. What do they all have in common? Californians……….all of em. And all major contributors to the team. What does that tell you about the quality of sports, generally, and baseball, specifically in California?

I really don’t want to hear about your fantasy football team. I don’t play. I could give a shit.

I don’t get dudes that spend time getting their haircut and styling their hair to make it look like they just got out of bed and they throw gel on it to solidify the look. How does anyone take cats like that seriously?

White folks like think unisex names like Keegan are classy. Lemme check… yup.. they’re wrong. They’re stupid names.

I’m going to an election party tomorrow. My friend’s wife’s hot friends are going to be there. Sadly, I’m not Jewish so I have no choice. Perhaps they will want to slum it with a guy like me so that they can get back at their father for some shit he did way back.

Joey Porter might be my favorite human being not named Eddie Vedder.

Closing with some Electric Feel by MGMT. I feel like a club kid with this song, but Daddy likes it. I feel like I should be dropping acid, looking at a kaleidoscope and walking aimlessly through the Haight . That is what that song makes me want to do: except I am drug free, last looked at a kaleidoscope at the age of 6. I have however wandered aimlessly through the Haight. Which is better than wandering through the Tenderloin . I thought I was going to lose my life there one morning in search of crepes. I love crepes, but I’m not ready to die for them. I am a man who will fight for their honor like Daniel LaRusso in Karate Kid Dos , but like Johnny Jazz , I don’t want to be their hero. I don’t want to die for them.

Out like Clay Aiken. Out like Prince Fielder in the playoffs.

Fishing sucks...

Listening to the wind beat on my windows. ... Turns out girls frustrate me as much as anything. Over the span of this weekend, I've been lied to by three different females and it seems women have as much trouble telling the motherfucking truth as guys do. ... It's funny because when you decide to be a decent person, you get punctured. ... I'm not waiting on deck just in case shit does or doesn't happen. ... Being upfront is the path most desired. ... Why do some girls constantly ask if you like they're friends when they actually like you? ... Do all women struggle this way or just the ones under 30? ... I think the one I enjoy the most is one from my past. Who would have thought? ... Crocodiles can jump pretty high for having short limbs. ... So do some black people. ... Hispanics throw baseballs in a way that makes the sphere dance. ... White people pay both to do these things. ... If you examine it enough, everything is bad for you. ... The plan is to hit .800 in Arizona. ... We keep forgetting to check the gmail account. ... Sammy has a bet that he won't shave his beard until March. ... I want to live near the ocean. ... Sometimes it's OK to eat an entire bag of Doritos in one night. ... I have a birthday soon. ... I haven't been fishing since I was a kid. It's boring. ... I saw my dad get stung by a wasp one time. ... I saw my brother swallow crazy glue. ... I once caught someone trying to break into the backdoor of my childhood crib. ... I got a Homer Simpson card. It sits in front of my TV. ... Tanner told me that marriage is just some pieces of paper. And it only means that if you decide to break up, more paperwork is required. That's not a bad way to look at it. Now if only girls could have an open mind about this. ... I understand you've been dreaming about that day for a long time, though. ... You should probably try going to church on a consistent basis before you decide to be married in one. ... I don't smoke weed, but my clothes smell like it. ... I was hit on by a girl who breeds horses. Then she made jokes about wanting to ride me. ... Graffitti pieces aren't crimes. ... I'm not a math guy. ... Crazy all depends on the culture you grew up in. ... Don't say one thing to my face, then say another when I turn my back. That's cause for a swing to the neck, kid. ... Listening to a freestyle by The Game, but he's not as loud as the voices bouncing between my ears tonight. ... Be cool and support your local condom distributors.

No more excuses...

Listening to Worst Comes to Worst by Dilated Peoples. … For the first time since like Sept. 11, 2001, it felt cool to be an American. … But for anyone who thinks the path will be easier, you’re fucking wrong, yo. Now you’re accountable for your actions and failures. … It goes like this, Barack Obama didn’t grow up privileged or rich, yet he ended up as president of the United States. Plus, he looks black, even if that’s only a part of his heritage. … So that means black, white, Hispanic, Asian, anyone who grows up in the projects or ghetto really doesn’t have any more excuses. The man who runs this country grew up in a similar fashion and didn’t bitch or complain. By all accounts, he worked his ass off and became the guy we know him to be today. … So now, you can’t cry about being shitted on because he proved it can happen. … The BCS system is bogus. … Some days I believe I need a new job. … Nikki is more than a bumble bee. … I know more than one person who flipped a coin, so to speak, to decide who to vote for. Why even fucking vote? … I hear California might be getting a bullet train. That would be so dope. The population of Central California might boom if it happens, though. Then it would be just like the Bay Area or San Fernando Valley. … I watched Kill Bill the other night and it reminded me that I need to get GZA’s Liquid Swords. … I should check my mail before my box explodes. … Someone recently promised to send me some pictures and they still haven’t shown up. … Here’s something I noticed from election night: Obama held his rally at a public park in downtown Chicago. John McCain held his meeting at a ritzy, exclusive resort in Phoenix. That sort of paints the picture of why Obama won. Not to mention the fact that it was tough to spot a single minority in McCain’s crowd. … Call me naive or ignorant, but hunting is so stupid. … Remember when Ed Norton made that dude bite the curb in American History X? … If you haven’t seen the new Vida Guerra pictures, you should. … The new Guitar Hero commercials are decent. … I’m so glad I don’t have to pick out college classes any more. I would wait until the last minute then just go sit in on the full ones until I got booted. Then I’d go talk to the professor and show them how smooth I was, then they’d let me in. … I’ve been called unprofessional. To that, I say suck my dick. … Part of me feels like I should be doing something else for a living. … Cassie Ventura. Enough said. … Why do all flavors of Flavor Aid come as white powder? … When will they find Amy Winehouse face down in vomit? … I’m so frustrated today. … I haven’t even thought about sex yet. … Listening to You Ain’t Fly by The Roots. … Be cool and try to find me a new way to make money.

