No means no...

Listening to the voices in my head. ... This place needs more late-night massage parlors. ... I'm also doing research for a story on Brandon Jennings. Looks like I'll spend part of the holidays in Compton. ... Does my condo smell weird? ... Fuck you. You're weird, bitch. ... I like a girl. I get mixed signals, though. ... I strikeout a lot. ... Everyone had a comment about my knit cap today. But the guy I did TV with liked it. My boss said it was goofy. ... No one told me about the birds and the bees. They just handed me condoms and said I should use them. ... Girls shed too much hair. ... I think most men have the inherit need to make sense during a disagreement (for the most part), and women just have an inherit need to be the winner. That's why it turns into an argument. ... Stop talking about me. You people don't even know me beyond the fact that you see me on different media outlets. You don't know what I do in my spare time so shut the fuck up. ... I need chopsticks. I never have any when I want them. ... My love life is terrible. ... Someone called me random. Weird. ... I love movie popcorn. Sometimes I go see a movie I don't wanna see just to eat it. ... I got a bunch new HD channels on my cable when I got back from Cali. I love it. ... Especially Cartoon Network. ... I've had my duck sicked in the wrong places and the wrong times. Regrettable decisions for the most part. ... I'm a kid. I'm not planning on growing up. ... Ment want one thing from many women (for the most part). Women want many things from one man (for the most part). ... Have you seen that Jersey Shore girl get punched? Awesome. ... That show is a mess. I can't look away. ... A girl told me she wanted to rape me last night. And that she would. ... Drew is probably the funnest dude to be in a press box with out here. We cuss each other out a lot. Not to mention others. ... I have a sleeping problem. Seriously. I can't fall asleep before 6 a.m. no matter what. ... Nothing good ever comes from Craigslist after 2 a.m. ... I may get a tattoo in a week or so. ... I'm bad at gauging a woman's interest in me. And I'm too shy to overpursue or just ask flat out. ... Listening to Lean on Me live. ... Be cool and don't go too long without brushing your teeth.

Yikes...

I got offered my own hour-long sports radio show tonight. I'm kinda excited.

Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda...

Listening to the new Mos Def mixtape. ... I'm posting again because I'm bored out of my fucking head. ... So I've decided to list some of what I'm doing now and what I could or wish I was doing. ... Yeah, that bored. ... I figure I could walk out to my lobby, wait for someone to walk in the door and just start a fight. Kinda like a fight club but they wouldn't know why I was beating on them. ... I'm texting Alex back and forth. ... It would be way better to be chillin with him in the beach condo and smoking drugs then maybe walking to the beach or the bar to watch the Laker game. ... Or I wouldn't mind talking to Brittany. Turns out she's kinda cool. ... I could eat, but that's not very healthy anymore since I've already eaten a couple times and lifted and ran. ... I wish I didn't have to wake up early because I'd just go out or something. ... I could work on my cover letter for that ESPN job but I'm way too lazy right now. ... I could pour myself more orange juice. ... I could go outside. There's snow on the ground, though, so fuck all that noise. ... My collarbone is hurting. Has been since I was in California. ... I could talk to Senerey but that might make my head hurt, too. ... I could lift again. But again, that lazy thing. ... I could write about sports, but I do that for a living so I'm not trying to do it when I'm not being paid. ... Fuck working for free, yo. ... I wish I was sitting at Patron's bar right about now eating bacon-wrapped shrimp. ... I could call some family I haven't talked to in a while, but I don't do that whole phone/talking thing a lot so that's kinda out. ... Someone said to me the other day that Trevor Ariza is more ghetto than Ron Artest. I could try to figure out what was going on in that person's mind when that was said. Anyone care to off a rebuttal to that, because I don't have the energy? ... I should do some dishes. ... I could watch this documentary on Jimi Hendrix I have on DVR, but the basketball game is coming on. ... Speaking of that, I think I can ride out these next few minutes until the Lakers tip off. ... Be cool and try to think of something for me to do the next time I'm bored.

Because, bitch...

I've been looking for people for different reasons: Tara (the reason for the post), Amber from Madison, Anna (I know how to get in touch but not sure if that's smart, but I kinda want to), Nate, Stacey, Valerie, someone to give me a new job because the one I have makes me want to slice my face with a box cutter and permenately damage it, Brenda Lee, Shannon, Jaime the glove man, the person who swiped my sanity (likely the person who invented cold/snow), Erin from Texas, Brandi's sister. I guess that's all I can think of.

Everyone has a nickname...