Edson says: No need for panties...

Here's another guest blogger presented to you by this group. This is Edson, and I laughed reading this so hopefully you will, too. As it's been posted in the past, if you want to throw something up on here, send it and we'll get it up. And again, we post as you sent it...

Believe it or not there are people that live in Sacramento and have no clue it's the capitol of Cali....Fuckin' retards....If I have to hear another Barack Obama conspiracy theory I'm going to punch someone...If you want to be Republican get the fuck out of California because your vote means shit in this state...The SNL spot with Will Farrell and Tina Fey making fun of George W Bush and Sarah Palin was hilarous...I keep hearing this is the most important election ever....I think I heard that four years ago....The US is in a fucked up economic state....Warren Buffett is a genious and if you don't know who he is google him....People need to get educated....Right now is a great time to invest because you can stretch your dollar more due to market prices being so fucked...I wish I had the funds to invest....If I meet Skip Bayless, I probably would call him an idiot...The three I's: Innovators, Imitators, Idiots. Which I are you?...The Lakers will win the NBA championship....The Dodgers better resign Manny....Playboy is getting played out simply because these girls all look the same...There's more whores on myspace than at Hef's crib....It's sexy to flaunt all your goodies on myspace but it eliminates you from wifey material....Girls with no self respect are necessary for clubs and bars to make money....Read the book from "Underdogs to Wonderdogs," and learn all about how my alma mater made history...If a girl makes me hard she better finish the job. Don't tease me and then get off my bed and say you gotta go. The fuck is that all about....I will join the mile high club before I leave this earth....I'm addicted to my Blackberry...The iPhone needs to be available to more than just AT&T customers...The Blackberry Storm will make everyone forget about the infamous iPhone...Girls love to play Rockband and Guitar Hero...Ladies: Please make sure you wear a thong or no underwear with white pants/shorts. Actually there is no reason to wear anything other than a thong....Sarah Palin got featured in a story on ESPN's Outside the Line....I got a serious school boy crush on Megan Fox. I would love to motorboat her and eat her pussy for hours. She's all that folks....If you aren't in college and hitting the bars daily it's hard as hell to meet girls....Online dating is the ultimate sign of desperation....Pride alone would never let me participate in online dating...I need a million bucks....I agree with Ant, Lil' Wayne is overrated and played the fuck out...Radio rap is whack....Give me Warren G's "Regulate...G Funk Era" over any of Lil' Wayne's albums...California has the worst NFL teams currently....I'm out like Greg Oden was before halftime against the Lakers....

The Joker sucks...

Listening to Renee by the Lost Boyz. ... I saw too many Rainbow Brights last night. ... Bumble Bees, too. Although, a fly one did latch on later in the evening. ... Me and Juice looked more like muggers than regular people. ... I wasn't supposed to drink. Of course, I did. ... Juan saw plenty of white people in black face. So did I. What the fuck is wrong with people? When did that become OK to do? I'm not even black and I was shocked. ... Sammy said I should have been Barack Obama. ... These Air Max 360s in this book are calling me home. ... I got made fun of for ordering food in Spanish last night ... at a Mexican restaurant. ... Someone stole me a bottle of chile. ... You take the good with the bad for Halloween because average girls can look hot, but not-so-hot girls can look far worse than they normally do. Buy costumes that actually fit, please. ... I was happy someone didn't go out clubbing. I wasn't happy that same person decided to make other kind of plans. ... I missed out on Little Red Riding Hood. ... Here's something girls should understand: We do NOT leave our boys. Unless a guy is bitch made, he rarely will. ... I woke up in time to watch afternoon college football. ... Georgia just fumbled. Fuck! ... I'm pretty sure every guy who decided to be Joker knew everyone else in the country would be doing the same. Those people should be beat like techno music. ... Guys can't get upset when other guys stare at their girls if they are dressed like hookers. That's the rule. ... Mini gave me her Carmex, so I'm good now. ... I like seeing tattoos people aren't supposed to see. ... I need a taco truck. No, that is NOT the same thing as a lunch van. ... Good to have Stacey back. ... Too many of you have Rolls Royce frames and Volkswagon brains. ... Bouncers might be the scum of the planet. ... Why is prostitution illegal but gold-digging is not? ... Doggy Dogg World is such an underrated song. ... Woodgrain was dressed as Rollie Fingers, but only a few people knew he was actually supposed to be Method Man. ... The last three weeks are remembered in my mind in single instances that were usually funny. Everything in between those flashes is blurry. ... MMA is more interesting than boxing ... for now. ... O-Dog, Nino Brown and OG Bobby Johnson were three of the hardest people in the history of urban gangster films. ... Don't leave dirty pictures on your digital camera and then go out on Halloween and leave that motherfucker laying around for guys to look at. ... Being in love is overrated. Being single is overrated. ... This week has been a test in finding ways to get home. ... Actually, the last two weeks have been like that. ... I need some juice. ... I had an overload of boy shorts last night. Someone step up to the plate and just wear a thong or nothing under your short dress or skirt. ... What ever happened to drive-by shootings? ... Stephen is begging me to get a tattoo. ... I would never call my girl buttercup. ... My iPhone is stealing wireless right now. ... Don't be afraid to dress in front of an open window. ... Sex in the shower should be better based on the way movies make it seem. ... Don't be afraid to like me. I'm pretty dope. ... What if Mac Dre were still alive? ... What if DJ Premier actually did that album with Nas? ... Listening to Clear the Lane by Phil Da Agony. ... Be cool and consider dressing slutty for every day occassions.

I want a baby...

Listening to Aiight Chill by Gang Starr. ... Someone tell me Dwayne Wade isn't working out a fro hawk. ... I saw a girl with one at the airport the other day. She had a dope design in the side, though. ... My family tree consisted of drug dealers, murderers, robbers, hard workers, dreamers and soccer players. ... I should go to the dentist. ... Has the football season started? ... Basketball started, and I like that. Even if you won't hook me up with tickets ... yet. ... Did the Phillies really win it all? Wow. ... I'll be in Chicago next week. ... I've told some outrageous lies. ... I've been brutally honest. ... I've had unprotected sex. ... I've been the one to insist on a condom. ... Birth control is believed in by the same people who believe that everyone gets into heaven as long as they ask for forgivness before they die. ... I want my place to smell like a girl. It's always nice to walk in and smell that smell. Instead, it smells like candles. That's artificial. ... Edson, your blog will be posted soon. ... Am I the only one who feels sick to their stomach when they hear about an ex dating someone else? That might be one of the worst feelings in the world. For me, it's worse than the break up. There's something about seeing someone you thought you could spend your life with trying to spend it with someone else. ... I wish I could learn lessons at the times I need to learn them and not after. ... A girl's panties make me want to spoon. But they can't be wearing anything but the panties. ... I got twisted last night. I'm still not sure how I got home. ... I'm serious. ... But at least I came home with all my credit cards and phone. ... Don't ever say anything bad about Manny Ramirez while I'm around. ... I want a wife just for the wedding reception. ... I want a little boy just so I can play catch with him. The problem with that is I need a girl to do that. And there's where the real problem lays. ... I've been lifting again. ... If you notice a West Coast bias on this blog, then you're observant. If you wanna complain about it, leave it in the suggestion box so I can throw it away later. ... Bitches. ... Assholes. ... What? ... I don't get hangovers. ... There was a time in my life when I never drank alcohol. Alex says that's when I was super boring. ... I just bought some sneakers. ... This dude at the club last night had a fake fur coat on with a matching hat. For real. And it wasn't a halloween costume. He wore it because he thought it looked attractive. He was black. I'm not saying that for any reason other than to let you know. Do what you want with that information. ... I have surround sound. And I leave it on for everything. ... I still have a bag full of packed clothes, although they aren't folded because I just threw them in there before I went to the airport. ... Why did Jay-Z do a song with Lil Wayne? ... I don't have any baby pictures of myself. ... I have my birth certificate. ... A large part of me has reflected deeply and wants to let all my hair grow out. Like, all the way out. ... That wouldn't be too crispy, though. ... We took shots like Iverson last night. ... I like when a girl cooks in a t-shirt and boy shorts. ... Fuck. ... Cuss words. ... I have so many hoodies. ... I love low-rise jeans. ... I've made an important life decision recently. Undergarments are always optional. ... Yeah, you read that right. ... I'm listening to In Love by Planet Asia. ... Be cool and don't send text messages to the wrong recipient.

I'm a jerk, but you're stupid...

Listening to Only If You Want It by Eazy E. ... I might have recently made a really cool friend. ... I've been waiting for them to show good halloween movies on cable, but they've all sucked so far. ... I bought two bottles of Jarritos today. ... The dude at the Apple store tried scolding me for how I disconnected my phone from the charger. I almost cussed at him but he was hooking me up with something free so I stayed quiet. ... I've always thought about bugging a nail shop. Guys, imagine all the ridiculous/valuable shit you'd hear from girls talking to their nail lady. I could write a best-selling book. ... Melanie's mom read my sex blog. I think my face turned red when I found out, but then I heard she dug it, so it was OK. ... Armando is a great friend. I appreciate it, man. More than you know. ... To whom it may concern, I'll miss you. And don't steal my iPod. ... Liking someone or thinking they are attractive doesn't mean you are trying to fuck. And just because you say you like me doesn't mean I'll let you get naked on my bed. ... Usually. ... People ought to get off Lil Wayne's nuts. He sucks. ... I left all my softball stuff on the other side of the country. ... The NBA is back. Charles Barkley is back. ... I can be a jerk. You can be a certified moron, so you got me there. ... It's so interesting how people change over time. Not just physically. ... It's also interesting, but bothersome, how people refuse to change over the same amount of time. ... I hate when people deny doing shit that every person with a pulse does. ... You're not always wrong. I'm just always right, yo. ... Yeah, I can be arrogant. But I can also be confident while leaving the other thing in the bag. It's all up to who I am around. ... I lifted today for the first time in a couple weeks, at least. I'll stop now because I hate people who only talk about their bodies. ... Adult Swim is among the best blocks of television ever produced. ... The Fresh Prince theme has an extra verse that not everyone knows about. If you don't, download it because it's great. ... Art's brother cried on my shoulder Saturday. And he's a straight gangster. ... We title blogs after they are written. That's one of the rules. Another rule is we don't read over shit after we write it, so if something is worded incorrectly, just deal with it. ... People are way too sensative. ... Why don't graffitti artists get the credit and recognition they derserve? ... I want a tattoo today. I probably won't by Thursday. ... I want it on my hand or wrist. ... My hometown is in the middle of gang warfare. ... I don't smoke weed. ... More people need to know who Mogilla Gorilla is. ... Grape Ape, too. ... I've never thought about what I would want on my grave stone. Thinking about it now, I do know I wouldn't want it to say that I was killed by my wife. ... You don't have to go to church to know your god(s). ... If your motor bike doesn't go more than 30 mph, get off the goddamn road! ... This cartoon I want to watch is on, so I'm out. ... Listening to Ghetto Musick by Outkast. ... Be cool and don't say things to make other people want to punch your teeth out of your skull.