Listening to Jet Screamer rock out on his guitar. He's a Jetsons character if you didn't know. Most people don't. ... Boom is a dope network. ... My fault for not posting in a while if anyone is even still out there paying attention to Kid Dynamite. ... I was MIA for about five weeks on the West Coast. I'll attempt to run down what happened out there, at least what I remember. Keep in mind, bottles upon crashing bottles of tequila were involved on a nearly nightly basis. ... Bad New Bears steelos. ... Went to Phoenix. Played well, then played poorly. Valerie still noticed. That got her a ride to Dodger Stadium once we were back in LA, since she's from there. ... Night one in the Southland, got tanked. This phrase was born ... GET THAT TANK! FUCK YOU THANK!?!?!?! ... I'm pretty sure I heard that chant upwards of 7,500 times in five weeks. Mostly by Patron aka Patreezy aka The Irishman aka Cracker Ass Pat. ... Night two, Patron chilled with me at Saloon. I threw up on a cab and rode with my head out the window for like four miles. It was a great way to get going and only a small hint at was awaited me, Patron, Grape Ape, Rash Guard and anyone else who decided it was a clever idea to hang out with us from the middle of October to the middle of November. ... Me and GA went to the Dodgers playoff game with my pops and uncle. Had a blast. I got cited for drinking tequila in the parking lot before the game. We lost our voices by the fourth inning. We called Shane Victorino a puto until my throat hurt. ... The next day, we went back to Dodger stadium about eight deep for the second game. The Dodgers won. We got tanked. Valerie fit in, kinda. RG took some awesome pictures that I can't post because then this wouldn't be the underground hideout. Duh. That night continued on at Sully's with Esteban in tow. RG threw up a shot of Patron on Patron. Yes, you read the correctly. She threw up the Patron tequila on Patron the human. He wasn't happy and after taking 899 more shots, he walked out of the bar and to a liqour store never to be heard from again ... until we heard from him again later as he staggered through the parking lot. ... WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH VICTORINO?!?!?!!?!? ... HE'S A PUTOOOOOO!!!!! ... We lost our voice again and Victorino flipped us off. He's a nice guy. ... Fuck him. ... I don't remember what happened after we found Patreezy. I think we went to Saloon but I can't be sure about that. ... So that's like three days I've been there and two people have thrown up. ... Esteban stayed for his birthday and we went out to the pier on Sunday with Patron and GA. I can't even remember what happened once we went out except that we absolutely murdered our livers. And Esteban takes two straws and puts them in his tall Red Bull and Grey Goose, then says "INTRODUCING THE GHOSTFACE KILLAHHHHHHH!!!" Then he drank the entire drink through the straws in about 4 seconds. This proceeded to happen about 6 more times. ... Then we get out of the bar about 1:55 a.m. Esteban is blasted. He walks into a liqour store and buys a six pack of Corona and cloves for some reason. He lights one and pops a bottle and starts drinking ... on the pier ... with cops crawling. ... He then walks up to a cop car, and screams FUCK THE POLICE! ... Pat grabs him and drags him away. ... We get to the parking lot and he cracks three more Coronas and tries giving them to all of us. We can't do it and put them on the sidewalk, full. We get in the car and bounce. Get to the house, Esteban goes to Patron's disgusting bathroom and throws up and then passes out face first on a floor where I've definitely seen insects. Then his girl starts calling and me and Patron start on this long story about how we lost her man and the last time we saw him he was heading toward the beach with a big, big Asian girl that could have playedl linebacker for the New York Football Giants, as Pat put it. She cried. Then told us how big her boobs are. We then held up the phone to Esteban's ear and he can't really talk. He just makes sounds and eventually gets out the words, "Shut up, you're not making any sense," to his girl. She cries again. Then he tells her he is the Ghostface Killah, in honor of the Wu-Tang Clan. ... From that point on, everyone changed Esteban's name in their phones to GFK. ... That's three people who have thrown up and I hadn't been there a week. Patron said that was the most fun he's ever had being sober (he got there late cuz he had to work so he just had a little brew). ... Man, this is a blur. ... I'll start condensing this. ... Chronoligical order be damned. ... GFK left and never came back. He was scared. ... RG cried a lot. ... GA had to work too much, but he got that tank a lot. And he earned a new nickname ... Space Ghost Coast to Coast, because he fails to focus his eyes when he is smashed. So he could be talking to you, but he looks right through your body like you're not even standing in front of him. It's most funny when he does this to a girl he is trying to game up. ... RG made out with a jockey at Saloon. ... Patron and Esteban made an attempt to double team a 50 year old on the dance floor wearing a skin-tight leopard dress. It didn't work. ... We smoked drugs and ate a pumpkin pie that was drugs. GA is hilarious when high. ... Me and Patron watched about 45 episodes of Law and Order. ... I ate a lot of microwave burritos and French bread pizzas at 3 in the morning. ... Me and Patron saw a girl's birth canal because she thought it was a good idea to spread open her pussy for a camera. Patron made her friend miss her methadone appointment. She was a recovering heroin addict. I'll leave that story there because it's too outrageous for anyone not there to believe. ... I drank a bottle of vodka with Matty and then I stole his toy great white shark and put it in front of GA's TV and we named him Terrance. He is officially a roommate. ... Patron stole a smoke stack chimney from the upstairs neighbor because he was convinced he called the cops on us at 3 a.m. after we got back from the bar. ... GA later broke that chimney by throwing it while he was tanked because we told him it was this guy he hates. ... Carly's boyfriend, the chimney guy, must fuck well. ... Either that or she's young and naive. I'm going with that. ... Me and Patron, once again, got into trouble when he was drunk and decided to call over a whore on Craigslist. She was three hours late, Patron slammed the door in her face. Megan cried because she thought she was going to die because she honestly believed the girl's bodyguard would come back with a gun and shoot us. I'm not joking. She's from Canada, though, so you know... ... RG made us chorizo and eggs at 4 a.m. We ate and passed out. ... Patron had his own room and bed but chose to sleep on a 4-foot couch half the time. He's 6-5. ... I drank tequila for breakfast while eating a breakfast sandwich one day. ... We introduced everyone to Vincent Skullworth III. Then everyone proceeded to skull fuck drinks like they were going out of style. That's a good way to blackout. Quickly. ... Hannah Montana came to visit and got schemes pulled on her and all women would be embarassed for her if they knew what happened. She doesn't know. ... Nitwit came over and got blasted her first night to the point that people didn't like her. Then on the second night, my birthday, Patron dropped her on the floor and fell on top of her while they danced. People liked her better at that point. Carly tried to talk to her for what everyone agrees was to get information on her business with me. ... Gizmo then came by so GA could blow her back out, she could pass out massages and Patron could finger her in the car and attempt to cum on her face. It didn't work. He was too tanked. So he kicked her out of his room, but she couldn't go back to GA's room because he was banging out a bartender from another bar. So she slept like a fetus on a chair. And GA doesn't remember if he fucked that girl. The only way he knew something happened is because we were moving his bed to a new apartment and he found a condom behind it. Used, of course. ... This is a lot. Fuck. ... Oh! How could I forget. Mando came out for my birthday and ended up pissing on Gizmo while she was passed out. It was one of the funniest things I have EVER witnessed in my life. No doubt. ... GA then fucked Gizmo before she took a shower. And he knew she got peed on. It didn't matter. He was hard. ... We moved to a place closer to the beach. It's next to an Italian grocery store that has Martinelli's sparkling apple juice. Best drink next to Slurpees, of which I probably drank 40. ... There's a lot more that I left out because it's just way too much. If you missed it, fuck you. ... Oh, and we went to Mideivil Times for my birthday. It was bananas! ... I bend the truth to girls. ... I've seen things that would drop your jaw. ... The last two months of my life I think I've had a handful of girls attempt to have sex with me. You're not Twista. It won't happen overnight. ... When a girl is with a man, she feels like he's taking something and she likes it. With a boy, she feels like he's stealing something and she doesn't like it and never comes back. I heard that and had to write it. ... I wanna ride a bike. ... "Did you sodomize her?" ... "No." ... "Oh. That's too bad." ... Flying kites has a different meaning for me than it does for you. ... Is happiness improved core misery? ... Amber isn't interested. ... Mexicans have to fly to get shit crackers walk to. ... Fuck a Dr. Phil. ... There's always one asshole in the family. ... Don't be afraid to get old, man. It's not a bad thing. Some old people are pretty cool. I hope I'll be one of them if I live long enough to get old. ... I ran on the beach a lot. ... A lot of people are in purgatory. According to their beliefs. Although they never think so. But they are. Religion is so contridictory that people can't help but to twist themselves like a pretzel with nothing to show for it. ... Why does everyone say dead people end up in heaven? Sometimes people sucked ass when they were alive. You don't know everything everyone does with their time. ... People refuse to be realistic. They'd rather stroke themselves and their egos. That's such bullshit. ... And bullshit is bad for you. ... I love spicy Chinese food. ... There are a lot of cliches but "ignorance is bliss" might be the most accurate. If you're stupid and don't know it, that's awesome. Smart people are too burdened. ... Remember spelling tests? ... I know too many Ashelys and Alyssas and Melissas and Valeries. Parents of people in my generation latched onto names and rode those bitches until the wheels fell off. ... Let your kids play. Let them fall down. Let them get dirty and sometimes let them eat dirt. Let them cry. Let them figure shit out on their own. Give them crayons and a pale and a ball. They'll know what to do. Stop acting like they are fine china. They're kids. Let them grow without your hands on them at all times. I don't have kids, but that doesn't matter. ... I don't trust dishwashers. I use my hands. ... People say I'm angry on this blog. Wrong. ... I love people. In short bursts. Then I have to bounce. My tolerance level for stupid bullshit is very low and it's even lower for dumb people who truly believe they are the smartest person in every room they enter. ... I also don't like people who can't tell they are annoying everyone else. ... It's an art to leave those kinds of people gracefully since good mannrs are so important in our society. Whatever, yo. ... I don't answer some people's calls because I know that's a 12-minute conversation minimum about nothing too important at all. I don't like talking on the phone so I don't answer. ... Pubic hair can be underrated. On girls. ... You're always a candidate to be on speaker phone if you call and I actually do answer. Remember that. ... They are trying to turn Shit My Dad Says into a TV show. If there is a worse idea, I haven't heard it yet. ... A lot of people are boring. ... I think that's why I'm quiet. If I talk and it leads to other people talking and they're boring, I'll be mad. If I talk to you, it's usually because i still thing you're interesting in some way. ... I'm not better than everyone. I just think outwardly and am able to express myself. ... Make me pancakes and rub my balls. ... Most people don't ask enough questions. About anything. ... Pride comes before the fall. I know this first hand and I'm not even 30. I hope I learn my lesson soon. Chances are I won't. And then I'll type this again. ... What does taking your hat off have to do with being polite? How does an uncovered head make you polite? I'm keeping mine on. Fuck you. ... I also don't think head gear has much to do with how god views you as a person. If he's all encompassing, why do some religions require hates while others don't? This is another reason I think religion is bogus. ... Why do we swear with our right hand? ... You know what? Men decided on these things at one point or another. Not God. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe not. But if God was so busy putting together humanity and our planet as well as other shit, he was probably too busy to write the bible. ... I've sworn to God when I was lying. ... I'm ready to commit. Just FYI. ... I watch movies and see couples fight. I want that. Not the fight, but caring enough to even be involved in one. Right now, I just walked away or stop talking. ... Sand in my computer but fuck it. Been thinking a lot. I'm trying to enjoy my life right now without thinking about the bullshit that makes you enjoy it less. ... If a girl says she's on the pill, assume she's lying. ... "I was so drunk, I could have talked to a chair and not known it." ... "How do you know you didn't?" ... "I don't." ... Give me head like shampoo. ... Women make me weak. ... I'm scared to be a husband. Not a father. ... It's not good to think sooooo much. You might overthink something that is simple. ... Giraffes look cool. ... Are you tired of reading yet? ... Why don't kids have Legos anymore? ... I'm done. ... Listening to Bob Marley and wishing I was listening to Bob Marley the way most people listen to Bob Marley. .... Be cool and remember that stereotypes are stereotypes for a reason. But don't base your life or beliefs on them.

But Skittles are my favorite...

Listening to Fashawn. He's from Fresno, made it big, kinda. I don't really like it, though. ... I played eight games today. ... I need a massage and a hot tub. ... Someone made me think about long-distance relationships last night. She asked how would something like that work. In my situation, I travel back to my home state a lot, like a lot more than most people who don't live in their home state. Also, I'm not broke anymore, so the whole travel and seeing each other aspect of it can be managed. It will suck being apart for weeks at a time, but it's doable. What really matters, I think, is both people being committed to the relationship and knowing what they are getting into. I've tried this before and that part of the relationship was successful. It was other stuff that ended it. ... That being said, I like the girl, but I don't know enough about her to know if that's what I'd want right now. That's not to say I don't or wouldn't, though. ... I burnt the roof of my mouth with pizza earlier today. Now my it hurts to eat dinner. ... Why do both my elbows hurt? ... I miss having someone to text dirty things to. ... Someone gave me a stack of Playboys and I sold them all for 20 bucks to some old man. he said they were for his sons. I doubt it. ... I like when it's overcast. ... Girls should not try to talk to me or anyone else about our "relationship" when they are drunk. ... I'm glad I don't work tomorrow. ... My iPhone is pissing me off. I can't get this update to take and I've tried a bunch of so-called solutions. Gabe is helping me through AIM right now. ... Wait ... ... ... I might have it fixed. ... ... ... Wait. ... ... ... ... ... ... Gabe needs to hurry up and answer me so I know he got my last text. ... ... ... If you don't know who Bruce Lee is, use the Internet and find out. ... ... ... Ah, fuck! I didn't know the USC game was on TV! I missed the first half. I'm a jeenyes. ... FIXED IT! I think. ... I got this little wooden carving from like the fair or some shit, and it's of my name. My mome and dad or someone like that got it for me a long time ago. It broke the other day. I tried to glue it with crazy glue. Of course that didn't work because it's wood. Again, I'm smart. ... I'm playing in Michigan next weekend and Phoenix the weekend after that. Anyone wanna roll? ... Art is a bartender now. This should be fun when I go back home. ... I feel like the color tan. Very unexciting and bland. ... I lost a bet and now I'm supposed to wear pink underwear of some kind. It's up to the guy I lost the bet to as to which kind they'll be. Not looking forward to paying up on that. ... I don't wanna hear anymore about Tim Fucking Tebow. ... I think I'm going to fall asleep on my couch tonight while I watch movies and eat Starburst and Sweet Tarts. ... Stop telling me I should get a dog. I don't like dogs. ... I like fish. ... I like sharks, mostly. And apes and alligators. ... I've been squeezing the same tube of toothpaste that seems empty for like a week because I haven't gone to the store. ... You can keep the 100-degree weather. ... Gabe told me I couldn't handle that kind of weather anymore. I don't want to handle that bullshit. ... Valerie seems to be cool again. ... Few things suck more than catching a good movie on TV but it's one cable so it's edited for all the cussing/nudity. It just makes it mediocre. ... Ichiro got ejected from his first baseball game. I love that guy. ... Minerva pissed me off today. ... This attractive girl always brings her punk ass poodle around my patio door. I'm about to tell that bitch to move. ... It seems I'm OK at bowling. But it makes my fingers hurt. I don't like that. ... I scraped up my leg on the dirt today. It's not going to feel good when I finally decide to get off my ass and take a shower. ... Chris is in Iowa messing with white girls and playing ball. ... OK, I gotta fuck with my phone some more. ... Listening to the Blueprint 3. It's all right. ... Be cool and teach younger people how to tell time on a non-digital clock.

You're lucky I like girl parts...

Girls make me mad and give me headaches and make me wanna pull their hair and push their face in the sand. ... That is all. ... Be cool and don't bother me.

Hair is OK...