Stop assuming...

Listening to Dave Chappelle being Rick James on a Talib Kweli mixtape. ... We're back after a break. So if you checked in and didn't see anything new, nobody who writes on this blog gives a damn. ... Just keep checking. ... The Roots concert went something like this: A lot of Patron to start, Stephen getting double shots for his birthday and then following around every girl with a big booty, Gym Class Heroes were boring so we drank more, more tequila, The Roots were a blur, a lot of hot women showing off skin for a hip-hop show, Alex separating his shoulder throwing a can of Tecate at a white boy in the parking garage, Mondo throwing another can that hit the same guy in the nose and busted it wide open, one girl trying to hold everyone back, Stephen getting his shirt covered in blood before throwing up at the next bar, Roscoe's was a blur, I drenched his chicken in syrup, and the night ended with some naked people in the Pacific Ocean. ... I got stood up for the wedding I was in. ... People liked my speech. ... I liked one of the bride's maids. ... If you're over the age of 19, you shouldn't be rushing to go see High School Musical. ... Why are they still making SAW movies? ... I just heard Real Compton City G's on a video game commercial. ... Halloween always makes average girls a lot hotter. ... I told someone to never call me again last night. Time will tell if that was a mistake or not. ... Here's a notice to all girls: Stop trying to analyze text messages from guys because you're wrong in your assessments something like 99% of the fucking time. You don't know what we're thinking and you can't figure it out through a text. This isn't a shot at any one girl, because you all do this too much. ... Also, no one knows who I love, so stop assuming you know. Unless I proclaim my love for someone directly to you, STFU about it. ... The Dallas Cowboys are a mess. ... The Rays are done, but BJ Upton is a man. ... I should do laundry. ... I got more HD channels. ... Dracula was actually a pretty boring dude. The only cool thing he did was put people's heads on stakes in front of his castle. He didn't drink blood. ... I'm over True Blood. ... I still like Entourage. ... The iPhone hack was a success. ... I played the original Nintendo on the plane last night. ... Thanks to Melanie for driving me all around town even though I knew she was tired and wanted to go home. Meeting her was the positive from being stood up like I was a fat girl in the 11th grade. ... The joke ratio on the Leno and Letterman has McCain and Palin being made fun off a lot more than Obama and Biden. That's not bias, that's just McCain and Palin being waaaaay easier to make fun of. ... Seriously, why would you pick that lady to run with you? All smart women should rally to get her dumb ass off the ballot because she can only hurt you all, not help. ... I haven't seen a good movie in the theater for a while. Which sucks because I love movie popcorn. ... Someone suggested that Juice, who is white, dress up as a saltine cracker. ... People in Oklahoma catch giant catfish with their hands. Guess what ethnicity/race they are. ... If you've never put hot sauce on fried chicken, you've never eaten fried chicken. ... Don't give out gay candy for Halloween, give out good stuff. And no fruit. ... Are Uggs played out yet? If not, they need to be. They suck ass. ... Why are the old people from 90210 on the new 90210? ... Girls frustrate me so much. Maybe I'm to blame. Maybe they should think before they speak. ... Some recent mistakes weren't worth the consequences. ... Anyone who says they wouldn't change the mistakes they've made in the past is a damn liar. I'd change mine in a second, otherwise they wouldn't be regrettable mistakes, right? ... I woke up at 1:07 p.m. today. ... I lose Chapstick like celebutants lose self respect. ... I need a new job. ... Either that or I need to marry into a legitimately weathly family. Like the kind of wealth that isn't affected by the stupidity of our government. ... I should eat. ... Listening to Ghostface. ... Be cool and don't bother others.

By popular demand...

I wasn't planning on posting these, but again, I got a mild flood of messages asking for them. So instead of emailing everyone, here they are.

Again, these were written a couple years ago, at least. Some things have changed but the messages holds true still. These have been commonly known as "the sex blogs."

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A must read for women, Part 1

I’ve read some of the magazines and watched some of these shows on the Oxygen network and I have a major problem with the sex advice these fucking people are giving. So this blog is dedicated to all the young women who have ever read Redbook or watched that old, gray-haired lady talk about the best way to make a man have an orgasm.

The major flaw in all of those articles and shows is that women are the sources. Someone tell me how in the hell a WOMAN can give other women advice on what MEN like. Does this seem like bullshit to anyone else but me?

Now that we’ve established that these stupid ass women aren’t really qualified to spew male knowledge, here is what’s happening:

First, men are simpletons when it comes to sex. A good kiss, hell sometimes a strong breeze, can get us hard, and it doesn’t take much after that to make us cum, which most women should, hopefully, know. If a woman wants to win a man over, suck his dick, play with his balls and make him a sandwich.

What is a major myth, however, is that a man doesn’t like the other stuff like rubbing and massaging. Maybe that sounds punk, but fuck you, it feels great like a manicure (ladies, don’t be fooled, your man likes manicures if he’s ever experienced one). So here is the breakdown

Part I: Soft Hands
A woman with soft hands can work wonders on a man’s body. This can work when you’re lying around watching a movie or when you’re about to do the loco thing. Take your hand and softly rub the back of your man’s head, especially if his hair is short, and the back of his neck. Hold and rub his hands. Touch his face. Trust me, if he stays quiet, it is working.

Part II: Nails
A woman who can use her nails can get her man to do a whole lot. Lay him on his stomach and lightly run your nails up and down his back. Again, do the same to his head (the one on top). Don’t be mad if he becomes super relaxed or if he just flat out falls asleep in your lap. You will get yours the next day because he won’t forget what you did the night before.

Part III: Kisses
Making out is fun, but sometimes a guy wants to be kissed softly, just like a woman might want. This goes for any place on his body. Start with his neck and ears; give him the chills and he will do everything in his power to make sure you cum when it’s his turn to go to work. Work your way down to his back and chest. When you kiss his chest, do double duty and work the nails on his torso. Keep going south. You don’t have to go down on him, but come close. Use your tongue sparingly so that he notices when you do. DON’T LEAVE HICKIES!!!! I don’t care if he is your boyfriend, unless he tells you, don’t mark him up.

Part IV: Strong hands
The first three parts should set up the fourth. A man will start making YOU sandwiches if you can give him the best massage he’s ever had. Lay him down, start high, work down to his ankles don’t forget his arms. If your man works out and is muscular, you might enjoy it, too. And if you enjoy it, it will make it that much better for him. A man doesn’t want to feel like he is forcing his girl to touch him. Imagine him going down on you and not really wanting to hit the spot with his tongue. It just won’t work.

Part V: Rest
If you do these things correctly, your boyfriend, husband, lover, partner in adultery, will become relaxed and immobilized to the point where he won’t want to stand. If that happens, smile, take pride in your superior work and either continue or let him chill. You’ve done well.

Hopefully this has helped to bust up the ridiculous and mystifying notion that men don’t like sensitivity. We do. If you ask him in public or in front of his boys, maybe he’ll deny it and you’ll know that he is insecure about his sexuality or at least about being snapped on by his people. If you don’t ask and simply do it in private, it will be worth it to you later.

Be aware that this is the first in a series of blogs that are meant to help inform women about the needs of men. This edition was rated G, the next will likely be a little more graphic in dealing with different issues and carry a PG mark. If you get by that and make it to the R version you don’t want to know yet you should be versed enough in the art of pleasing your man that you can cancel your punk ass subscription to all those fucking women’s magazines that fill your head with nonsense and make you feel fat just because you have an ass.

Peace.

A must read for women, Part 2

So, the response to the first installment of this blog was unexpectedly positive by men and women. Not that I didn’t think people would agree, but I didn’t think that many people would read it.

I’m not sure how many more parts there will be, but I do have at least two more issues after this one that I feel need to be addressed. Those will come in due time, but for now, here it is

BLOW JOBS. HEAD. DOME. BRAIN. NECK. TOPPING OFF.

Whatever your group of friends calls it, receiving oral sex from a woman can be one of man’s single greatest experiences, sexual or otherwise, assuming it is done correctly and to his specifications. Let’s start from the beginning. And this gets more graphic than Part 1, for you punk, prude ass bitches that are offended when anyone utters a penis or vagina joke.

Stage I: Initiation
The best blow jobs come unexpectedly and without the guy asking. If a guy has to drop endless hints or basically push the girls head into his lap, the blow job will be unmemorable and serve only the basic purpose of making him catch a nut. And if that is all it is good for, HE WILL NOT WANT TO EVER RETURN THE FAVOR, women! The guy will surely remember if the girl surprises him by undoing his belt while he’s watching a game, playing video games or doing pretty much anything nonsexual. And don’t ask if it is OK to do it and don’t talk while you start unbuckling, just do it. Few things are sexier than a girl who just reaches for the piece and gets the job done.

Stage II: The Act
Obviously, teeth are a no-no. It’s not like when you’re kissing his chest, neck or lips, when a light bite or scraping of the teeth can feel interesting. If you do it on his dick, it is plain painful and annoying. So keep your teeth off and your tongue on. Lick from the top to the bottom of the shaft, but don’t spend too much time on any one spot. Variety is the spice of life and the key to a make-him-twitch blow job. Also, don’t neglect the balls. I can’t even begin to explain how important this is. Don’t just cup them or boringly hold them. Use your mouth and tongue. Don’t be shy. Act like you’ve been drinking even if you haven’t. Use your hand(s) sparingly. We don’t want hand jobs with the tip of your tongue barely grazing the tip of our dick. If your jaw gets tired, take a QUICK break and slowly use your hand. If you go to fast, the dude might unexpectedly finish.