Listening to the new Raekwon album. You should listen to it, too. ... The trains in Chicago are loud as fuck. I don't like that. ... I don't like to shave. That shit takes up time out of my day that I'm not willing to give up. But I think it could be worse. I could be a girl. ... You people have to shave your legs and all this otherwise no one will like you. That sucks, but it's life. ... Also, I like variety. Not the magazine, but variety. Like for instance, yes, I like a girl who doesn't leave any hair on her vagina. That's nice to look at if you have a pretty pussy. I can have fun with that. However, it's OK to change things up a little. Maybe do something different with that bitch. With me, nothing is off limits. Keep me wondering what I'll see next when I slide your panties down your legs. ... Here's something to learn from: I introduce my boy in Phoenix to this chick. They start fucking, but they definitely aren't a couple. But she catches feelings ... hard. Next thing you know, a couple, few months go by and boom, the bitch gets my buddy's NAME TATTOOED ON HER HIP! That's not a lie. They were basically just haning out and having sex and she goes and takes it to another level. Moron. ... The NFL pisses me off. I like college football way more. ... Kanye West has been called an idiot on here more than once, I think. So I don't think I really need to say it again. But it is pretty cool that the president called him a jackass. ... I don't like lip rings or studs. ... I like my new condo. ... Someone in Nor*Cal is on my mind. ... I've decided it's eyes and lips. Not even a doubt anymore. ... This girl asked someone else, not me, if my Gucci sneakers were fake. Then she asked me to buy her a shot. ... Didn't happen. ... Chris lives in Iowa now. Fuck. At least he's playing ball. ... Be cool and avoid razor bumps.

Can I ask you to STFU?...

Listening to the Dodgers play the Rockies. ... I know it's been a while since I've written, so my fault to whoever has been checking in. I've been busy and lazy. ... Face down, ass up. I like that motto. ... So I got BLASTED by a 50-something year old white guy on his FACEBOOK the other day. Seriously. The dude is in his 50s, I've been told, and has a Facebook. You all know how I feel about Facebook, so I won't go there. Basically, used to work where I work and he lost his job and thought he was good at what he did. He wasn't. So he went all over his profile and said I was a bum and a blog and cried. I get he was mad that he lost his job, but last time I saw this cat, he was all smiles. Of course he wasn't going to tell me how he felt to my face, right?. ... Wet more girls than the pool and the beach. ... Life is too short not to have an orgasm daily. ... Alex said this: Ass play is the new black. I happen to agree. Although, this isn't something entirely new. It's kind of old. Get with the program. ... I hate when someone, mostly girls, start a conversation by saying, "Can I ask you something?" WTF is that about? Yeah, you can. And you just did. Instead of saying that, which always leads me to think this conversation is going to end up badly, just ask the fucking question. ... I like a girl who knows what defensive indifference is. ... I don't like other blogs dedicated to baseball and run by chumps. ... I'm frustrated and confused right now. I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I want to fight a lot. ... Iowa is so boring to drive through. Wish my brother luck. Although I live in Wisconsin which isn't much better. At least he's playing ball. I'm not. So he wins. ... I was welcomed into a Mexican family the other night and I'm not even with the girl whose family it was. That was unexpected, strange and a little uncomfortable all at the same time. She has a big booty, though. ... If you're a girl and we're not together, don't call to ask for a ride from the bar because you or you and your party is too drunk to drive. I'm not going to do it. The answer is "NO!" ... Sometimes I'd rather sell hardware, dude. ... Sometimes I'd rather be awake at 7 a.m. everyday. ... Have any girls put a martini glass over their breast just to see if it fit? I witnessed this recently. ... Triple June saw an Asian midget working at the gas station. I need rays of sun like that in my life. Preferably daily. ... Kate Perry sucks. So does Lady GaGa. ... How come every time I start to dig a girl, she wilds out? ... I got this baseball catalog the other day in the mail. I've gone through it like 8 times with no intention of buying anything. I just like to look. Is this how girls treat Victoria's Secret books? ... If you put a DUI checkpoint outside of a Taco Bell, that's not even fair. ... Michael Vick plays tonight. I'll watch. ... The Little League World Series is on, too. I'll watch. ... I just sat here watching TV for 2 minutes and when I looked back at the computer screen, I realized I had nothing more to type. ... It's raining. ... I can't go hit. ... I need some cough drops and a gun. ... Listening to the game still. ... Be cool and that means don't be a dick.

Pussy payments...

Listening to Sickfit by Madvillain. ... There are parts of my job that I hate every. single. day. That's why I need to be able to write some words for ME. ... If the good die young, I better learn to be bad. ... All women are crazy. Even you. They just try to keep it in for as long as they can so the person they are trying to fool falls deep enough that it's too late to escape once the crazy surfaces. Men, we just try to get a dick in your mouth or some other hole. ... I just use the mouth for the immediate future. ... I've discovered that if you are a hibitual bad decision maker, you better have some serious qualities to make up for that. LIke eating good pussy or giving head that makes a guy shake. ... On the other hand, some of you young, respectable women need to put some of those cocks down. Jesus. ... Prostitution, on the other hand, isn't so bad. That is a quest for profit. Maybe I've written this before. Still, society deems these women deviants. They are scum because they engage in illegal activities for monitary compensation. ... Drunk bitches at the bar, on the flip side, are completely legal even though they can run through as many motherfuckers in a week as a hooker. That seems backwards. Maybe the girl at the bar takes more pleasure in the sex, but what about the next morning? I bet the prositute is happy to spend that money the next day. So one is pleased and the other isn't on the night in question. But the next day their roles reverse. So who is really the stupid one? ... Women are able to barter and pay for things with their vaginas. ... Pussy costs money. Dick normally doesn't. Mine might. ... Your man is way nastier than you think, girl. He thinks of shit that you'd never imagine going through his head. That's not to say you don't think about it, but you just don't think he thinks about it. He does, though. ... And just because he came with you, that doesn't mean YOU made him cum. ... The next girl Kid Dynamite sees wearing leggings under her denim skirt or dress is getting beat with a latest issue of Vogue. FUCK! ... Just because movie stars and other dumb celebrities wear things doesn't mean they look good. ... Some dude walked into the bar with a duck the other day. On a goddamn leash. ... Car sex is underrated as an adult. Remember how dope that used to be? I know it was usually for lack of a private place that was free, but still, those are good memories. More adults should use that as a way to take a mini vacation. ... I wanted someone to text me dirty things last night. But no one did. ... It's shark week! No one better not say anything bad about shark week. Sharks are cool as shit. Only alligators and crocs can rival them in dopeness. ... I drove from San Diego to Los Angeles and the whole way I remembered why I miss the Pacific time zone. ... Vanessa Hudgins (sic) has more nude pics. I like her more and more and I've never seen High School Musical. ... But she's just more evidence that girls like lame ass guys. ... I found a couple of cool dive bars this week. ... I have hair all over me. I gotta jump in the ocean. ... Listening to The Infamous Date Rape by Tribe. ... Be cool and grow dreads.

As a Tribute to the Notorious B.I.G....

This paper was turned in by an Oakland High school student who received the highest honors
at the school district's ebonics translation competition.

Assignment:
Please translate the following song lyrics from ebonics to standard English.
Artist: Notorious B.I.G.
Album: Ready to Die
Song: One more chance (remix)

Lyrics:
First things first, I poppa, freaks all the honeys Dummies - playboy bunnies, those wantin' money Those the ones I like 'cause they don't get nathan' But penetration, unless it smells like sanitation Garbage, I turn like doorknobs Heart throb, never, black and ugly as ever However, I stay coochied down to the socks Rings and watch filled with rocks
TRANSLATION:
As a general rule, I perform deviant sexual acts with women of all kinds, including but not limited to those with limited intellect, nude magazine models, and whores. I particularly enjoy sexual encounters with the latter group as they are generally disappointed in the fact that they only receive penile intercourse and nothing more, unless of course, they douche on a consistent basis. Although I am extremely unattractive, I am able to engage in these types of sexual acts with some regularity. Perhaps my sexuality is somehow related to my fancy and expensive jewelry.

Lyrics:
And my jam knock in the Mitsubishi Girls pee pee when they see me, Nava-hoes creep me in they tee pee As I lay down laws like I lay carpet Stop it - if you think your gonna make a profit
TRNSL:
I enjoy playing my music loudly on my car stereo. Apparently, women enjoy this also because they become sexually aroused when they see me driving. Oddly enough, when I visit the Native merican reservations, some of the more sexually promiscuous Indian women attempt to seduce me in their homes. Their intent is to divest me of my earnings. Such actions are unacceptable.

Lyrics:
Don't see my ones, don't see my guns - get it Now tell ya friends Poppa hit it then split it In two as I flow with the Junior Mafia I don't know what the hell's stoppin' ya I'm clockin' ya - Versace shades atchin' ya Once ya grin, I'm in game, begin
TRNSL:
Understand this fact: you can have neither my money, nor my weapons. I suggest that you inform your peers that we engaged in violent sexual acts. Currently, I am rapping with my associates, the Junior Mafia. I'm having some difficulty understanding why you refuse to approach me. I am attempting to make eye contact with you through my expensive glasses, and as soon as you respond with a smile, I will approach you.

Lyrics:
First I talk about how I dress and this And diamond necklaces - stretch Lexuses The sex is just immaculate from the back I get Deeper and deeper - help ya reach the Climax that your man can't make Call and tell him you'll be home real late Let's sing the break
TRNSL:
I prefer to open the conversation with light banter about my wardrobe and jewelry, then I like to discuss my collection of expensive cars. This is more than enough to convince you to have sexual intercourse with me. I am able to insert my penis further into you when I enter you from behind. Furthermore, you will be able to reach orgasm. I understand this to be a problem with your current sexual partner. He needn't be concerned about your whereabouts. Please phone him and inform him that you won't be home for a while. By the way, please sing the chorus of the song for me also.

Lyrics:
She's sick of that song on how it's so long Thought he worked his until I handled my biz There I is - major pain like Damon Wayans Low down dirty even like his brother Keenan Schemin' - don't bring your girl 'round me True player for real, ask Puff Daddy
TRNSL:
Your current love interest no longer wishes to hear your fabrications about the length of your member. After I had sexual intercourse with your woman, she became enlightened as to the proper way it is supposed to be performed; violently and immorally. It would be in your best interest to keep your woman away from me as my sexual prowess is very strong. If you are unconvinced, ask Puff Daddy.