Stage III: Deal With It
If you and your man have been together for a while, or if this is simply a common thing for two people who occasionally hook up, don’t always expect a warning when a guy is about to cum. For us to gather the strength to speak at a time like that takes an unbelievably large amount of energy and effort, so don’t be pissed if it just hits you in the mouth. We don’t mean it like that. Next, DO NOT SPIT IT OUT. Spitting a mouthful back onto his dick or onto the sheets is legitimate cause for ejection from the bedroom. If you absolutely must spit it out, stay on it until were done so it doesn’t spill every place, then go to the restroom. Guys don’t want to see a girl grossed out by it. And if you want to win your man over, SWALLOW. It is my belief that you women have no clue how much a guy likes that. That is one thing we will tell our boys about, and we usually don’t talk about our girls like that; it means that much to us. And if you do it, don’t act like you’re eating a lemon. It only counts if it seems like you enjoy it. And I know it might sound harsh, but don’t kiss us after you swallow, or even if you spit. We don’t skeet in our own mouth for a reason. Simply step to the sink and rinse and then well kiss you.

Step IV: The Aftermath
If the blow job is bad, your man will immediately get up and resume whatever it was he was doing before you domed him. If it is quality, expect him to be immobilized for about five minutes. Don’t immediately ask to be repaid or try to get him hard again. Nothing will fuck up great head faster than a woman who immediately expects to be eaten out or sexed right after, and then gets mad when we aren’t ready. If the deed comes in the bedroom, just keep lying next to him. If it comes at a random time during the day like we talked about in Step I, just let him zip up, go wash your mouth and continue doing what you were doing before he got hard. It is sexy when a woman has the capability to simply make her man cum and then resume her day.

This edition of my rant might seem selfish. Well, that’s because it fucking is. Were talking about brain, and brain is a one-way street. If done correctly and with feeling, a man will watch Desperate Housewives with you and act like he’s not doing just to see those cheating ass hoes. And trust me, a good man will repay the act when the time is right he might even hook you up when you least expect it, like as you step out of the shower or as you walk out the door to go to work. A jerk is 50/50 on the payback, but at least you’ll know he’s a selfish punk.

These first two editions of this string of blogs have been dedicated to debunking myths that women know what men like because their stupid, fucking ignorant friends say they KNOW it’s true. Men keep it real. So take these things to heart, just know that if you’re a hoe who has one night stands, these rules don’t apply to you. They are only for people in some sort of ongoing relationship.

Everyone is welcome to comment on this and give any suggestions or ask any questions. Ill answer them, and if I can’t, Ill research until I can.

Peace.

A must read for women, Part 3

Unquestionably, men can be fucking brain dead when it comes to warming up a woman before sex. I’ve learned this much in 24 years and almost two months: women are not like bicycles that you can just jump on and ride. They are more like cars in the winter that need to be warmed up before they can be driven.

A lot of times magazines like Maxim and FHM have a woman, who is ridiculously hot, pen a column telling men what to do to get a woman going. But that shit is only for one-night stands and whores who are just trying to get a nut and be done with it.

Women need to know how men feel about foreplay so they can better help themselves to get off. Originally, the third installment of this helpful little blog was supposed to be strictly about oral sex, with the ladies being the receivers. However, recent conversations with some girls have made me reconsider and turn Part 3 into a guide for women on what men are unsure of when it comes to sticking the key in the ignition. Do we throw it into drive, or do we let it idle for a while until it runs smoothly?

Part I: Neckedness
Once the decision has been made to get naughty, guys like to be the ones taking the clothes off, and we don’t mind if the girl takes ours off. Few things get a guy going like watching his girl undo his belt and unbuckle his pants. All of this is assuming that the guy isn’t acting like a fucking horny 14-year old who has no respect and beats his piece like it owes him $50. Girls, if a guy is ripping clothes off too quickly, stop him and slow down the mood unless you’re coming home from a night of grinding to the latest song from some Atlanta-born ghetto baby, in which case ripping clothes off is acceptable for a rough fuck.

Once the shirt is off, we want to be the ones who take off the bra (fellas, don’t do this if you have trouble using a can opener. A bra would be way too complicated for you). And let him slide your pants off. And the panties that can be a dope visual for a guy as he slowly slips your wet thong down your thighs.

Ooooh, I just got the chills. *head shake, deep breath, regroup*

Part II: React
Now that the clothes have come off (FYI: A guy who thinks panties are sexy, like me, might let some time pass before those come down), the girl has to react to what her man is doing. On this part, I cant speak for all guys, just the ones interested in making the experience memorable for the woman, but I enjoy taking my time and kissing every part of a woman before doing something grand i.e. going down on her or penetrating. That means kissing and/or licking around her ears, the back of her neck, her inner thighs and the small of her back.

Breasts are key. A man knows at least that much, and if he doesn’t he might be clinically retarded and the woman should seek a doctor for him. But not all women like the same things when it comes to how to treat titties. Some like the nipples to be teased, some hate it. Some like the nipples to be pressed with the tongue, while others like them to be sucked. Guys, if you are unsure of what the woman likes, try different things. Now ladies, you have to make sure to react obviously to what you like. If you don’t, you’ll be the one who suffers.