Lyrics:
You - ringin' bells with bags from Chanel Baby Benz, traded in your Hyundai Excel Fully equipped, CD changer with the cell She beeped me, meet me at twelve
TRNSL:
Despite the fact that you attempted to win her at her doorstep with bags full of expensive clothes and a car (the lower end model Mercedes Benz which you financed by signing over your current vehicle) containing an expensive stereo and a cellular phone, your woman has contacted me through my pager indicating that we should rendezvous at midnight.

Lyrics:
Where you at? Flippin' jobs, playin' car notes? While I'm swimmin' in ya women like the breast stroke Right stroke, left stroke what's the best stroke Death stroke - tongue all down her throat Nuthin' left to do but send her home to you I'm through - can ya sing the song for me, boo?
TRNSL:
You, on the other hand, jump from job to job, barely able to maintain payments on the Mercedes Benz you purchased for your woman. Meanwhile, I continue to engage in sexual intercourse and commit lewd osculatory acts with your women. My only remaining option is to request that they leave my home and return to you because I have reached orgasm and no longer have a need for their presence.

Lyrics:
So, what's it gonna be? Him or me? We can cruise the world with pearls Gator boots for girls The envy of all women, crushed linen Cartier wrist-wear with diamonds in 'em The finest women I love with a passion Ya man's a wimp, I give that ass a good thrashin'
TRNSL:
The ultimate decision rests with you. Whom do you choose as your sexual partner. I can take you on cruises around the world. I will dress you in the finest jewelry and footwear. You will be envied by women worldwide in your fine clothes and jewelry. There is a special place in my heart for beautiful women. I will defeat your man in an altercation because he is effeminate.

Lyrics:
High fashion - flyin' into all states Sexin' me while your man masturbates Isn't this great? Your flight leaves at eight Her flight lands at nine, my game just rewinds Lyrically I'm supposed to represent I'm not only the client, I'm the player president
TRNSL:
You will be dressed in finest clothes on the runways of Paris. I will fly you to every state to shop for fine clothes and jewelry. You will enjoy sexual intercourse with me and your man will be forced to pleasure himself through manual stimulation. What a life! I'll return you to LaGuardia in time to catch your 8 o'clock flight. The timing is perfect because I have scheduled a date with a second woman who arrives at the same gate at 9 o'clock. I'll seduce her in the same way that I seduced you. I rap well and I am a positive reflection of my hometown. Not only am I a sexually deviant, misogynistic, immoral, wealthy, male prostitute, but I also sit on the board of directors of the organization that governs others of my kind.

Fuck! Shit! Cunt! Motherfucker!!!!...

Listening to Groupie Part 2 by Little Brother. ... A lot of you have been saying I need to write again, so here I go. ... I don't wear skinny jeans and you shouldn't either. Yes, even you. And you, too. ... My iPhone has a rattle. This can't be good for my social or professional life. Is anyone else like me, when they forget their phone they feel weird? Like I keep touching my pockets looking for it, even though I know I left it somewhere else. It's like I'm hoping it will magically appear in my pants if I keep reaching for it. ... I have a bit of a correction to make from a previous blog. I said something like if you're over 25 and are single and have at least two serious relationships in your past, then you might be the problem. I still subscribe to this, but with an alteration: some people are single by choice even with this circumstances. They might just be having fun. ... I'll put this out there, though. I am looking for a girl. ... If I could have dinner with anyone, it would be Grape Ape, Triple June aka Woodgrain, Rickey Henderson, Stephon Marbury and Manny Ramirez. No question about it. My stomach would hurt so bad from laughing. I don't want to even imagine it because I'm getting mad that it probably won't ever happen. I don't think any of those guys is punctual enough to make it to the resstaurant atthe proper time. ... Alex has a move where he is basically hitting on girls as he is unconcious. I've seen this and it looks amazing. And what's even better, it worked! He had sex off that move! ... I got to pack because I'm moving. ... I'm wearing one sandle. I don't know where the other one is right now. It's gotta be somewhere around this motherfucker. ... No, I don't cuss to much. I like how I talk. So, fuck it. ... This whole health care thing is bogus, and that's not hating. All I'm saying is this, there a very good chance that our world economy never bounces back to where it was before this recession/modern day depression. With that said, you could have put a monkey in the white house or an economic/world relations genius and we'd be in the same boat. Obama is in a no-win situation because nothing he does is going to immediately improve what this country is going through. It's funny to me how people are turning on the guy. This isn't his fault. This shit was in the making LOOOOOONG before he even seriously considered running for president. He inherited this. It's like you marrying a girl with an autistic kid, and then her family gets mad at you for not being able to make him into a good football player. ... I don't like it when it's muggy outside. ... Left-handed people are cool. ... Susie Q made me smile. ... They are having this stupid ass air show over the lake. I live on the lake. They start flying these bitches about 8 a.m. I'm not happy. ... I don't care what your opinions on swallowing semen are. I'm telling you that I want a girl who is willing. ... Lil C had two 21st birthday parties, yo. He threw up at both. ... It rains a lot in Pittsburgh. ... I took off the one sandal. ... I don't own any plants. I don't know if that's bad or not. ... And no, I'm not talking about marijuana. ... Tim Tebow can probably get more pussy than anyone and this kid is a virgin!? Really??? What's the fucking point then? ... I like the music and some of hte dancing and the ladies, but I hate the club that inhabits all these things. ... I've never had sex in a movie theater. ... I don't have shampoo that properly takes out cum. Stop asking. ... "Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood." I can't take credit for that one but I had to post it. ... Men have nerve ending on the lower half of their cocks, as well. So stop just putting your mouth over the top of it, please. ... Did Kanye West die yet? ... I know waaaaaay too many bartenders for my well being. ... I want to take a shower so bad. ... My buddy has a comedy show tonight. Need a date. No one here I really wanna take, though. ... They're STILL making Fast N Furious movies? Goddman. ... Stop asking me if I believe in God and what not. Because you probably don't have the time nor really want to know my answer to that question. ... I guess I should start dressing myself. ... For tonight, I mean. Not like in general. ... It never really occured to me that "I thought it was me" by BBD is about having sex with underage girls. I think like it more now. ... FUCK!! ... My iPod won't work anymore. I'm not a detective but from the looks of it, it got smashed in my bag and now it's refusing to turn the fuck on. FUCK! ... I'm done. ... Listening to Misunderstood by Common. ... Be cool and get your nose a little dirty/white.

You're a dummy...

At Wrigley Field listening to people clean. ... I can't wait to be in LA. ... There's too many supercops around me. There's too many cops, period. ... It's supposed to rain today. That would suck. ... I do miss 4th of July with my family. It's been a while since I did that. Years. ... I guess my life could be worse, but it's pretty frustrating right now. ... I cut myself shaving too much. Trying to go too fast. ... This computer might have a fucking virus. ... I ate McDonald's breakfast today. Most of the time when I have to be up so goddamn early, I do that. Otherwise, I don't ever eat breakfast unless it's past midnight. ... Lisa thinks she's smarter than she is. ... I was too smart for my own good with Anna. ... I need a nap. ... I drove two hours after work yesterday back to where I live so I could see The Roots, and I was already tired. So, the girl I was supposed to go with, she's white, shows up like an hour late. The show starts at 10, she gets to my spot at like 10:15. We walk to the place and I let her lead because she's from there, but she fucking gets us lost and there's a mass of people we're trying to fight through just to get to the venue. By the time we get through the gates, I'm pissed off and the show's been going on. Of course, there's no place to stand so we end up waaaay in the back standing on some fucking picinic table with some stupid ass drunk, skinny ass cracker motherfuckers who keep bumping me and all I can think about is how mad I am at this girl for making drive back for this bullshit. That and wanting to knock out a white kid. So I only got to see The Roots for like 45 minutes. ... I saw Talib Kweli the other night, too. But I only saw about an hour of his shit because of work. ... I think I'm still mad about that Roots shit. ... So my boy took me to the strip club to make me feel better and that girl walked her ass home alone because she couldn't find her other friends. I laughed a little. ... I wish I could go to Rock the Bells. ... Over the last two months, I've met way too many girls who think they are intelligent. They've overshot their marks. ... Dance teachers don't make shit, so don't tell me "don't talk like you know," because I know. I was with a dance teacher for close to four years. ... This is what I mean when I say people need to think before they speak. If you don't know something for sure, ask, get an answer AND THEN form your opinion. Don't just make a blanket statement based on your faggot ass assumptions. Because most of the time you're wrong, especially about me. I don't let you in because you're dumb. So that's why you can't read me. Because I don't want you to. ... I want some money. And tacos. ... Flight's to Pittsburgh are expensive. ... Two Compton girls running the All England Club. ... The NBA is shaping up to be interesting next season. ... I like Ron Artest. So Gutter. ... Manny's back. ... No good Salsa clubs around my way. A good one in Chicago, though. ... I want the beach. A little more than a week before I can get drunk and fly kites on the sand. ... No one in my life makes me say, "Yeah, I can see it happening with her." And by "it," I mean sex. ... I don't play fantasy sports. I live in reality, usually. ... I need more Marriott points. ... I have The Art of Storytelling in my head today. ... I love - LOVE - when girls rub my head. ... Yo, I want to go to bed. ... Bye.

Who will do the sweepstakes now?...

Listening to 9th Wonder. ... I don't like humidity. ... I'm already tired of tennis. It's boring now. And didn't they just have a major like a week ago? ... Maybe the Latina was the way to go after all. ... All I can think about today is what if I never woulda moved. ... It bothers me that I can't remember a goddamn thing from that blog that got deleted. I'm sure there was something decent in there. ... My sister had Polly Pockets. ... My new drinking buddy is cool as shit out here. Plus he has loot. ... I've been to the strip club twice in two weeks or so. They really like me even though I don't spend any money. No, really. They do. ... Ed McMahon died. He had big ass glasses and gave away money. ... So I guess a lot of people don't like The Hangover. I did. I also liked that one with Denzel and John Travolta. That was quality material. But neither can hang with Willow. Anything with a midget in it is infinitely better. ... I used to ghostwrite "about me" sections for people on MySpace. I shoulda got paid for that. ... Running is for suckas and Africans. ... I'm nervous and anxious. ... Also, I've been mad at myself lately. ... I still think about her. I still miss her. ... Wanna play catch? ... I'm hot. I want to go swimming. ... Newborns aren't cute. None of them are. I don't care what you say because if they weren't related to you or your friend's baby, you'd say they were ugly, too. ... I like bikini weather. ... Manny Ramirez is almost back. ... The 4th of July might suck for me. ... All this Obama bashing needs to be rested for a little while. One, he's not making all the decisions. Two, he doesn't even have HALF a year on the job. We gave the other guy eight years. Three, none of you could do any better. And before you say you aren't running for president, you didn't apply for your boss' job either but I'm sure you bitch about him and think you could run whatever the fuck you do more effectively. Four, like McCain would be any better off right now? I mean, that party chose Palin as a running mate. ... I hate junk mail. ... Who let that "stanky leg" song on the radio? ... Let the kids be kids. ... Listening to The Mayor by Pacific Division. ... Be cool cuz I'm not.

I quit...

I just wrote a blog and it got completely erased. Good day. Fuck.

So pissed off...

My iPhone decided to be a bitch and mysteriosly delete EVERY LAST ONE OF MY CONTACTS. So as result, every last one of my contacts has been deleted. FUCK. So if you read this, shoot me your number in a text or IM or something like this. Now, excuse me while I jump the fuck out of this window feet first with my phone taped to the bottom of my shoes. ... Oh yeah, I'll be in the Bay next week. ... GODDAMMIT!

You can grow up anytime now...

Listening to La Rhumba by RZA, Method Man and Killa Sin. ... I got a lot on my mind but I don't know if I feel like putting it all down right now. ... Girls need to learn how to talk shit out and not form their own judgements based on ill-informed theories they have about the other people or their intentions. You just end up making yourself look immature and foolish. You can call yourself a grown person and an adult all you want, but until you're capable or recognizing your inabilities and being rational about things, you don't stand a chance in a relationship. I once wrote, not too long ago, that if you're over the age of 25, man or woman, and have had at least two serious relationships, you're probably part of the problem. I wouldn't put myself beyond that category, either. But I've definitely learned from mistakes I've made as well as from the mistakes made by others. Until you can do that, good luck with your pocket rocket and battery supply, yo. Maybe the Latin girl was the way to go afterall. ... Funny how one goes and another replaces. ... Something is cool about artwork on your neck. ... My fingers are cold. I don't know how much longer I can type. ... We just trying to party, holmes. ... In my pants pockets: Coach money clip with two credit cards and three IDs, cherry Carmex stick, 55 cents, keys, $31, dirt. ... Sloppy people piss me off. Get your game right once in a while. Do something different with your life. ... White guys love cargo shorts, flip flops and either a dingy retro t-shirt or a golf shirt. I hate that. ... Whatever happened to AZ? ... Juice isn't bad for you if it's real juice. ... I disguise my ghetto well. So don't make it surface. ... I decided I like girls who ride horses. ... I'm done with this today. ... Listening to Life's A Bitch by Nas. Pure coincidence. ... Be cool and ditch school.

Cartoons fucking rock...

Listening to Axis: Bold as Love by Jimi Hendrix. ... Palo Alto is now seen in a whole new light for more than one reason. ... Right now, I really want to fight someone, but he's a senior citizen. It's an easy win but that's not even why. No one acts like I'm their kid except my parents. ... I got too many clothes and not enough closets. ... I got to stop drinking soda, man. It's killing me. ... I backtracked on that tattoo thing. ... I want a haircut. ... That 70's Show comes on A LOT. ... If you don't have the Boomerang channel, step up your cable game. ... I want to go swimming again. ... And make out with someone. ... I haven't played ball in a long ass time. Motherfuckers around here ain't that good anyway. ... Whoever said life is short musta had non-stop pussy, a lot of money, no job and good weather. Otherwise, that shit is bogus. ... I don't drink Red Bull, Monster, Rockstar or coffee. Kill that noise. ... Stop smoking cigarettes. That shit is gross. I probably wrote that before. ... The sex blogs have taken on new life. ... I'm in Jeff and Darcy's wedding. I think Alex is my plus-one. ... If you read this stuff, don't do it to find out about me or what's going on in my life. Just read it for entertainment or inspiration to write your own shit. And if you don't have a place to stick it, just email it to me and I'll post it up with your name. But again, don't try to read between these lines or assume shit or figure anything out other than what is EXACTLY written. Otherwise you look like a damn fool. This is written with a murky tone for a reason. I'm not stupid. I know what I'm doing, yo. ... Alex just told me that if I get him tanked enough, he might put out. Dope. ... No sex in a while. ... Woodgrain threw up in the club recently. Not once, but twice. Hilarity ensued. Then I danced with Lisa. ... Speaking of that, her friend said I should be her baby's father. And her other friend, who is engaged, told me "my pussy is tight. Is that OK?" ... Why would a girl think that after we've seen each other naked and she's already flipped out about something that was none of her business, that we could just be platonic friends? Idiocy. ... I gotta go. I think I'm gonna drink tonight and watch the Lakers. ... Listening to Wait by the Ying Yang Twins. ... Be cool and boy shorts are nice.

I like bracelets...

Listening to Dave Chappelle being Rick James on a Talib Kweli mixtape. ... I like orange chicken. Who doesn't, I guess. It's the easy thing to get when you order Chinese food. It's kinda hard to fuck that up. ... I've learned this living in different parts of the country: Not all Chinese food is the same. It's very different in Texas, California, Illinois and the East Coast. Dishes aren't cooked the same way. Pan fried noodles are very different depending on what region of the country you get them in. ... The Cavaliers look good. The Lakers look like trash. ... My vacuum sucks so bad. It don't pick up shit. I think it leaves more stuff on the ground than there was when I turned that bitch on! ... I don't understand girls who don't like sneakers. There's more in this life than heels and slip-ons, yo. ... They say the first thing a girl notices on a guy is his shoes. Well, if a girl can wear some fresh sneakers, and not have them looking ghetto as fuck, that goes a long way to making me want to make out with you. ... Don't have a Bob Marley poster or t-shirt if you've never heard his music. Just because you smoke weed doesn't mean you should have that stuff without knowing his shit. ... Ricky Hatton should stop taking big fights. ... Yeah, I still like Asian girls. But I haven't met a cool one in a while. ... If you watch The Hills, stop reading my blog, stop talking to me if I know you and stop living your life through people on a "reality show" (that shit isn't a reality show, btw). ... I shouldn't have to tell you I want head. Also, no guy wants to hear "I only do it if I'm really close to somebody or if he's my boyfriend." Serious? Grow up a little, especially if you're saying that when you're already willing to get naked and have someone go down on you. Selfish ass bitches. ... Oh yeah, get over it and swallow. ... I slept until 2:35 p.m. today. ... Alex falls asleep DURING sex. Stephen throws up on girls DURING sex. Both of those things are hilarious to me. ... If you meet a cool guy older than 25 you should try to stay away from asking "why is a guy like you still single?" All that is is a death wish because sooner or later, you'll find out. Also, if you're in the same age group and single, there's probably something wrong with you, too. ... Don't get married just because you think it's that time in your life. ... Too many people are afraid of being single. It's not that bad of a life, especially when monogomy isn't natural. You really think we're the only species on this planet predisposed to being with one person for our entire lives? I'm not saying it's not possible, I'm saying it's unnatural. ... I don't think every person has one person out there for them. I think they have several, probably hundreds or thousands. The trick is finding that person. If everyone was with who they were "supposed" to be with, we wouldn't have a 60% divorce rate in THIS country. In other countries where sex is far less taboo and the cultures are more open about it, the divorce rate is lower. If you don't believe me, you should actually try doing something different with your life and read a little bit. ... I judged a pole dancing contest recently. It was bogus. ... Guys have candles too. That's not just a girl thing. ... Just because you like someone you can't have, don't keep your friend from having them. Selfish. ... Girls want a "soldier" until he acts like a "soldier" on them. ... This tattoo thing is probably going to happen. ... I don't really like girls who drink beer. ... Actually, I don't really like girls who drink ONLY beer. ... Naked pictures of Rhianna. I was telling people that was the next episode in this drama about two months ago. I don't think I wrote it, but it was sort of a guess and it turned out to be right. Nice. That girl has ass. I can't hate that. And I am and I'm am not a fan of pierced nipples. ... It's hard for me to say no to nice people. ... A battle ain't a battle if your snake don't rattle. ... OH! I have a good little diddy from my recent past. Don't start talking to a guy, whether he's a new one or an old one, when you KNOW you're still trying to "work things out" with an ex. That definitely deserves a fucking sock in the chin. ... The NBA playoffs are so boring right now. ... Baseball is king. Maybe we gotta get over it because the playing field was a lot more level than anyone is willing to admit. ... I'm through wondering who thinks what and when she might email me. ... Few things are a better time than a good wedding reception or a night of drinking at my godmother's house with family and my boys. I really dig that my people like almost all of my family. Alcohol will make people closer, that's for sure. ... Hey, girl ... hey! ... Yo ... Girl! ... What's your name? ... Amanda made me some bracelets. That was very nice cuz I didn't even ask. ... I'll be home in less than a week. ... My family issues are so stupid. ... People have to learn to let certain things go and that some shit is just not worth worrying or being upset or pissed off about. Really, you'll be happier whenever this is learned. You live with more tranquility. ... Even black people are embarassed by the outrage of the black community in regards to fried chicken places running out of fried chicken. ... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VBflm_S61Wg ... That picture below made me really happy until I found out it was digitally enhanced. ... Be careful when you let the liqour do your thinking. ... Did that dude from Jon and Kate plus 8 cheat on his white woman? ... I don't know if there's going to be a more scrutinized president after four years than our current one. ... He's not to blame for the swine flu, I don't think. Although, I can't be certain. ... My mentors always tell me "don't give them ammunition for when they criticize you. They're going to do it no matter what, so just don't give them any reason to." That's too bad. ... Yeah, and you probably think strippers like you, too, huh? ... I'd spend money on you if I liked you. Until then, you can buy your own shit. ... No, I don't have sex. Right now. ... If you don't have kids and you're single (single means not married or engaged) drink, smoke, party your ass off. ... I never had a girlfriend the color of flour. ... You don't want to be inside my head. ... Ice, vanilla ice cream, chocolate quick, a banana, cinnamon, a blender. ... I don't give a fuck who your cousin or best friend used to fuck. ... Aubrey is cool because she says "nitwit." That's like me saying bogus. ... If you got something to say, I'll post it. It really doesn't matter what's on your mind. ... Name the last time you saw something music related on MTV. ... I'll wait. ... I don't like the name "Nick." Nicholas is cool though. ... Don't get upset if I don't answer your call. Just don't leave me a voicemail unless it'll make me laugh. ... I got to go now. Listening to Xzbibit with Fishbone. Be cool and don't put bumper stickers on your car.