It is the woman’s job is to react. If you like something, squirm or breathe a little harder. Just give some kind of indicator. That shit works and it turns us on. Don’t be embarrassed like a schoolgirl with a crush. Just fucking tell us what you want! That’s the only way we’ll know. If you don’t tell us and we fuck it up in the future, you have no one to blame but your damn self. Guys like foreplay, but we only like it if we know the girl feels the same. It is your civic duty to respond in positive ways. And if you don’t like something, make it known, subtly or frankly.

Communication is key to great foreplay, dummies.

Part III: Touching
Blog No. 1 went through how a man likes to be touched. For this installment, guys aren’t always sure where to touch a woman with their hands. Do you want your breasts grabbed or played with? Do you want us to grab your ass? I’ll do that whether you like it or not, BTW. Do you want us to be soft, do you want us to grab? Let us know.

When it comes to our fingers – you know what I’m talking about – you’ll have to guide your man. We aren’t always sure what works here. You know what you like better than anyone, and unless you tell the man, he’ll continue to be as clueless as a ghetto-raised minority in an Abercrombie store. And to my overly aggressive cats, don’t try to shove three and four fingers into your lady. If your girl isn’t a prostitute, it’ll just hurt her.

Part IV: The Oral Exam
First, ladies PLEASE, KEEP IT CLEAN! I can’t stress how extremely important this is. If a man is kissing near your bellybutton and he smells something isn’t right, he has every right to knock out your two front teeth for not warning him.

Now, for the guys who refuse to go down on a girl, stop reading my fucking blog and never, ever come back. If you are selfish enough to not do it, be selfish enough to keep you sex life in YOUR OWN HANDS! For the rest of normal society, here is how to keep it good, although you should already know this:

Guys, start by kissing the thighs, alternating between right and left and just graze the clit as you switch sides, but not with your tongue, use your lips. Don’t give her the whole dollar, give her a quarter at a time to start. If your girl responds to the slight touch of your lips, you got her going.

Once you start going down, be prepared to be down there for a while. Work all around the spot and when your mouth starts to get tired, take a break by moving to her tummy or back to her thighs. This can keep her going and give you a rest. Work the lips, clit and if you and your girl have been together for a while, go a little lower. And don’t live in one hole. It’s OK to explore a little, but don’t set up camp. It can be boring and uncomfortable for the girl.

Women, it is up to you, again, to make sure your man knows what you want. I’ve heard it is tough to receive bad head, but it can happen. Don’t let it happen to you and your partner.

Part V: The Transition
From my experience, foreplay is like Fruit by the Foot: it can never be too long. Guys, take your time and be ready to put in overtime. Create the proper, romantic environment when the situation calls for it. Other times it’s cool to be more aggressive, but set up some decent music or a candle or something.

But most of all, don’t rush the shit. If you start hitting it and she’s not ready, she won’t be satisfied and her girls will hear about it. And no guy wants to be the topic of a which-man-can’t-fuck conversation.

Women, if things are going well and the man is making you twist and turn, it is your call to tell him when it is time for entry. If a guy is going down on you, again, assuming he’s not a selfish bastard, and you’re enjoying it, he won’t stop. So it is up to you to grab him by his ears, bring him to you and tell him “I want you, NOW!” That is sexy. We want to know that you want us.

Hopefully I’ve touched on the major points of foreplay when it comes to making the women happy. If I’ve missed something, post a comment so all of us can be informed. Don’t act like a stingy kid with a Popsicle and keep it to yourself.

This blog is interactive. It is meant to be a discussion, not a rulebook. If something I said isn’t striking your libido, tell everyone who reads this what does it for your.

Guys do enjoy foreplay, despite previous reports women might’ve read in those damn magazines I’ve despised in my other blogs. And women, don’t be afraid to give it back. Kiss us, touch us and grab our dick. It’s OK.

In my opinion, good sex can carry a relationship through rough patches. If the sex is bad, you guys might as well be friends because a good relationship can’t make up for shitty sex.

The next installment will come soon and it will deal with sex, what positions the man likes, the sounds we want to hear, the places we dream of doing it. So until Part 4, read this, digest it and use it.

Peace.

A must read for women, part 4

So we’ve reached the climax of the blogs (pun intended). This is the intercourse edition. It’s time to get up in it like a thong in a fat girl.

Before you read further, let’s remember this is what MEN like, not a guide on how to please women. This is mainly because I’m not a woman, so how in the hell would I know exactly what you creatures want?

What I can tell you are the things men enjoy when it comes to positions, what to say, finishing, shit like that.

That selfish, obnoxious cat with three babies’ moms who you meet at the club doesn’t care about this stuff because his pleasure is obviously more important to him than the woman’s. But hey, if you meet a dude in a club/bar/party you shouldn’t be surprised when he sticks you, gets off and jets. It’s your own fucking fault for being “that girl from the disco I banged last night.”

Part I: The Mood
For the romantic evening, it’s pretty traditional with a twist of the hood for my people and me. Candles are good, but remember that males are visual. We want to see what were about to get, because what good is the meal if you can’t see the presentation? There’s a reason why porn is a billion-dollar business and not filmed in dark rooms.

Music is a key. I’m sure women have their preferences, but this one is difficult to pin down for guys because everyone’s taste is different. Normally something cool and soulful works. But there are also those nights when you come home from drinking and just want to fuck. It might sound harsh, but if you can take a dick, you can take that. For those occasions, a guy might not want that Marvin Gaye, but maybe something with some bounce in it.