Fuck your wall (I'm back)...

Listening to pass out by Tha Alkoholiks. ... This music fits my current lifestyle. I used to not drink on the West Coast. But now, I've learned it's not so bad. ... Also, Woodgrain said smoking weed is a sign of maturity in an adult. I think there's something to that. ... There are people in my life that are definitely cruising for a bruising. ... Fuck a dozen roses. ... Don't find me. Don't follow me. ... For everyone who showed some support the last week and a half, I appreciate it. For those of you offended that I didn't tell you what was going on, get the fuck off your own nuts. How selfish are you that you want to be upset that I didn't share something extremely personal with you, and then bitch about it? Just because you weren't told what happend doesn't mean you aren't cool with me, it just means you aren't one of my three best friends in the world that I've known since before I had pubic hair. Go cry in the corner, kid. ... I'm not Sean Paul. I don't need a light. ... I like living in the dark. No one can see what you're doing that way. People who need light just want to be seen and pretend their famous in whatever circle they run in. Why else would you have a bottle party in Fresno? ... Kelis is leaving Nas? Ouch. ... Look, if you can't laugh at most of the things that happen in your life, you'll be miserable and no one will want to hang out with you except people who are also miserable and want someone to feel their faux pain. Those people just want comfort in knowing other people hate things the way they do. ... It's hard for me to be serious around people I actually like. I joke around a lot, if you don't know. And if you don't know, it's obviously because I don't like you. ... Shit is going to happen in your life and maybe it'll be bad at the time, but if you can't lighten yourself enough to eventually chuckle at it, then what good is living? Just swallow some pills. And by "pills" I mean a bullet. ... Whatever is beneath the surface shouldn't be so hard to get to. Saying you're "gaurded" is an excuse to not get close to anyone for reasons only you know, and that wall doesn't make it hard to do. It just means you aren't letting yourself and that's the reason you choose to give instead of being a grown person and just saying "I don't want to get too close." ... Everyone has cheated or been cheated on or had a bad relationship or had a good one that ended badly, or whatever. We all have stories, you're not the only one. If you can never get over those experiences and just use them to build your character, then don't bother with anyone else. It's not fair to other people when you don't start them with a clean slate because of something someone else, who they have no idea exists, did to you. ... Girls of my life can say what they want, but I'm naming my first son and deciding on his hair style. Not you. ... The worst thing you can do is assume things without knowing for sure. You might miss out on something cool. ... I don't have clothes on. ... Four pairs of jeans are scattered in my living room. ... This is why crushes are nice: Because they're still far enough away that you don't know everything about the person except for what you like. That's the coolest feeling, yo. She's perfect at that time. She's smart. She's not annoying. She doesn't expect anything of you. Both of you know there's an attraction but neither person acts on it for fear of fucking up the mystery. And it makes sense, because why turn that person into a carbon copy of something you've already had? I have someone like that in my life right now. If I lived closer it might be more than a crush. ... Sitting on airplanes every week gives me time to think. ... This Bulls-Celtics thing is ridiculous. ... I'm not getting married in a church. ... I might not get married. ... I like fruit. I should eat more of it. ... I hope I don't get the swine flu. What if they discovered the cure for that was eating bacon? That would be funny to me. ... Part of me wants a girl who plays softball. But I've been there already. I don't think it's for me. ... Don't spill shit on my rug even if it's already stained. Bitch. ... I wanna go out tonight. I've been having success doing that. ... Why does Los Angeles and San Francisco close at 2 a.m.? ... I've never been sprayed with mace. ... If your girl is from my area, she probably already knows me. ... Whatever you got for me, I can handle. ... "You've got to be fucking kidding me." I like to say that. ... Go west like Kanye. ... I can't drink Henny anymore. It taste too syrupy now. ... Pass the asprin. ... I'm about to dash. ... Listening to Half Day Closing by Portishead. ... Be cool and I really mean that. Don't be a jerk unless someone deserves it.

I don't know...

I just found out some real ill news and I might not be posting anything for a while. Just kinda don't feel like writing. I don't think it would make me feel better ... at least not right now. Feel free to email me something to put up, but other than that, you might not see many updates for the next little while.

Be cool.

I hate making Kool Aid...

Listening to Georgia by Ray Charles. ... I miss not having to work. ... I miss the days when I didn't have a cell phone and people just got in touch with me however they got in touch with me. I don't even remember anymore. ... I miss my grandma. She used to make me a tortilla and rub a stick of butter on it and wrap it up like a burrito. I miss her laugh cuz she used to snort when we'd crack her up. ... I miss playing home run derby in our front yard, me and my brother throwing tennis balls against the house. Our dad would let us do that all night, but my mom would get pissed cuz it would be loud inside the house, I guess. ... I miss being able to wear a hat every day. ... I miss putting on cleats every day. ... I miss making my brother make Kool Aid cuz was too lazy to do it. ... I miss having friends at my house even though I wasn't threre. ... I miss getting my uniform ready on game days. ... I miss being able to fight and not having to worry about going to jail. ... I miss sleeping on Alex's couch for weeks at a time because I had nothing else better to do. ... I miss talking to Leeann like 3 times a day. ... I miss Janelle coming and sitting on my bed to talk about dumb shit. ... I don't miss Tiffany and that's nice. ... I don't miss high school. ... I don't miss the people either, so I don't ask me to go to a reunion. All the people I want to talk to, I haven't lost contact with. ... I miss the days when I didn't like or worry about girls. A lot less headaches and a lot more free time. ... I miss the days without text messages. ... I miss hearing her call me "babe." ... I miss my mom's cooking. ... I miss when the WWF was fun to watch and all the guys either drank all the time or were on juice. ... I miss when you couldn't wait for the next Wu-Tang person to release an album. ... I miss dancng at weddings, and despite what the preconceived notion might be, I do dance. ... I miss my hot tub. ... I miss going to different cities every summer and teaching journalism classes. ... I already miss the "switch." Yes, that was for you. ... I miss when Larenz Tate was making movies. ... I miss when Ice Cube was a good rapper. ... I miss Los Angeles and the Bay. ... I miss pool parties bartended by my dad. He used to get the girls drunk for us. And Art used to not be able to close the deal with the girl and Alex and Gabe would laugh at him. ... You know what your problem is? You have no game. ... I miss girls with short shorts and pony tails. ... I miss when the Oakland A's were good, even if they're not my favorite team. ... I miss when cartoons used to be good besides the ones on AS. ... I always miss having my hair cut when it's like 2 weeks long. ... I also miss not having to worry about getting haircuts. ... I miss picking you up from the airport. ... I miss my Nissan. ... I miss my friends working at pizza places and getting free shit. ... I don't miss 100-plus degrees. ... I don't miss my parents screaming at each other. ... I miss not writing this blog. ... Listening to Other Side of the Game by Badu. ... Be cool and miss the kid.

Pizza, Celeste and Asians...

Listening to Xzibit. The first one, not that other bullshit the attempted to pass off as decent music. ... I don't know who T is but wetness can be fantastic. ... So just because you're from a bogus ass podunk town in the middle of a fucking orchard and surrounded by dirt and littered with the remnants of dirtiness doesn't give you the right to be a motherfucking lunatic. You're not that fine to be opening your mouth like your intelligent or to be disrespecting people in a vehicle that doesn't belong to you and when you're drunk ass is receiving a ride in a city you don't know from the any other in the country. Bitches ... yes, bitches ... who act as such are liable to be socked in the eyeball and/or be felt up by my drunk friends. Because basically, you're asking to be treated like just another jumpoff when you decide you wanna be high and mighty and act like your nose belongs in the air. Bluntly, if my FATHER wasn't driving, you woulda had your skinny ass left in downtown San Francisco at 2:30 in the morning, leaving you completely open to be accosted by homeless men. ... With all that being said, I think I had one of the dopest nights of my life that same night. I've been sworn to secrecy on some of the events of the evening, but I will say that no one should be afraid to throw up at 4 a.m. on a massage therapist who is fresh off the boat from Vietnam or Korea or the Phillipines or wherever the fuck else people with those skills come from. ... Pizza by the slice can save the day. ... Celeste ... hmmmm ... not sure where to go with that. I had a lot of fun, though. ... Sometimes it's better to leave things untold to the rest of the inquiring public. ... Alex played the nice guy role to perfection. ... I'm surprised no one lost their phone. That seems to be one of the things that usually happens when the drunk nights happen. ... Sometimes people are quiet because they observe everything you do. And sometimes those same people are not judgemental enough to form snap opinions about you. But sometimes, you do shit enough times that it becomes just who you are and not that person forming a judgement based on a night or two. And sometimes, just sometimes, that person who is observing is smart enough to realize that that is who you are, not an annomoly or freak occurance. So don't get pissy when they call you on it, kid. ... Being drunk is fine. Being sloppy and not being able to stand is stupid. ... A girl told me this yesterday ... "When I call, you answer. Period." ... Amber lagged. ... If you seriously can't tell me what's going on in the world we live in, that's selfish. Your news isn't the only news that matters, especially when we're in a depression and people are losing their jobs. Without being able to read the writing on the wall, you're bound to be blindsided. ... I'll be in Houston soon. ... I'll be in Dallas soon after. ... I can't wait to be back in Phoenix. ... I can't wait to be back in the Bay. ... I can't wait to be back with my dudes. ... I'm done now. ... Listening to something off Mike Cameron's iPod. ... Be cool and look in the mirror.

Wetness...

Listening to MF Doom. ... Rainouts suck. ... Twitter sucks. ... MySpace sucks. ... Facebook is the same thing despite you trying to defend it as something more "classy" and "mature" and "not as ghetto." ... Bullshit. ... Good day, bitches.

Don't waste my time...

Listening to something white people probably listen to, so I don't know what it is. ... Anyway, do NOT send me pictures on my phone of things unless you KNOW I'm interested in them. And I'm only interested in naked pictures of real people, not shit that's been forwarded 4,000 times, and hilarioud things you captured with your phone. Again, not something forwarded since 2005. I don't want to see a picture of your cat, your nephew, a joke, or anything other than something you know I want. ... Also, this is amusing ... http://www.atom.com/funny_videos/white_problems/?brand=gorilla. ... That is all. Peace and chicken grease.

This is stupid now...

I need a life change...

Telling time is for suckas...

Listening to On Our Own by Bobby Brown. It's dope to death. ... I'm falling asleep. ... Someone told me I could pour a Slurpee, I assume of a flavor of my own choice, down the crack of their ass and drink it. ... I saw a North Dakota license plate. I don't think I've ever seen one before that. ... Stephen wants to be a porn star. ... Chris turned 21 and chaos ensued. He ate fruit out of a real porn star's vagina, got two lap dances from an Asian stripper with a tank, got fall-down drunk, threw up so much his soul escaped his body and he will forever be a member of the Tank City City Council and recalled none of it the next day. ... Ms. Mills can get it. ... I don't like Las Vegas. It's for people doing things in excess. That's not me. I like steak and mashed patatoes and tequila on ice. So I don't need clubs to charge me $40 to go inside and buy $16 drinks. ... Does anyone else find it interesting or ironic that Christianity follows a man who was Jewish? Or that it follows a book written by a man who added and subtracted parts of the original as he saw fit? ... And there's my problem with religion. It's not real. It is man-made and skewed. I'm not saying the people within the pages don't exist because who the fuck really knows? What I'm saying is people will believe whatever they are conditioned to. If you are currently a straight up Catholic, but let's say you grew up Buddhist. Would you have the forsight to seek out a Bible and read it and be convinced to change religions? Think about that while I marinate this kitty. ... There should be a free hard-core porn channel. ... Girls who don't wear panties are my friends. ... Rhianna might be on heroin. I might have written that before. ... Give Chris Brown credit. He smacked her up to the point where she lost conciousness but still loves the kid. Now that's dedication. ... I've learned how to not let small fights escalate. I now am more capable of shutting them off before they go too far. And I've learned to swallow my pride and be the bigger person/adult. That's taxing. ... Speaking of taxes, do yours. And if you don't, I don't care. Just don't call me from jail because I don't like when people call me from jail. Only prison. Cuz then you did something I can probably respect. ... Egotastic is a good site. ... Me and Alex are planning on getting fucked up in less than two weeks. ... If newspapers are extinct in three years, will anyone under the age of 30 even care? ... I've defended Kim Kardashian a lot, but fuck, she makes it harder and harder. ... http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:131849 ... Skeet, skeet, skeet. ... I have trouble telling time with the little hand and big hand. ... I'm left-handed. ... Why would I care if you took pictures at the club the other night if there isn't any nudity in them or you're not trying to show me you want to hook me up with? ... One of my good friends just got divorce papers. This could be a good thing. ... I don't feel like tipping people anymore. When did this all start anyway? ... I feel like eating a Kit Kat. ... Talk slick and I'll beat you right. ... I get obsessed with UPS tracking numbers. ... Listening to Down and Out by Cam'ron. ... Be cool and don't push people into swimming pools unless they provoke such actions.

I don't care about you...

I'm writing this once so that it doesn't get mistaken. This group doesn't write to make people happy, smile, frown, laugh, cry, horny or angry. It is musings and observations and rants, and I personally don't really give a fuck what you agree with, disagree with or react in any way to. I don't write to spare feelings. I don't write to please anyone. I write from an honest perspective, and I'm me and not you. So my thoughts are mine. I understand that some of the things written below are bound to piss people off, but keep that shit to yourself because it's not going to make me stop. I don't care if you cringe when you read it. If I did, I'd have a filter. If you want to stop reading, I don't care. I don't measure success by how big my audience is, no one should. I can't speak for the other people on here, but I write as a release. You read for your own reasons, which I don't care about. So if you wanna tell me something that can spark a conversation, I can be OK with that ... sometimes. If you want to hit me to try to change my mind about something I've written, don't bother. Peace.

Licorice is delicious (not black)...

Listening to Fetus by Nas. ... Barack Obama sitting at a basketball game with a brew in his hand was a great site. No one knows if he'll be a good president or if this bailout is a waste of money, but people like him because they see themselves in him. Everyone can relate to this. At the end of what was probably a long day, he went to a game and had a beer. And he's not afraid to be that way, which is probably more attractive than anything he's done besides inspire people to vote at the very least. ... Can you learn to have rhythm? I don't think so. ... Young people shouldn't drink coffee or smoke. ... Stop me if you heard this before. Girls are stupid. They are the only thing that inspires writing regularly (not today). ... Work and stupid people, not girls, just inspire me to bitch at living individuals, not pound a keyboard. ... Someone told me to be careful what you wish for. Shut up, bitch. ... It's bad to react strongly, good or bad, to a situation you aren't totally aware of. You only end up hurting said situation and damaging it. ... Red Vines taste good. ... Chris Brown knows how to apologize. I know don't know why I didn't think of swimming with bitches in bikinis after I beat my girl. She would have forgiven me, no doubt. ... Newspapers have no chance. ... Kanye West just keeps saying dumb shit. http://www.wwtdd.com/post.phtml?pk=20291 ... Why is Miley Cyrus jogging in a bikini, denim shorts and skater shoes? Fucking moron. ... Manny ... FINALLY! ... How young is too young of a person to date? What's the acceptable age gap? Not that I would listen to you people, but I'm just curious. Call it a surveying inquiry. ... I keep forgetting how hot Megan Fox is. When a girl isn't really what I normally am attracted to but I say she's fly, she must be fly to me. ... I'm going to choke an old ass cracker soon. ... Why does ESPN have rappers doing sports analysis? ... Jamie Fox gots this "Blame it on the alcohol" joint. It's hilarious and one of the worst songs of the year so far, but I'm sure people will run to the dance floor when it hits. I may put it on my iPod just to see if girls really will lift their skirts upon hearing it. And why is Ron Howard and a random panda bear in the video? ... I'm going back and forth on where girls kissing girls is hot. A drunken makeout is kinda whatever. But a nice, good, passionate kiss can keep me watching ... somtimes. I just don't think it does a whole lot for me. I mean, it does something, it just doesn't make me hard immediately. ... Let me touch your butt, girl. It won't hurt. ... I'm doing a buck-40 hydroplaning. ... If you're not Manny Ramirez or from the Bay or Haitian or Jamaican, stoping growing dreads. ... No panties is hot. If she keeps it up, I might wife her. ... If you want to judge me based on this blog and not on what you've gotten to know about me, you aren't allowed to call yourself open minded. ... I don't wanna hear that you just saw someone who looks "exactly like" me. No one wants to know that. ... And speaking of shit I don't want to hear, I do NOT want to keep getting updates about my ex-girlfriend. Like I give a fuck. All it does is make me mad at the person giving the update. It has no bearing on what I do in my life or what I think of her, but it could change what I think of the person spreading the news. ... Not much sucks more than being around a person who doesn't know how to shut the fuck up or one who complains constantly. ... I don't like traveling but I like being in different places. ... I like being with girls. But I usually like being with my boys a lot more. ... You should be careful what you dare me to do. Because you might just be talking shit and if I know you are, chances are I'll call your bluff. So if you ain't prepared for that, check your tone. ... I'll admit, if I don't answer your text message within like 10 minutes, I probably don't want to talk to you. ... Listening to Ital by The Roots, who are the best part of the new late, late show or whatever it's called. ... Be cool and put on lotion if you're ashy because no one likes ashy people.

You can live without Pepsi and beer...

I'm giving up drinking out of plastic bottles for Lent because it's just as retarded as some of the other shit you people have told me you're "sacrificing" for this religious period of time.

Because I need money...

I'm going to start selling crack rocks.

Maybe so...