Part II: The Sounds
This can be the hottest part of sex for men. The sound of a woman moaning or breathing hard can take a guy from rocked to Jell-O. Women should never forget they are dealing with men, which means you are dealing with a certain level of ego. We want to hear that we are up to the challenge of pleasing the girl, and sound is one way to let us know. This is also the alternative for those of you who are too embarrassed to talk dirty. Boring ass conservatives.

For those of you who are not too embarrassed to make the dialogue a little nasty, here’s where the blog becomes rated R. Nothing is doper than a woman who can express her joys and/or wants. First, stay away from just saying “harder” or “faster.” I don’t even really know what the fuck that means and I have a college degree and am a wordsmith, so the average guy who has his brain clouded with sexual blood flow will not totally comprehend and might just start hammering away, although that may be the desired action at the time. Just remember to be direct, descriptive or creative. I’d prefer all three. Try saying, “Fuck the shit out of me.” Trust me, we will definitely understand that.

Also, while we’re doing the damn thing, tell us we’re doing a good job. “You got me so wet, Your dick feels soooo good in my pussy, I love when you fuck me like a whore.” All that shit works wonders for a man. When we have a girl that we can show off to our friends, parents and family, it’s great, but it makes her jump up a few notches when she can be the furthest thing from a lady when the doors close. We want to know you have some trash talk in there somewhere.

I understand that some of you have received straight A’s your entire life or may have never uttered a swear word or would never think of calling what you do anything other than making love. But let’s be adults, when it’s going down, I mean when it’s really going down, we want to hear the filthiest shit you can think of. Cuss. Use words that we’d never hear from you any other time. “I want you to bend me over this table and slide your dick in and out of my pussy until I cum all over you.” Yes, that sentence is affective. Trust me, your man will smile and try to accomplish exactly that. This is also one way to make sure no one gets bored, which can happen when you have in-house sex.

When he masturbates, he won’t be thinking of intercourse, he will think of you delivering this ridiculously vulgar rant. So, help your man get a nut by himself and talk dirty.

Part III: Positions
Every girl has heard that men like to hit it from behind. Duh! Next you’ll tell me that you heard we like blowjobs, too. No shit.

Men are especially into this position because it establishes dominance (in a good way) and allows us to control the situation. It also is one of the coolest things well ever see. When a girl has curves, it is mind blowing to look at her bent over or on all fours in front of us while we hit.

A slight modification from that is when the girl lays flat on her stomach and slightly lifts her hips and ass. When we lie on top of you and slip in, it makes the woman’s space tighter, hugging the dick as it moves. If you’ve never done it, it is a must-try.

When a woman is on top of the man, make a relatively boring position interesting by grabbing his chest and maybe scratching it. Lean forward, put your hands on the bed or lean on our chest, close your eyes and drop you head back (like you’re looking at the ceiling) and moan. Men love it.

It is also an ego boost when a man can look in the mirror and see that his back, arms or chest are red with nail marks. It’s a sign that you, the women, enjoyed the experience.

Another one that has worked for the people I’ve had these kinds of discussions with, is lay down on your side with the guy behind the woman. This frees up hands to grab and touch and legs to spread or close. It also allows for the woman to turn around and kiss the guy or for the guy to kiss the back of the girl’s neck.

For the times when you and your man do it missionary, mix it up, and, again, be creative. Try lying on a kitchen table with your legs resting on his shoulders. Move to the edge of the bed so the guy is standing while you’re lying on your back.

Also, learn to keep your balance ASAP. It can be extremely hot for a guy when it gets really aggressive and you are both standing, or he might be carrying you. Up against a wall, in a bathroom stall, in a dressing room. Balance is needed for all of these.

Part IV: Finishing Touches
I’ll repeat this so the women don’t think men are gross. MEN ARE VISUAL! Seeing things works as well for us as feeling things. So don’t be alarmed when your man asks if he can cum ON YOU. It’s strictly so that he can see you accepting it.

He might want to finish on you back, maybe your stomach, likely your chest, even your face. Don’t object; it’s not that crazy of a request. And if you have a respectable guy, he might be a little apprehensive to even ask. So don’t make him feel worse by scolding him for being a pervert.

Also, the famed pearl necklace is a favorite of lots of men. For those who don’t know, that is when he comes on your neck. This is an easy transition after head or when he is rubbing his dick between your breasts.

For those of you who are too uppity to have tried being skeeted on, stop acting like a hurdler with no legs and get over it. For as much as these blogs have talked about pleasing, give us this one. I’m not asking for every time, but give us this luxury on occasion.

These blogs started because I was pissed off about women constantly trying to give other women advice on how to please their men. Unfortunately, that tradition goes back like spinal cords and baby seats. The voice of the people must be heard, and the voice of my boys and I, at the very least, is scripted here on this Web page. So stop sitting around the table with your girlfriends bantering about whether a man likes when you do A, B and C. Come to these blogs and get real insight from a real man. Get away from the ignorant, uniformed pages of Comso and Redbook.

Please your man and he’ll please you.

This is the last scheduled blog, and hopefully you ladies have learned at least one thing. Print them out and share them with friends. I’m not looking for credit, just to be the mouthpiece for all these guys who are a little too shy to say something to their girls. But if you women have more question or topics you want covered, leave a comment and I’ll put together some more info.

Happy cumming.

Peace.