Listening to There is a Way by Mighty Mos Def. ... I had to read Chris for inspiration. He says he's a martian. Maybe I am, too. That would explain certain things. ... That doesn't mean my dick is green, either. Get your head out of the gutter. ... I feel lonely. ... All that's on my brain is brain. ... My head is filled with images of head. ... I'm simple and plain. But get to talking to me and my complexity could make you fuckng bug, wanna punch me, wanna fuck me, wanna never speak to me, wanna know more or all of the above, kid. ... Sometimes I get fooled into thinking someone is mature enough to handle something then after I put it out there, I am sadly mistaken because they aren't. Then I'm in a no-win situation. ... More people than not are morons. ... Come fight me then, bitch. ... I don't like sharing a car. ... I like sharing my thoughts with written words. ... I don't feel comfortable all the time sharing them verbally. ... I live on a golf course right now. ... T.I. gets a show because he's going to jail 45 days from now? What the fuck has this goddamn society stooped to when we give criminals reality shows and don't pass them off as criminals? This motherfucker had machine guns in his spot like he was ready to be deployed to Iraq and all this. No one needs guns like that, but he still gets a show. MTV is what is wrong with people between the ages of 14-40. No doubt in my mind. ... Celeste needs to not be listing to Soulja Boy right about now. ... Why in the fuck do these girls ALWAYS think the same thing, like all I do is fuck different hoes at will. If I had my pick like that, I'd have a girl, yo. ... Let's clear something up now, even if only 3 people read this motherfucker. I don't have sex right now. Period. I don't. I haven't been for a while. Long story short: I broke up with a girl a long time ago, thought fucking other people would help me get through that. I didn't. I realized that and said I wouldn't be a hoe. I slipped once or twice. I got my head right and stopped having sex unless I was actually with the girl or thought I would be with her eventually. And anyone who knows me knows I don't think I'll be with every girl who throws her pussy in my face. So, no, I don't fuck everything that moves. Yes, I have options. No, I don't cash them all in. Yes, I write about sex. Yes, I have experienced it. Yes, I'll take the label as someone who has done some things. No, I won't take the one that says I've done them with a football stadium worth of bitches. ... But yes, your girl probably gets giddy when my name or web site comes up. ... If people assume one more ridiculous thing about me and I hear about it, it's time to crack some mirrors with screams. ... I like a girl who moans loudly or talks dirty. ... Almost instantly when the second of those two happens. ... I'm a grown up with little boy tendencies. ... I don't like mayonaise. ... I like carrots if they are soft, but not like baby food. That's gross. ... I don't like flaming hot Funyuns or anything else besides Cheetos. ... I like condoms. ... I don't like flavored condoms because I don't want it deep throated with a baggy over it. What's the point? ... I want A. I miss her. ... I want Z. She found the kid. ... How is The Rock still making movies? ... www.fleshbot.com. Not at work. ... I don't want your hair to be hard. ... I don't want your hair to have roots that are a different color. ... Let your man decide how your pubic hair should look. ... I have seen Paris Hilton's breasts in person. No lie. For some reason watching an NBA highlight reminded me of that. Probably because it happened during All-Star Weekend a few years back. They aren't that great and she's not that pretty. ... This blog isn't meant to make readers happy. I'm not totally sure what it is meant for, but I know it's not that. So if you don't like it, don't send me a text message about it. Just suck it up because I could give a fuck about how you took it. ... Stop being spoiled. ... Stop assuming I'M the lucky one if we ever are naked together. ... That sounds cocky to you, huh? Go fly a kite. ... I'll punch you in the grill. ... I used to have a grill and I lost it. Obviously it was fake. ... I know that 2 plus 2 equals four. ... I'll let my kids listen to the music I listen to. ... I'll also cuss in front of them. Not like all the time, I'll try to watch my mouth, but until they pay my rent, I'll talk how I want. ... I don't know yet if I can spank them. But when I do, they'll really know they fucked up. Hopefully the girl will be more willing to hit that ass on a regular basis. ... If you're a newcomer, check "A must read..." It's somewhere in the first month of this blog's birth. Someone recently read that for the first time and had a nice reaction to it. ... I don't want you to call. I want her to call. ... I've had some memorable rides home from airports. ... I have gotten head in a church parking lot. I didn't know it was a church parking lot until later. ... I have gone down on someone while they sat on the trunk of their car, which was parked on the street. ... Go ahead and judge me. Everyone else seems to do it. ... Don't break my heart. It hurts. ... I'll try not to break yours. ... Just because you're a minority with money who listens to hip-hop music doesn't mean you NEED a chain. ... I don't care what your roommate thinks. I'll kick that bitch in the temple. ... That last comment was randomness at it's epitomy because I'm not mad at anyone's female roommate. ... If you're too uptight to tell someone who you voted for, you might be boring at having sex. ... I know, girl. Everytime you think you found a husband, he gets spotted at the club talking to another chick. ... Maybe stop meeting guys who hang out in clubs. ... Maybe stop meeting me. ... Maybe I'll be happier. ... Maybe learn to shut the fuck up once in a while. ... Maybe have a career. ... Maybe don't have a baby's father on the side. ... Maybe stop making me crazy. ... Maybe I should quit my gig. ... Maybe I'm pissed because my dad's employers are stupid. ... Maybe I'm mad because my dad used to be stupid. ... Maybe I'm mad because I just wrote that last sentence and I choked up. ... Maybe I'm mad at myself for doing something I should have thought twice about doing, but I only thought once and now someone is hurt. ... Maybe you can say no when I can feel you quiver when I kiss your neck. ... Maybe I should quit this blog. ... Maybe I should stop writing. ... Maybe I'm listening to Break You Off by The Roots. ... Maybe I should stop buying so many shoes. ... Maybe I should accept life as it comes. ... Maybe that was the dumbest thing I've ever written. ... Maybe I'm ghost. ... Maybe you should be cool because maybe, just maybe, the planet needs more cool souls.

I missed this place for a reason or two...

Listening to this new Lilly Allen album. ... I'm in a better climate now and playing some ball. ... It seems Amber's blog was kind of a hit with the guys from the feedback I received. ... For some reason, religion has been a topic lately. Drop it. ... I'm drinking pineapple juice right now. That has a different meaning for some people I know that others. ... Phoenix reminds me of one night in particular. Only one person knows what night that is. ... Actually, it reminds me of a few nights, but those other ones I barely remember because Alex was in town, and blackouts ensued. ... Some people deserve to have their mouths wired shut. ... I don't want to work. ... Long distance booty calls? That works. ... Sex has been on my mind more than usual. ... Sex in different places, too. ... There is someone out there in the world that I want to see as soon as possible. ... I like the sound of keys on a computer keyboard being struck. It gives me the feeling of someone accomplishing something. ... OK, here is what the fuck I am sick of: People who are on Facebook and MySpace having this gay ass beef with each other because they think one is better than the other. Look, they are the same fucking thing, they serve the same fucking purpose and you aren't better than someone else and don't have the right to stick your nose up at them just because you use Facebook and not the other one. How can someone be "ghetto" by using MySpace when you use the same fucking vehicle to get information about your selfish ass out to the public and your friends? I used to have both, years ago. It was stupid then and it's stupid now and it won't get un-stupid in the future. If you have one of the two or both, fine. But don't ask me to use my phone to check that shit or tell me you use it to stay in touch with people you never talk to or as if I have Internet so you can hop on my laptop. Fuck you. You can't. Stop judging yourself by who looks at your pictures, leaves you messages and how many hits your page gets in a week. ... Rant over. It's too sunny to be aggravated right now. ... Still listening to Lilly Allen, and I recently saw a picture of her in her panties. ... Be cool because I'm not.

Amber says: I need to be fucked...

Not much needs to be said to intro this guest blog. Girls have Amber to thank...

.................................................

I finally got my computer back after a week of being held hostage at the Apple Store…since then I've been trying to write this blog just to give Anthony "something to read."….but nothing worth putting into words ever seemed to come to mind. Anyways…I'm always up for a good challenge and since I'm that Type A person that needs a plan and direction…he suggested I devote this one to sex. And then it hit me…the cause of my stress, anxiety and recent apathy is entirely related to sex…or lack thereof… It's been a minute since my last guest blog…and it's been almost as long since I've received and or provided any sexual favors. Arguably my longest dry spell since my last serious relationship some 3+ years ago…at this very moment I welcome anything resembling a "decent" fuck. The difference between this dry spell and all the others: lack of anything worth opening my legs for. I've got several girlfriends who claim to be going through the same problem…they can be placed into 2 categories: those who know what good sex is and those who don't. Or rather…those who know what they like when it comes to doing the deed and those that are just as clueless as Alicia Silverstone circa 1995. The two distinctions are essentially one in the same. The only way to know what you really like during sex is to have good sex. And good sex comes from experience. Naw…not just a lot of sex with one person…the kind of experience you get from different partners. I know this may come off as a completely transparent thought…but you'd be surprised how many girlfriends I have who have had one…at best two sexual partners (including giving D) and look at me like I'm a freak because I openly discuss sex and the need to have more….yes I meant to say need and not want. If your girl comes off like a prude and squeamish when you tell her you want to tittie fuck her and cum on her face…its probably because she hasn't been fucked right. Not to say that all women will be straightened up by a good fuck…some are and always will be a killjoy. So what makes sex good? I'm not going to even pretend to know how to define what makes it good for every woman.... because if this point hasn't been belabored enough…we are all different. And, not to mention Anthony's sex blogs did a pretty good job of breaking down each of the steps, hence I'm not even gonna try to top that. What will this blog provide…an opportunity to get a female perspective on what works and doesn't work…and what we say to each other about what you are doing in bed. Size does matter and yes we talk about it….sorry…if I can't feel it…I'd rather you not stick it in me...I'll keep it clean…but I expect you to do the same…no not like a prepubescent boy…but tidy that shit up so we aren't diving into a ball of fur while delivering fellatio. If you can't kiss…its going to be a long night. If you don't know how to kiss…find someone patient to help you learn. If you don't know if you are a good kisser…you probably aren't. Foreplay is an obvious must…this is your time to recognize the kind of mood your girl is in...and thus how you give it to her when it comes time to do the deed. BUT…don't overwork the foreplay…there is a fine line between warming us up and making us bored. Then again…if you really know how to give good head…you won't bore anyone. What works for me? I'm one of those ladies who likes a lot of action…tongue on the clit, lips and everywhere around and in-between …lets not forget about the fingers…depending on who you are and what your hands look like…one…two…but never more than that…no matter who you are. If its too much…I'll let you know. Typically, while you work the head, I'll help you out and might even do a little touching myself…breasts, nipple, even the clit depending on what position we are in. You'll know when its time for entry because if you are doing your job right…I will let you know that I want it NOW! This is usually the time where I'm just beginning to think that I can't take anymore clit action…and the kitty is wetter than an ice cube in the desert. Now…listen up…at this point you have 2 choices: go immediately for entry…or keep working that clit just a little bit longer. On any normal day, I'd say my man better do what I say when I tell him to do it…but in this case…just keep doing what your doing…I might even start to beg for you to fuck me…but will quickly back off…its at this very moment when I begin to back off that I'm about to reach my tipping point…and at this very moment you should switch positions and stick it inside me. PAUSE. This is a perfect example why its important to get your man hard and then stick the condom on prior to foreplay getting too hot and heavy. Nothing kills the feeling you have just worked so hard to build more than having to wait to feel you inside of us. If you are in the kind of "condoms are optional" relationship where this does not apply to you…great for you. If you aren't…. wrap that shit up before you have the chance to get cold.When it comes to positions…we know what we like and what will get us off….In case you are wondering… any of the positions in the cowgirl family... front, reverse, side…are a guaranteed orgasm for me…oooh…and I like it from behind…when I can watch you in the mirror…and on my stomach…legs over my head….and……….before I get too excited thinking about all the ways I'll let you twist and turn me….remember…not all of your special lady friends appreciate being folded into a pretzel during the act. But…if you want to know a secret…the same hormones released during orgasm make women a little bit stupid and a lot more agreeable to any man she is with. Make your girl cum first…and she might just let you position her any way you like it. Final thoughts… a man needs to show affection and security in the right way…but at the same time know when to turn on the bad boy gene. Change is good…stay away from any sort of routine. Music and romantic settings are not a requisite for every sexual experience…although the occasional romantic gesture is well received…the TV is NOT a substitute for music…if it's on to provide a little bit of light…fine…turn the volume down. We like a man that runs the show…but gets off when we wrestle for the remote. So… now that I've done an adequate job of reminding myself why dry spells could be the worst form of sexual torture…be like Jamie Foxx and get unpredictable.